reborn on the 4th July

Yo,

My thoughts on what you wrote .

The urges remind us of who we are I think . And that sadly we will be this way for life . We both know through our experiences that the addiction will try to convince us any way it can that we can be a controlled gambler . But we both know that is not the case .

The addiction as I said the other day has many cards to play ( pardon the expression lol) it will temp us by believing its a cure for boredom , a reward for all hard word , and escape from the daily pressures . Anything to suck us back in . It takes more strength than lifting the heaviest weight in a weight lifting contest , to get those urges the heave Ho , and not give in to them .

You have that strength , the urges are just a reminder less we forget .

As for your sister you are a good brother , but I understand how frustrating it can be . It's taken me 20 years in an unhappy marriage to eventually believe I am worth more . My family saw it , particularly in the last year and a half . They were supportive , and wanted me to leave but knew ultimately the time had to be right for me . Will that time come for your sister who know , but she is very fortunate to have you there to support her no matter what .

Tell Jess still routing for the shadow people , and I too love David Williams , the interplay between him and Simon is great and I find myself chuckling away as I see Simon cringe .

Take care mate , hope you are not wishing your holiday away , we live, we learn , we move forward .

Bit of a long post this 🙂

Shiny xx

Thanks shiny ur post was perfectly timed and ur words helped immensely

As I thought it would be yesterday was the hardest day of my week off , I dropped jess off at school yesterday but then after that it was goin to be a long day , went to the gym but with 3 days goin found my energy levels were on the low side I av to remember I'm 44 with one dodgy knee and another on the way out , after went to my sisters as planned and stayed there for a couple of hours talked quite a lot bout our past and childhood she is very similar to me on the people pleasing front , our dad was very strict bringing us up just like is childhood was he was very hard to please and distant from us both , I dont recall spending any father son time ever from those days he hated sport I loved it he was a joiner by trade and I couldn't knock two planks of wood together , my mom had a different upbringing been an only child had more attention and felt loved , my dad wore the trousers in the relationship and think he convinced my mom that been hard was the best way forward , if they could hear me and my sister talk now I wonder if they would still think the same , my ex war brought up very strict her father in the military and has never had a good relationship with him , then we had jess she went the way of her father following his parenting which I find strange knowing the affects it had no her , I dont think its as anywhere as bad but I can see the similarities very much its a very much a parent child relationship and on give from that which again was similar to mine , for me it sent me the other way I didn't want jess been brought up the way I felt when I was brought up I come down to her level a lot getting involved with what she likes spending time doin stuff together things that she will remember when she gets older , I'm not sayin my way is right as jess will push boundaries more with me as with her mother she won't no means no and she knows that with me no means well if I keep pushing it might turn into a yes , so from time to time I av to go back to the parent mode which as u can imagine jess doesn't like at all , in the end there's know rule book on how to bring ur kids up u just av to do what u think is right , jess has a good balance with me and her mom that was another main reason we split as we didn't see eye to eye on out parenting it was always good cop bad cop and it doesn't take a genius to work out who was who , every night jess wanted me to take her to bed and even when I suggested her mom took her she replied no its ok u take her , jess now has a relationship with her mom I wouldn't say its brilliant but its so much better than what it would av been if we had stayed together

After all that I left my sisters bout two so had all afternoon on my own I had planned the evening goin out for a few beers so it was just the next five hours or so to get through , the urges Were there the usual of trying to trick my brain that it could be a one off , so I got in my car and drove honestly not knowing where it would take me came to a crossroads and found the strength to go the right way home , I always remember castaway with Tom hanks at the end of the film where is car is sat in the middle of a crossroad pondering which way to go a life changing decision in which way he goes , for me as I always say it really is bout choices and making the right ones and yesterday I made the right one , didn't do a lot in the end watched king Kong I recorded a film I couldn't take any life inspiration from but it did pass 3 hours on

Had another good sleep for me which is what its all bout resting and recharging not doin a lot today picking jess up from school and then she will fill my time perfectly

Hi Castle,

I love reading ur posts ur so proud of Jessica and it makes me smile . U r a gr8 guy and ur strength and determination on this journey gives me lots of hope, thank u 4 all ur support . I have so much time and respect 4 u. I am really proud of u.

I hope u and Jess have a gr8 wknd xxxx

Thanks charlotte

In my time on this site iv seen all different types of recoveries , I take my hat off to those av gone from day 1 and not looked back and stayed gamble free that show some real strong qualities and hand on heart couldn't be happier for them , others like myself its been a long hard struggle at times with relapses happening and having to fall down and get back up again , it makes me so happy to see how well charlotte is doin now I always av so much time for her as she went through the mill on here at times comin under scrutiny for different reasons and in my opinion was treated unfairly , all I ever saw in her was someone who is so supportive of others and for me thats what makes this site work , for who she is for that matter who anyone is does is really matter , even the legendary James P comes in for criticism by some , I just think people who dedicate their time to help and support others is an amazin thing to do

Anyhow had a real lazy morning yesterday didn't get showered and dressed till bout 2 , spent all mornin goin through all my bank statements and letters shredding what I didn't need , mainly sorted through all my letters from solicitors and put them in order , I av saved everyone ready for when divorce has all gone through so I can write a letter to them outlining my discontent of the whole farcical situation they av put me through , not stressing bout it though as its not over yet , whether I will get anywhere with it I dont know probably not is the answer but I am goin to try

Then it was time to pick jess up from school went to parents for tea after takin jess to ballet , got back to flat bout half 7 and had some quality time with jess

So another day passed gamble free and was a much better day than wed still had one or two urges but they passed quickly

See what today brings

Glad your having a nice week off. As you say always hard but you gotta fill your time well and your doing that. Like charl says its nice to read when you speak of your daughter cos you really do seem so proud. Hope this divorce stuff sorts itself soon. Feels like its been going on forever so can't imagine what it's like for you. Then to right have a go at those b*****d solicitors - but good to hear your not letting it get to ya, no point in that. Enjoy the rest of the week off - you've got cracking weather for it. Take care.

Like you I am still on the roller coaster but use the support here to keep me sane.

I guess the other problems happen to all folks and they have to be dealt with regardless but does make it so much easier without the stress of wasting money that is needed to get them resolved quickly.

The end is so nearly in sight regarding your divorce and you can heave a sigh of relief and move on to making many more good memories for Jess.

xxx

Thanks Dave and re

Didn't post yesterday didn't av the motivation was in a very reflective mood of my week off , did I enjoy it ? From a rest point of view yes I did and I know I needed it and when I return to work I will feel the full benefits from it but it was so bloomin hard urges every day and mostly due to boredom tried to fill my time best I could , having a week off should be an enjoyable time not with my head thinking bout gambling for me the Only positive is that I survived it , I did sput a lot of barriers in place though mainly financially restricting myself by givin my cards to sister so I knew I only av x amount me money till pay day and I can't get no more

When back at work I'm sure I will be a bit more reflective of my week off and probably enjoyed it more than I thought

Jess did really well in her assembly won four awards so that was pleasing for both of us took her afterwards for her eyes tested and pleased to say she has prefect eyesight which was always a worry as my eyes are shocking and av been from bout 6 months old , I wear contact lenses now but when I was at school took some right stick with glasses so please for jess that she dont av to wear them

Enjoye yesterday with football on was well exciting with my team Sheffield wed trying to avoid relegation fortunately for us we scored quite early and were never in the bottom 3 but it chopped and changed so much , had jess after that so that filled my time

Off to park today for a picnic with jess's cousin so that will be nice for her be an early night tonite as back at work for 6 in mornin

Hey castle ...

Still reading even if not replying all the time ...signal normally is the reason...

Enjoy your picnic today and keep posting those thoughts out.....better out than in is what Shrek always says !!

R and D xx

Castle,

Thanks for your post on my diary, which is much appreciated. I suppose we are both down a little at the moment. I think when I first came here it blew me away and everyday I would learn something new and was amazed at some of the diaries I was reading and with this I had a real focus on never gambling again. Since relapsing at the beginning of the year I don't think I have ever trully had that same level of focus. Secretly, I still mope about allowing myself to return to gambling and with that a level of debt which is uncomfortable for me. Like you, I have had urges this week but I can't quite explain them. I am not wanting the actual act of gambling but I seem to be convincing myself that just one small win will be enough to get my debt reduction back on track. This is total madness and I know this. If I was to win I wouldn't stop and even although I know this I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. At times like this I need to post everyday and I haven't been doing this. I haven't posted much on my diary in the past few weeks and haven't posted much on anyone elses'. Why - am I waiting for myself to fail, to relapse and then feel terrible about it. I am sorry to hijack your diary here and shouldn't really be dumping my negative thoughts on you. I think we are similar sometimes and seem to go through similar ups and downs. I suspect things will turnaround for me in the next few days and hopefully the urges will stop for you too.

Keep well.

Tomso.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iQl46-zIcM&sns=em

Keep on movin ....don't stop.....blast from the past here Castle ....

Hope you and Jess are enjoying the sun and youre not in work all over bank holiday ...

Xxx

Thanks Rachael

After a good last day of my week at work spent all day with jess so a fitting end to a very mixed week , back at work yesterday and now feels like I was never away and feel more settled already

Still applying the one day at a time rule with divorce still ongoin not been able to move on from friend at work , I honestly can't look any further than that thinking bout them both just pains me but on the other hand I can't block them out as thats the trigger for gambling , so a fine line but then it as always has been it really is down to me to make the right decisions

That better life I know I do want

Morning Sir,

Just to echo what Tomso was saying really I think there are traits many of us share and sometimes that lack of motivation, energy, creativity, whatever we call it just isn't there. I think we have learned to allow ourselves those days and know that eventually things begin to flow again.

I see the application of the one day at a time rule as a real positive and can on occasions be a real saver for us. Don't ever get down on adopting that philosophy use it as a tool when required. I imagine it has helped more than it has hindered. I do attempt now to think beyond the next day and into the future but if there is a day I need to step back I will go back to basics and say just for today.

I know some of the things hanging over you almost seem never ending i.e divorce but there is an end point and you are doing all the right things to ensure you get there relatively unscathed.

Oh and the football congrats to Wednesday for staying up. I almost find the football too dramatic now as though it's a show but maybe I'm too cynical.

Flagg

Hi Castle,

Great honest post there friend. It's always going to be one day at a time for me too. Granted some days are certainly better than others. Here's to a string of good days buddy. You deserve em. -joanxx

Thanks Flagg and Joan

What a difference a week makes , just been so busy at work then with jess not had a minute to think bout anything else , last week was so hard too much time to fill and way too much time to think it really was a tough week

Lessons will av been learned and my next week off I am goin to av to plan much better , lots of positives taken from it though like esp not giving in but a week off shouldn't av been so difficult it should av been enjoyed and I can't honestly say I did , I rested and slept well so physically it was needed and appreciated , mentally it was torture

Not off for bout 8 weeks now so I can't control that right now a lot can happen in 8 weeks so time will tell , one day at a time is still the way , another busy day today so my thoughts will be positive and steered away from gambling ones

Castle,

Just to let you know that I really appreciated your post this morning.

Have a lovely weekend.

Tomso.