reborn on the 4th July

Thanks shiny

The feeling sorry for myself has now gone replaced with a determination to come out and fight , I phoned my solicitor and made an appointment to see them next Tuesday , yesterday I spent two hours goin through every letter I received making notes of my treatment this mentally drained me whilst writing I was shaking whether this was through anger frustration or just reliving the hell of the last year

I av to thank cardhue for is sensible advice as when I go next week I will av a letter full of facts nothing personal and an expectation of what I want , for a year they av given me such a poor service badly advised me and made me feel like an afterthought , this could cost me more money in the long run as next week will be bout 100 quid to see them , but why should I just lie down and be walked all over living in fear of the charges , the stress has not helped me with my gambling and is a key trigger so doin nothing will just let it all build up again

I av to make changes in my life as from a gambling perspective its just not working , this is the 1st step and probably the biggest one , if I lose more money on this at least I can hold my head up high and say I went down fighting

No thoughts of gambling , no money to waste is a big factor but for me more importantly the pressure has been released I could feel the build up b4 my slip and now its gone but it will build again if I let it and thats why the change was needed

Bit late but sorry to read about the slip mate. Unfortunately the gambling demons are always lurking however long we've been on the wagon. But as you've said you've been here before and you know what to do. Just be extra careful in the coming days as the urges maybe a little stronger than normal but they'll soon pass. Atleast with the knowledge you have gained over your time on here you didn't let gambling fully get you in it's grip. Put it behind you and move on its all you can do.

Good luck on Tuesday - give them some of that blind fury. They need to know how you feel and how they've treated you - it's a bloody joke with what there charging you should feel like bloody royalty. Anyway good luck Tuesday hope it helps and they get the kick up the a**e they need.

thanks David

A really good day yesterday got loads done at work feel really focussed and confident , determined to take no s**t and want to keep it that way trying so hard to put me 1st , had a delivery driver at work yesterday who was taking the Mick and set us back bout an hour so I reported him something b4 I would just av accepted , at work shoplifting is at its worse think mainly due to all the benefit cuts we were gettin robbed blind we av a guard but only does 8 hours a day 5 over 7 and were oven 15 hours a day he used to stand on the door so they didn't come in when he was on when he wasn't there they were in all the time and with staff limitations as they are they were getting loads , so took the guard off the door and stuck him in front of cameras in back and this week alone we av caught loads , yesterday got this girl who has been hitting us for ages baggin meat and coffee usual favourites at the moment , we all chased her managed to get her bag off her but she legged it out of store missed a bus by an inch our guard then ran into the bus but was ok , so we didn't get her but in the bag was id drugs foil scissors turns out she's out on bail so police are interested on this one soon as the mention of drugs , later a bloke came in on her behalf asking for the bag back ! ! So to me shows she's sh*tting herself and rightly so , the sad thing she's addicted to drugs and desperate but she has choices just like we all do

So found plenty of fight in me but that was yesterday and today is today just try and continue like this

No thoughts of gambling not interested long may that continue

Yo,

Waiting my turn in dentist , read your post which had me gripped who needs a book when you've got gamcare lol

Seriously though I can sooooo see you growing in strength , in more ways than one .

Reporting someone you would never of done that a year ago .

Going through recovery gives us soooo much more than not gambling . For some like you and I we begin to change as people in a good way I hasten to add.

Keep doing what your doing mate , today I am inspired by you .

For that I thank you , right in I go , I hate the dentist , proud that I have come here ,know I will tell myself I deserve a reward , but one things for sure it will not be standing in front of a FOBT .

Laters

Shiny xxxxx

Hi castle hope your ok, day3 I'm suffering but I'm here.. counselling Went well..

Meet my MP tomorrow I want them banned no more to suffer.. Thanks for your support,

Hi castle hope your ok, day3 I'm suffering but I'm here.. counselling Went well..

Meet my MP tomorrow I want them banned no more to suffer.. Thanks for your support,

Hello Sir,

Been kinda following the diaries from afar recently. It's brilliant to see you re-refreshed if that makes sense and that determination to make the most of life is certainly jumping off the page.

I hope this is not seen as negative or too personal but I read the posts around your slip with interest. Mainly because I often sit thinking I really hope this guy catches a break. Shiny and many others say quite rightly recovery is bespoke and although I wouldn't say this to most people I almost felt you needed that 'slip'.

I see how things build and build to a climax and the slip although damaging for a couple of days actually seems to reinvigorate you. The reason I say I hope you catch a break is because you are a really top bloke and an absolute 100% asset to this forum with your encouragement and support for others. With some of the things like the divorce and your friend at work I feel once those are settled there won't be this huge build up of pressure leading to the 'needed bet'

Quite a bold statement there but the positive thinking and determination is clearly there again. I hope it remains that way for you.

Flagg

Hi, Thanks for your support, I'm getting in the zone day4 no looking back,

Just been in touch with the Daily Mail, they are very interested in my meeting, I know the numbers are generated by a random number generator I want to know how they interpret themselves as the next door miss regular therefor random isn't random, we've been mislead, I want this before parliament I will stand before them

Anyone you correspond with who has issues with the fobts tell them to contact their mps and trading standards we can do this to protect others..

Hi Castle

Thanks for your post. Glad to see you back on form and I hope things go well with sols, be interested and happy to help where possible. Sounds like being 'assertive' with them is the way forwards.

Best

Wow shop lifters, police, drugs, security guards getting run over. Never a dull moment eh? Well keep strong, dont take no s**t and do what you gotta do. Keep fighting!! We well get to that promise land!

Thanks everyone

A real tough day at work yesterday , all our deliveries av changed and Thursday is now a nightmare day really need to look at staffing it better , tie that in to having to send one of my management team to another store over the next 2 days and av to try and cover that so it was quite a stressful day , when I left at 3 to pick jess up I still hadn't sorted it store was left in chaos with deliveries everywhere , been off today but had to keep in contact with store most of day , things are now sorted in a fashion but not ideal left us well short and also got to sort out next week as well now , trying not to stress bout it can't do anymore now till I go back to work tomorrow , I did stand my ground though and argued my case across to my line manager didn't make much difference in the end but I least I didn't just say yes ok I will sort it so pleased on that front , having good people skills and treating staff well works on my side with times like this as I can pretty much get staff to help me out when the goin gets tough

A big change for me to av to accept from today onwards , on my exes family side they av always been big on family meals and goin out usually bout 16 at a time and I always went on them even as recent as last year even though we av been separated 3 years , her family av always been good to me and non judgemental on what's happened between me and ex but she's been seeing someone else for quite a while now and is taking him tonight for a family meal , I was invited to go but declined as its not fair on exes new boyfriend her brother has split from his wife but she is very close to the family as well and as been goin on family meals whilst hes takin his new girlfriend as well which I dont think is new girlfriend took too kindly to not surprisingly and it caused a lot of friction as u can imagine , so I didn't want all that I only went for jess as she wanted me to go , I think for me its accepting another man has taken my place and playin apart in jess's life which was goin to happen one day , I dont worry though on that front the bond me and jess av is unbreakable I'm her dad and always will be its just something I guess I will av to get used to

Spoke to my mom and dad and they are goin to lend me some money to get the car repaired , really really grateful despite my issues from childhood they av been brilliant this last year and can't thank them enough which I av told them this but it won't break any barriers down and dont think it ever will , maybe one day I will sit down and tell them everything but I need to get myself sorted b4 I do

Goin to put a film on now and just chill for a bit then av an early night as on early tomorrow and its goin to be a long day , no thoughts of gambling been a week now since my slip like I said b4 once it was done the pressure was gone it was like I just get it out of my system , just not got to let it build again

Know what you mean about families, my son is getting married next year and both me and his Dad have people to take as do his girlfriends Mum and Dad, a nightmare as her family are at loggerheads, what fun it will be but feel sorry for him trying to organise and keep the peace.

Funny about the car, my mum sent a cheque this week as well for my car, think it salves her conscience maybe.

Manic at work as well but strangely in control of the demons, maybe just too exhausted.

Just want to say that it sound as if you have an amazing relationship with Jess and love hearing you speak of your time together.

Stay safe and enjoy the weekend.

xxx

Hi Castle and thank you so much for your kindness...it is quite strange that you wrote the post you did as I was thinking about your situation a lot yesterday and especially the bit about another man being a big part of Jess' life and how you have to adjust to that.

That is what I meant about the additional challenges and adjustments as for you like for me its not just about stopping betting or in my case leaving my partner , its all the aftermath and life time adjustments that we now have to face and deal with and in many ways the gambling is way down the list.

Of course it wont be all doom and gloom but there has been a higher price and stress to pay for us both and a marker in our lives that wont just be put down to a phase,

In my case the chances are if I meet someone in the future they will have kids that I will have to adjust to , even grown up ones or I shall have to always have to be ready to answer the question as to why I dont have family of my own.This is why I have to be extra vigilant to retain some part of my life totally for me as I will be in danger of building my life round another again without the balance of my own child .

I wrote my post becasue in my mind my ex partner will probably be the type who writes off the betting years as a phase , he already has a little girl and ex wife and will no doubt re marry and go on to have more kids and have his happily ever after.

All his losses have been by his own hand...not by anothers which is a totally different ballgame as you know too as each day you are waiting for another rug to be pulled as I am,

We will get through this .....the folks in recovery meetings who truly understood were people who had lost everything and had tk start again and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on me even when some days my posts have been ugly and full of fury,

When I read of the odd slip I think who can blame you.?...some days the pressure is too much and like someone said you alwayscome back stronger afterwards.

When its happened its not flippant and about boredom or having time on your hands and in my time on this forum I have learnt to discern different triggers for people and can see the build up.

Im sure folks have seen my pattern too and again my trigger for rage is stress....I tick along semi ok and thinking im level then bang! A letter through the door and im back into fighting and survival mode again.

anyway.....rambling on there ....I am still going to log on but am having a rest from writing as there is not really much to come out now thats not been said...

Sun is shining and keep in mind the light is getting brighter for us and this year will be one of the playing field being levelled so we can start building some strong foundations.

R and D xxxxxx

Hi castle hope you are well,back on the Site again after a hell of a lapse. I enjoy reading your diary and the way you bounce back it gives me a lot of hope.

I'm really struggling to put the past in the past and will start my councilling soon to try and resolve some issues and get some perspective back

All the best to you and your daughter

Hi Castle. Like you say was always gonna happen eventually although was never gonna be easy when it did. From what we read on here you and Jess have a great bond and love each other so much so you have no worries there. Hope your enjoying the bank holiday, sounds like ya need it after all that work stuff. Take care mate.