reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Tomso

The inevitable happened yesterday another relapse well I say a relapse more like a moment of madness or bout 15 mins to be precise

Was off work took jess to school , after I had to take my car in I had been having problems with my handbrake which was what it failed my test on last November costing 130 to put right so was hoping it might be guaranteed , went back to flat after and just stayed there , phoned the garage bout half twelve and they said it was goin to need a new part but was waiting on a price they said by the time I get there they would know then.

Leaving the flat I picked my post up and there was a letter from my solicitor stating that if had received my call and was writing to say that it had been sent to court and was waiting to hear back from them , this info I already knew from my ex , also stated that someone else was taking over my case and from now on to go through them , my thoughts were why do I need another solicitor how much more can there be what's the point of giving me someone else , the anger inside me just rose it just made me so mad , got to the garage and they still didn't av a price the time was bout 115 , I had an appointment with my councillor at 2 so got my keys and left the garage the drive was bout ten mins to councillors so my spare time was bout half hour , had to pass the bookies on the way so I just stopped no thought and blew 50 quid within 5 mins went to cash machine and blew another hundred , money I didn't av to spare , when leaving the flat I would normally av took only what I needed but with my car been in all morning I wasn't sure if I needed to pay anything so I took them just in case a decision to prove very costly

So u can imagine how I feel right now , the usual annoyed with myself angry more disbelief than anything , the reason why I did it ? Lookin back yes I was mad with solicitors but not surprised yes the car was goin to cost me to repair how much I didn't know , the main reason was stupidly to win money I had left myself really short paying for the season ticket for football the car needed paying the solicitors fees hanging over my head

The only person I blame is myself I know the score where I am in life , yes its not so good at the moment but it could be a whole lot worse there's no excuse for what I did this is four times now this has happened and excuses aren't goin to help me

So yes I'm down but I won't be beaten I will fight this all the way I won't go back to that daily life of permanent misery I just dont want it , its time to dig deep and get out of this hole

It would av been so easy to come on here and try to carry on and not admit to what has happened but who am I lying to the only person I would be lying to is myself

I never thought I would change my title get it right this time but at the moment it doesn't seem appropriate after 4 slips so a change was needed for now I'm changing it to to blinded by fury which is exactly how it felt yesterday

Hi Castle... well done for coming clean. Honest is the best policy. Its a mark of someone who is working at their recovery. I have had several gambling events since I started my diary but always bounce back quickly and so will you and so will you.

To me it sounds like your gambling episode was a response to the stress of what you are going through at the moment and the final trigger was the potential payment for the car. What's done is done, onwards and forwards gambling free.. regards... S.A

Hi,

It was a sh*tty day, something had to give, it's been one thing after another for ages now. You've every right to feel angry and annoyed, you can even excuse yourself the odd slip. It should be out of your system now. The £150 has gone now, you know the mantra, 'it's history...don't chase etc.' Again, like so many of us on here, you dust yourself down, pick yourself up and soldier on. we never give up. You are bound to be pretty P*ssed off with yourself, that gambler's self loathing, the frustration. We all know that feeling because we've all tasted it so many times. Youre back though, honest and brave, down but not out. You know the self loathing will pass eventually, the anger and disappointment too. You can beat this, I believe you can. It mightn't be easy, you may have to really work at it but you will beat it and all that your experiencing now will have been worthwhile.

Castle's are strong, they can take many knocks and not topple over. Feel the pain now, work with the anger, and feel proud because youre brave enough to face this and be honest enough when times get tough.

I believe even if a 1000 lapses lay ahead of you.

Steve

Thanks SA and Steve

As u can imagine yesterday was the easiest day ever no thoughts of gambling no desire to win it back , yes felt really low put on a brave face for jess and just got through it

Beating myself up I know is not the answer I know what I need to do been here b4 so av the experience to deal with it , the next month money is goin to be so tight but thats my own fault another lesson to be learned from it

Ironically the amount to repair the car is 140 but that will now after wait its still drives and is safe to use , it will av to wait a month now till I get it done

Working today then picking jess straight up then got her till six , will be on my own tonight but to be honest gambling is the last thing on my mind that sick feeling to the pit of my stomach is still there , yes it will go sometimes I wish it wouldn't so the constant reminder of how I feel and what I av done is always there

I will pick myself up I av to life goes on whether I like it or not in the words of SA the Sun will rise and the sun will set to many people that might not mean much to me it means everything

Castle.

Fella I can relate to your feelings of hurt, the mental torturing, the shame of letting the addiction rise again.

I relived a few walks of shame in my mind this last week, it was never about the money, we know that is just our fuel, it was the feelings of being a loser, there the feelings that fed my addiction drove me back to chase the unreachable dreams.

You got back on the bike, don't punish yourself too much, the damage done, kept to a minimum.

Together lets put some distance between you and that bet.

Your effort unwavering, a determination that will serve you well

just for today be kind to yourself

as Steve rightly stated

i know you can do this.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Castle,

I'm sorry 2 read that u gambled, sometimes the stress of everything that is going on makes us wanna escape and can sometimes lead us back 2 gambling.... U have been under so much stress recently Castle and u r a fighter, u realise wot made u gamble and ur back here being honest and not giving up. I know that takes a lot of strengh. I know u can do this, I believe in u and that will never change.

I have had lots of slips on this journey, but they made me learn something each time and this attempt at stopping 4 me is so different. You will get thru this Castle pls don't be hard on urself, u help and support so many ppl here and we all appreciate it 🙂

We r all here 4 u 🙂

I hope Jessica is ok and ur having fun 2gether 🙂

Stay strong xx

Yo,

I found these words , I hope they convey what I want to say .

The answer lies deeper

Than the cut of the blade

Your answer is found

in the heart of the brave

That courage is found

In the will to forgive

Courage is found

In the art of your gift

search deep enough

And you will find

Something not worthy

Of leaving behind

Because you, my friend

Should not be afraid

Because you, my friend

are one of the brave

Your life may be surrounded

By purple skies

But you can find the will

To not run and hide

This life you have

must be embraced

Do not run

Stand off face to face

You my dear dear friend inspire everyday with your honesty and your determination .

Take care , be kind to you !

Shiny xxxxxx

Castle,

Really sorry to hear about your relapse but reading your post you have so much to deal with and sometimes something has to give. Yesterday sounds like a real rubbish day for you but hopefully you will begin to get the progress you need from the solicitors and you can finally put this chapter of your life behind you.

I often wonder if we will always struggle with thoughts of winning money when we are burdoned with financial comittments we were not expecting. Last weekend, I had to fork out a fortune fixing the heating, the car and other house repairs and I know where you are coming from and what prompted you to going to the bookies. The truth is we both cannot continue to think this way anymore. We are both good people and will conquer this once and for all.

You dust yourself down now and continue with the excellent progress that you have been making.

P.S. Today's world is messed up. We have no chance. I don't know of many friends or work collegues who have plenty of savings in the bank to help themselves when things go wrong. The world is a mess of credit. Last weekend alone I forked out almost £1000 on repairs that were unexpected (except the car). Things like this cause blind panic because people of my age don't have money put away for stuff like this. I gamble sometimes and lose some money from it. I've got friends with four credit cards maxed to the hilt as well as loans. I've got other friends who are poor souls because six years ago they got a 100% mortgage and now owe more than there house is worth and can't move. I think I am a contradiction of myself. When something goes wrong I want to pay for it, whereas many of my friends will just stick it on a credit card. Yet we gamblers get thought of winning money to pay for something all the time. Life is weird. I have went on a bit of a rant here which I apologise for.

Tomso.

Thanks everyone the support is so appreciated

I would be lying if I said I was ok in all honesty this has knocked me for six left me reeling , the reality is it all happened so quick and over even quicker , again been honest it hasn't surprised me I could feel the pressure building in me and all the signs were there I just didn't put the blocks in place and got caught out

I look back a year ago and I was doin so well and financially it was harder than is is now , yes the stress is greater mainly with she solicitor but for me its still no excuse

The determination is there though I av accepted what's happened and won't be chasing , the feeling low I feel stems from how it happened and the possibility of it happening again and the fear of it all

I need to look at support , I av here but thats it and the truth is I question if I can do it on my own esp at the moment , this is something I really need to look at long and hard

Again thanks to everyone for that much needed support it means the world as always I will get back to u all

Hi Castle,

I know how you feel. I have been there many times and to this day will never say never. You were one of the first people to reach out to me when I first logged onto this site and I will never forget how it felt to have another person in the world know what it felt like to be me at that moment. Like a candle in the dark. So many have said that recovery is bespoke, that it is different for everyone and that is so true. I needed to blip up in order to get to where I am today. I used to say the words I cannot win because I cannot stop. Today I understand what fake it til you make it means. I did that and it has not been until very recently that those words really sunk in. It took me 10+ years to become the addict I was. Recovery doesnt happen over night. For me, Castle my friend, you are a shining example of what recovery means because when you blip you come right back. You stand right back up. Regardless of what habit I was trying to kick whether alcohol, nicotine, and now gambling I always kept quitting until I finally got there. And, for me "there" it turns out is one day TOday. The only day that ever really matters. TOday you rose to the challenge. For that, I salute you Castle. Battle on!! -joanxxxx

Hi there

strange we both slipped at the same time before and then this last week has also been a nightmare for me again. Only managed not to fall to the demons by manically reading on here and seeing lots of my friends and family but could so easily have gone the other way and still not out of the woods as the old pressure cooker head is still at full steam while I sort my life out.

For me it is impossible to cut one side of Duncs triangle all the time for work reasons so I guess I have to be pragamatic and accept there may be times I slip but try to reduce the damage to a minimum and get right back onto it as you have done.

I am sure when your life is on a more even keel in the not too distant future you will achieve the balance that we both aim for, you did good you stopped, you didn't chase, you came back here where you have understanding and support.

Wishing you well.

xxx

Hi Castle

You were also one of the first to welcome me to this site so I also want to offer my support and echo the gratitude others feel towards you.

I've abstained since Jan and don't feel vulnerable to gambling but I'm sure that's cos things are pretty stable and easy for me at the moment. I can see that a lot of stress could change the picture quickly.

Doesn't sound like too much damage done and you've acknowledged immediately your mistake - so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. Sounds like almost a mini-deliberate hitting of the self-destruct button for a moment to relieve the stress?

On the solicitor's front - some possible practical advice. This is coming from someone who works in the legal professions (not in remotely the same area - I do legal aid stuff so don't hate me! 🙂 ). Without knowing the ins and outs of the problem - I would take a very firm approach with your solicitor. If your getting cr** service you might want to consider writing a letter of complaint setting out your grievances. State what you want, and that you want a response within 7 days or else you'll be compelled to lodge a complaint with the Legal Ombudsman and the Solicitor's Regulation Authority. Try not to write in a 'personal manner' just lay out the facts of what you're not happy with.

I work at a place which is actually good - and I often have to complain against other solicitors who have destroyed my clients' cases through incompetence.

A lot of firms are happy to give a cr** service and charge a lot to individuals but live in fear of being exposed to regulators.

Best

Hey Castle...keep spewing it out....like the name change on your diary title ,,,, I know fury .

im also back in the financial pyre after getting knocked back again on my mortgage going on int only for 6 months after them verbally consenting ,, I have taken it to appeal with the Financial Ombusman...obviously it just reactivates it all again so also beenwriting so I dont implode,

No need to reply ....just wishing you well and keep the focus one day at a time as they say

R and D x

Overwhelmed by the support but not surprised this site never ceases to amaze me , so a massive thank u to u all

Feel much better today given myself a shake forgiven myself and stopped felling sorry for myself , yes I f****d up but its done now its time to look forward and not back I can't change what's happened but I can change what I do goin forward

The one thing I will do is fight I won't lie down and let this beat me , it does scare me at times I know gambling and the damage it can do and not just from a financial point of view I know it could and would take everything from me it doesn't care , for me its a real mental battle trying to control my brain and the actions that can follow

I am trying to concentrate on the positives I av a good job I av my health and a beautiful daughter and for me thats a good starting point to kick start my recovery

Yo,

Another positive ......

Wallowing has been made illegal for us both .

We are both fighters , let the battle continue !

Hugs

Shiny x

Ps tell Jess still routing for the shadow dancers . Defo not the raccoon lol