reborn on the 4th July

Thanks everyone

A working weekend again , by now its something I'm used to so it doesn't really bother me , Saturday worked an 11hour shift went so quick though always does , picked jess up and took her to the pub we had some food there and she had a play in the play area , we went back to flat and watched the voice together me sacrificing the champions league final , my plan was jess was goin to bed after the voice which was bout half nine I would put ITV plus one on and see the second half , the plan went well got jess off to bed switched channels second half kicked off next thing I knew it was half eleven missed all the match !

Sunday is a quiet day at work but we av no guard so its a constant battle with the shoplifters , all day kept it to a minimum we had 2 legs of lamb nicked that was it not bad for us then right at the end of the day a regular was in got 2 pork joints but caught him in time and got it back off him but whilst doin that 2 lads nicked all the steak so a bad end to the day , its so rife at my store at the moment I av been there 3 years and never known it so bad speaking to the police they say its due to all the change in benefits and they av cut back on methadone so the drug addicts are real desperate

Cheered me up that I had jess last night as extra so we had a nice night together , taking her to the park today with her cousin for a picnic so hope this weather holds out

Overall the last week as been pleasing esp with standing up more for myself , trying to make some small changes in that area , no urges at all so ten days gamble free but not counting my philosophy will always be I'm only as good as my last bet how ever long that maybe

Castle.

My friend life for so many folk out there seems to go from bad to worse on its way to hell in a hand cart.

You fella made a choice to better your life, you keep topping up that glass, its well on its way past half full.

The sun is shining and enjoy that picnic.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncan

Off to solicitors today , I av had someone look over my file and it seems from their 1st letter laying out their terms and costs I dont av much of a case , the only route I can go down is the length of time and the poor service they av given me , the main objective for me today is to find out hmm much longer and how much more , I will still push them for a review of my payments as there is some good creditable points to be raised but in all honesty I doubt they will buckle , closure on all this is the most important thing and been able to move on

Had a fab day at the park went with all exes family in the end which was nice to see them all , iv always said I will see them only if ex not there , was so windy but the sun was out ended up getting caught out and a bit burnt , jess had a great time and for me thats all that matters

Back to work today on early so prob be another long day but a busy day , still no thoughts on gambling furthest thing from my mind and thats the way I like it

Went to solicitors yesterday and to be honest went really well I conducted myself and was composed all the time didn't get angry just laid down the facts as they were , my new solicitor took notes all the way through I just kept reiterating my point that I was badly advised twice and feel let down with the service they av provided with the mistakes they av made , she actually agreed with most of what I said and is goin to speak to one of the partners of the business and review my file , I wasn't charged for yesterday so that was a relief , the main outcome of the meeting though is I signed the declaration for my decree absolut so once the consent order comes back from court it can be sent off , timescale is bout two to three weeks and all will be completed , on the cost front she is goin to write to me and let me know after speaking to the partner

Been thinkin so much recently bout my life and after divorce for me its massive a chapter of my life will be closed and a new one opened , a huge opportunity for a real fresh start and one that I am goin to take , all the s**t in my life over the last 2 years is not goin to play a part in my life no more gambling been the main factor , I dont want no reminders of what brought misery to my life

I still need to change as a person nothin drastic just put myself 1st more , I can't change in the way I want to help people and I dont want to cut I do need to not let people take advantage of that

I av to give loads of praise to Rachael with her diary she has really inspired me with her views on life and how letting other people can influence it she's so right in life people are pretty much givers or takers people very rarely change and u find out who are there for u when the times are good and when the times are bad

I know I fall into the bracket of been a giver I can't change that I hate receiving but thats sometimg I now recognize and can work on I do deserve to be a given and not always a giver

My last 2 years av pretty much been hell with respects to gambling divorced messed up in a relationship goin nowhere , I look back and ask the question who has been there for me all the time who as asked me how are u doin how's things with the divorce how are u doin with gambling , the answer is not many , in this time I still found the time to ask how others were be considerate listen to them if they were goin through a tough time

I guess gambling plays a big part in this it brings out making u feel worthless and having to accept been second best in life , for me that is the key gambling holds the key to my life and the decisions I make, gambling won't allow me to make those decisions

This has been a hell of a journey with some massive learning curbs , relapses av def helped but the advice people av given me but just as important the information I av gained from reading other diaries has been priceless

My journey is a long way from been over but the next few weeks will see that light shining brighter than ever the only person who can dim that light is myself its a pivotal moment in my life a real turning point a corner thats ready to turn

Why would I waste it ?

Castle.

Fella great post, the gift of abstinence keeps on giving.

Us we have choice to ttake it.

Today fella I saw you with both hands holding on tight.

Just for today be proud.

you earnt it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Saw you reply to my diary and just glanced at yours, obviously not had time to read the whole thing but appears you should be proud of your efforts, well done and keep it up!!

Thanks Duncan and Phil

Not a good day at work yesterday , must av been hit bout ten times with the shoplifting did get the stock back of bout 7 of them but by the end of the day it mentally drained me it could seriously depress me if I let it , just av to keep thinkin they are the ones in the wrong and not let it get to me , the adrenaline rush though when it happens is scary we are told just to let them take it then report it to the police but its not in ur nature to let it happen but at this rate someone is goin to get hurt the lifters aren't bothered they dont care desperation plays a massive part in it all

Another long day today Thursday is now easily the toughest day of the week a real slog but like any other day it will pass , got jess tonite then off tomorrow so should easily be another gamble free day today

Still no urges be 2 weeks tomorrow since my moment of madness still very conscious of not letting things build up again and they are not , dealt with what I av needed to but also not blocked anything out

Work went surprisingly well yesterday and didn't av to stay as long as I thought I would , still had a few phone calls but all part of the job , one bout someone phoning in sick and the other expressing their concerns bout having to work when the guard is not on or rather threatening not to , it really is hard to switch off at times the one thing I av learned though its impossible to keep everyone happy all I can do is my best but when we go through spells like this with the shoplifting and threats of violence it feels sometimes its not enough , just got to learn to deal with it

Cars goin in today for repairs then taking jess swimming so a full busy day , feeling good and strong at the moment and am doin everything I can to keep it that way

Hi Castle

Working with the public is a vulnerable job and I can understand what you mean about having to deal with things like this on a daily basis which is wearing over time.

Our shrinkage is quite low at the moment but we do go through speights in the winter months normally with late nights....I have had a bit of a dispute with a collegue who has tried the embracing technique of befriending our narcotically challenged visitors offering them tea! In the hope it will P***k their conscience and they wont steal from us....so now we have a few permanent visitors in our place that we have to watch for extended periods , so we cant relax ,they drink our tea which is for our customers and dont buy anything . They stay for hours making themselves at home which ties up our manpower, frightens the female staff and some of our regulars dont want to come in ...plus they are not likely to be customers spending money with us.

My collegue says he was just being nice...yep..and as a consequence of being nice now 4 members of staff now have to overcompensate in their jobs as now the fear is if we become hardline now after bascially sending them an invite it will now backfire.

R and D xx

Ps

You can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time.

Mr. castle.

Fella i am so proud to read that your minor skirmish has been placed were it should, in the lesson learnt bin and behind you.

with it i am glad to read work treated you better, food for thought, made me realise why even the smallest of outlets has security on the door, moreover for the staffs welfare.

I agree wholeheartedly with the fact this forum is outstanding at what it gifts.

a place of sanctuary to folk who need it.

from both sides of the fence, a common goal to recover from the damage gambling brings.

on that note our lily-may at the now tender age of 17 has gifted me these learning i glady pass to you.

An old banger simply won't do, no this is not to short!!

all my friends are going and my favourite, Dad i am off out tonight i need twenty quid!!!

I reply of course yes, for the apple of my eye.

I have considered a sign for out front " Hotel"

one things for sure i know you have one proud daughter

and rightly so.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Rachael and Duncan

Read a real thought provoking post on this site and stayed at the forefront of my mind ever since , when I 1st joined this site 16 months ago I used to look at diaries with loads of posts on their diaries and think wow they must be doin well in truth I didn't read many of them as still now many stick to posting who joined the same time as them , which is understandable as I didn't av the confidence or even the right to post on their diaries , now a diary with loads and loads of posts my concept has now changed with 4 relapses and still finding it such a struggle at times

The post I read was bout the levels of compulsion with in relate to gambling and some find it easier than others , some can stop quite easily as their addiction is not as strong as others is , is that true or not ? Who knows if it is could I take comfort knowing that my addiction is stronger than someone else's ? Well no not really but it is nice to know I'm not alone , of my knowledge there is a handful of diaries that av started and av remained gamble free does that mean that there addiction is less than mine ? I can't agree with that , does it mean they are stronger than me ? The likely answer is yes I would but then u could throw in av they been through as much a me with the stress and problems life as brought me , the truth is their is so many questions and there is no right or wrong answers , what I do like though is this site brings so many questions and answers , the answers lies with us and its up to us to find them we can ask as many questions as we like and never get the answers

Over 2 weeks since my last relapse and it truth I can sit here and say I dont honestly think I will gamble again , that sums up how I feel right now my experience has taught me though as time goes by that could easily change , when the divorce comes through that will remove so much stress from my life and can only help but life has a way of throwing stuff at u esp when u least expect it

I always look at my life like a jigsaw and at the moment pieces are missing when I find those pieces it will all fit together , whilst on my own it will always be a struggle financially its a real struggle only one wage comin in with everything to pay , the final piece of the jigsaw will be to meet someone else a partner for life someone to support me help to control the finances , on that front though there is no rush I won't look for it , jess plays such an important part in my life and she is my drive for that better life for now

Small steps and changes is still the key and the way forward for now , this diary is so important to me in years to come I could be on over 5000 posts but that doesn't mean wow they must be doin well for me what it will mean is that whatever happens I will fight this all the way and my diary is for me for my recovery and always will be

When that jigsaw is complete I may think differently

Yo,

Firstly tell Jess that I am routing for Jack Carroll to win BGT , shadow dances were good but felt it was a bit of a rehash of the auditions .

Secondly I am so pleased you read the post I was referring to you , and got something out of it like I did . I find this looking a bit deeper into compulsion very interesting , so your last post most defo gave me food for thought .

For that I thank you .

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Castle,

All I can say is that was one awesome post. Why? Not just because I agree with alot of what you said but, because for me recovery is a process about growth. Growth is not always a sunny drive in the park. A few folks have alluded to potholes and I manage to find them alot. I also gave some thought about the notion that some might be more addicted than others? I don't know about that but, for me it has always been about what drives me to the compulsion in the first place. Anyway, I can see that you have thru self discovery found that when you let your stress build up without letting out some of the steam the top of the pot blows off. You getting that is growth!! As Duncs and others have said recovery is bespoke. 1 day 1000 days the first post the 2000th post one year whatever, for me it will always be one day at a time. I'm honored and proud to be sharing this experience with you Castle. I know I said this before but, you were one of the first people who reached back when I tossed out that rope. I will never forget that one act of kindness because it opened a door for me. -joanxxxx

Hi Castle, and thanks for the post. It is frightening how quick kids grow up now. People always say 'oooh wait till they're in their teens then you'll have trouble.' Well, trouble of any kind is worth it for what they bring into your life. The being the father bit I find is easy, it's dealing with the ex, even after all this time difficult. She's a highly possessive/jealous/insecure person who always tries to place demands and restrictions on my access. I just ignore them but avoid confrontation only because I know the only person who'd suffer would be Maisie. Whenever the ex doesn't get here own way she threatens to stop access and make me go back through the courts again. I always call her bluff and she always calms down but it's still a nightmare and I have to go out of my way to protect Maisie from all this, I have to soak up a lot of frustration and then get it out of my system before it damages me. That's why I'm probably in the gym so much, clears the head.

The point to all this is I admire you for what you've had to endure over such a length of time. The emotions of breaking up, going through a separation and dealing with solicitors would have seriously drove me over the edge. Yet you kept it together enough to hold down and excel in a highly stressful job, move on with your life and be there for Jess. That shows real strength and for that you should be proud. when you do come through the other side, which will be soon, when everything is done and dusted with the solicitors then you will only have your future to look forward to, it'll seem like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders, both emotionally and financially.

Keep being positive

Steve

Thanks shiny Joan Steve

Had a lovely day with jess spending some real quality time with her , she's back at school today but what a week she had doin something everyday and more importantly what she enjoyed , I remember getting dragged round garden centres which to this day I still hate lol , my childhood and hers are completely different but I think a a lot of that is just to how times av changed

Had a good day at Work not much stress just had a load of meat nicked just b4 I left , just can't be in that one spot all the time not enough staff just report it and get on with it

Really pleasing that there is no urges at all feel really good at the moment , had a letter from solicitor sayin they are looking into my complaint and will respond in 3 weeks max so at least they will av a look at it which is better than nothing

Goin to go for a beer tonite not been last 2 weeks and rightly so with my slip , av forgiven myself though now