reborn on the 4th July

castle.

fella great to see your enjoying this journey again, that post from captains thread i believe once again brought us together.

I know folk come and go from the forum, i accept that recovery is bespoke.

I feel safe in the knowledge that those folk can return, the door revolves me i feel good to know that there's folk like you to support them, it feels to me like all the members carry out a continuous relay, there is always someone ready to welcome all comers old and new with some measured words to help them on there journey.

castle today i would like to celebrate that with you fella, we share a common goal, lets continue the amazing work, work others gifted us the knowledge to pass on.

it truly is not about yesterday, its about making today better for ourselves and others to boot.

fella i see us all in a line, visions of braveheart springs to mind. we stand together, of that i'm proud to be at your side.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the post castle your support means a lot. I'm glad jess had a good week and that you are feeling well and have moved on from your mad moment. Hope you get some good news when the solicitors get back to you. Take care mate.

Hey Castle ...

Hope you enjoyed some cold suds at the pub....

Im also in a relatively ok place these days after coming out of the dark..think our biorythums must be synched up...lol

Glad young Jess has had some good few days there and hopefully some sunshine...

Hopefully the runaway train will stop soon and no more shocks in the mail ive become almost superstitious about the post man now..poor chap one day I may not refer to him as satans messenger ....

R and D xx

Thanks Duncan David and Rachael

An awful day yesterday should av been working 7-230 then picking jess up from school and had a nice afternoon and evening with her , didn't go exactly to plan had a phone call from one of my management team saying they had been to the doctors and were signed off with work related stress , this week I already av 2 management off and this just was the worst situation ever , this girl is 24 lives at home with parents no money worries I just simply dont get it esp when I look at the stress I av been goin through , so I had to phone my mom and dad to pick jess up from school , for one brief moment everything hit me work divorce jess my life the constant battle to survive and I couldn't hold it anymore I just shut my office door and broke down just let it all out , after I pulled myself together drew up a plan which pretty much consisted of me doin more hours this week , the staff av been brilliant though and helped out where they can but its management positions hours that needed filling and we ain't got none , the golden rule for me is I can't sort then I do it myself which to be fair doesn't happen very often but this week this rule will av to apply

The pleasing positive out of all this there was on urge to gamble the thought never crossed my mind , it was important mentally to accept what happened and prepare myself for the longest week ever , still got next week to sort and still got 2 management off so need to sort that out but will look at that today

Hey Castle ....sending you a virtual hug (((((C)))))....also understand your frustration with folks who seem to have less worries and all the support in the world yet its not enough...and you are put into overcompensation..

Hopefully this situation at work which is not great ... may only be temporary...trouble is its a double edged sword because if you can show you can save the day and work all hours to keep it all going it becomes expected and they dont send in anyone to help you as it costs...

Right now I understand you just have to do it but you know what? ...id also get those rotas out today and make sure you get some more holiday booked as priority if you can or time off in lieu if you can to make up for the extra hours....

Self Care Mr C xx

It sounds like you have some staff members there who have great affection for you and will go the extra mile which means in my mind you are great manager and a top guy ....

keep posting when you can...if the stress builds dump it here

R and D xx

Thanks Rachael

Ended up working 25 hours in last 48 and back on at 6 this morning , this week I av wrote off but next week I av managed to plan it better and won't need to work so many hours all been well

The last couple of weeks I av helped another store out who were in a similar mess prob worse to be fair this was under instruction of my line manager , when this happened this week I phoned him asking for help I already knew the answer would be no but I needed to ask the question for him to give me that answer ,so the next time he comes calling for help my answer will also be no unless the store manager is working more hours than I av put in this week , a bit t*t for tat but thats how it makes u feel at times

No urges so pleased with that ,off to fight another day now plenty coffee today to keep me goin

Thought for the day , is tiredness more mentally or physically

Hi Castle,

It sounds like u r going thru a tough time at the moment, well done 4 staying strong. I am so proud of u 🙂

I hope things get better 4 u soon, cus ur a gr8 guy and deserve nothing but happiness.

How's Jessica? I hope she is ok and she's enjoying britains got talent 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Thanks charlotte

Got through yesterday ok just a ten hour day but the afternoon was a meeting and managed not to fall asleep this time , just got to work a 5-10 tonite and then back to normality with hours at work , got all next week sorted now

I used the mental approach yesterday , yes I was tired but I wasn't goin to let it affect me I could av quite easily felt sorry for myself but chose not to

3 weeks now since my slip , this time I av not watched any horse racing or dog racing on tv , in the paper I just skip those pages and that as really worked for me , b4 my other slips I would often still do those things and that played apart in gambling again , I know some can do it and it doesn't bother them , u could argue again bout the level of compulsion but the reality is this is working for me and need to keep it this way

Still dealing with everything I can not let nothing build up , divorce front no news as yet but I'm not worrying bout now its as though I av done what I can in my power so its just time to wait , I also compare it to running in a marathon at the beginning ur fresh and ready to go as it goes on u become tired add then more tired but then u can see the finish in sight and u get a new release of energy and sprint to the line , that sums up how I feel now with the divorce the end is now so close the weight is slowly been removed from me and when it does come through an almighty rush will run through me , I'm not naive enough to think it will be all relief and happiness a chapter of my life will now av the door shut something that as ended so I guess there could be a few mixed emotions

This will be my time , my pivotal moment , the turning point in my life , when that door closes that chapter of my life does thats the moment to close the door on gambling and keep it well and truly shut

Opportunities like this dont come along very often so for me its important to grab it back , the last 3 years av been hell for me personally and sometimes wouldn't how I got through it , I dont want to erase that from my memory as there were a lot of fighting qualities I shown but what I will do is make sure that in those 3 years I dont go back to any part of it

This is goin to be huge for my life and jess's future , nothing and no one is goin to stop me from taking this chance

Great post Castle, I always knew you was a strong character, if you can come through so much and still be positive then it says a lot about you as a person. One can never foretell what lies around the corner but I sincerely hope that for you some respite, and good times lay ahead.

People like you, with that never say 'die' attitude won the war.

Keep strong

Steve

Hey Castle ...great post there ....

I think your right about expecting mixed feelings when the door is closed and your divorce is finalised...I guess it will just all stop, the letters, phone calls , apprehension etc and that in itself will feel great but weird...you wont miss it but after all this time firefighting it will probably be a wee while before you think ..yep...thats finished.

A mid life turning point it has been for both of us ..I think we are of a similar age and even though its been hell we can both now write new scripts for ourselves which in a way is quite exciting.

Im not ready to go back out yet as getting used to being comfortable in my own skin for a while...

Well....another day off for today and then back to face the good people of manchester tomorrow....doing weird working hours due to staff holidays and auditors....I also managed to put me first and booked some holiday time ..normally I have a stack left over as everyone else puts theirs in first and I am left with 3 weeks in feb of next year....lol

You made it through the wall and now your second wind is coming to push you through to the finish line xx....bottle of champers ready

R and Dx

Castle.

My dear friend what I take from your post is there is a great focus on moving forward. I feel through my experience that through abstinence or arresting the mindset that for a period the outside factors that have been directly affected by our addiction means or results in us being in limbo a sort of merry go round existence, that time is when our addiction still has it's greatest hold, days were our resolve is strained, tested beyond our will. We become in danger of letting the addiction become again the reason we live. To exist to feed the addiction.

Through these days you took a few beatings, but in the spirit you possess, the outstanding desire you have to better your life you dusted yourself down, strengthend your resolve and refused to give in.

I have taken so much pride in sharing your journey as i believe we share a common goal.

We accept fully the consequences of our addiction, we educate our minds through the hard work and honest approach to recovery.

The level of our compulsive addiction is not the most important thing here, we don't waste our energy in futile competition to judge it, honestly we established that when gambling. We cannot win because we cannot stop.

For us we share the same goal.

Our life will improve and opportunity will present itself.

Why??

Because there have been many battles, you did not once wave the white flag, you refused to surrender.

That merry go round will stop spinning soon to be replaced by a path of opportunity.

And you my friend i hope will find your path delivers all you worked for, and to boot you will enjoy it with your lights guide, your Jess.

It is an honour to be able to have met you, a relationship that will i know reap from what we sowed.

One day at a time.

With honour and strength.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Castle.

To end. The support you show others in equal measure is something to be proud of.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Was thinking today , hope you've got Jess tomorrow and get to watch BGT together .

One whole year mate , think we've learnt a lot and moved our recoveries forward in that time .

Good for us , that's what I recon.

Enjoy tomorrow , hugs to Jess ,

Shiny xx

Fantastic stuff castle!

Really hope this is a new chapter after all you have been through.I think it will ,sometimes written words are more powerful and you sound focused and determined to make the right choices for your daughter something I'm trying to do too and for the first time in a long time I think I can

Paul

Thanks everyone

Just get through today then off tomorrow , picking jess up straight from work then got her till tomorrow night so can spend some real quality time with her , with all the mess goin on at work and doin a 60 hour week what naffs me off more than anything is since Mon I av only seen jess for bout 3 hours

This week though I mentally won the battle I didn't let it affect me a quick breakdown embarrassing as it was in the end really helped it got it out of my system shook myself down dealt with what was in front of me and got no with it

This week job done !