reborn on the 4th July

Enjoy your day with Jess mate, you're grinding it out. Keep the chin up, you are a battler.

I think having a few tears got rid of the tension Castle ...and now day off for you tomorrow with Jess... It's still forecast good up here in the north so if we have sun I shall push it your way ....

I've even started watching The Voice ....but in between cooking so I don't know all the names but BGT contestants I have no idea at the moment...am out of the loop..

Onwards but also Rest up aswell ..

R and D xx

Thanks Rachael , Andy

Had a fab night with jess sat night watchin bgt let her stay up till 11 she loved the egg throwing incident dont think she could believe her eyes , by 11 was done for plan was jess would sleep in and I could post a bit , jess did lay in only for me lay in even later ! So the morning was gone without doin a great deal , took her to the park in the afternoon with one of her friends did a picnic again as the weather held out , ex picked her up at six , made myself some tea stuck a film on and was asleep again in no time , alarm went off this morning and could av slept much longer , overall last week at work took its toll

Hopefully alls calmed down on that front got this week sorted after that goin into the unknown territory will or won't member of management team be back or not she should keep in touch and was told to phone Sat but never did so will seek some advice today at Work , with her sick note stating work related stress on it I need to make adjustments of some sort b4 her return or the same thing could happen again

Goin great guns on the gambling front never felt better no urges no desire to throw my money away , just need to keep doin what I am doin and deal with what I can in my life and save the rest till later

A fresh start to the week , been at work half hour phone rings someone phones in sick and the day went pretty much on from there , had to make loads of phone calls couldn't get hold of anyone and nobody replied them , so overall a frustrating day

The positives I didn't let it affect me just dealt with what I could , I do feel so strong at the moment really puting me .1st and if other dont like it then well tough !

I feel like a contestant on gladiators doin that run where they av to get past 5 gladiators and cross the line , my strength and determination is with me and nothing will get in my way I can see that line now its so close in touching distance

One day at a time and I will nearly be there

Castle,

I loved that bit on gladiators, seeing them get bounced off one guy about 5 times was always funny. Well done on your strength to deal with things, I am sure that comes with time as know you have been fighting the battle for a long time.

keep up the good work and have a great day.

Phil

Hey Castle,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. You doing so well im very pleased for you.

Well work is work i suppose, must of been first shock reaction:-) sailing through so far. I know its gonna be long 6nights ahead, but i suppose i will have something else to concentrate on.

Keep strong and have a good week.

Sandra

Thanks Phil and Sandra

A back to normality day yesterday not many problems to sort , had to do an early so managed to pick jess up from school and spend extra time with her

Pay day Thursday and with my sister still having my cards no worries on that front , I really av blocked gambling out of my life if any adverts come on I just turn away still skipping the race pages , I know my next big hurdle will be the start of the football season but can't control that yet so just concentrate on today , am on a late at work then back on an early and with loads to do time will fly

Hi Castle

Thanks for the post, appreciated.

Hope things continue to go well for you and if or when you slip up you treat it as a blip and continue to make progress.

Start of football season will be a biggie for me too, trying not to thinkg about that just now, although part of my head will always say its ok to bet on football and other sports as long as I stay away from standing in the bookmakers gambling on the virtual rubbish......Man Utd to beat Wigan is better than picking a number at Portman Park!

Thanks captain

I know exactly where ur comin from on that one but for me I can't do it I know that 1st bet of any kind and the cycle will start again its all or nothing for me , it always starts off well then does disastrous and with 4 relapses ist a proven fact for me

Alls well for me ticking along nicely been patient with divorce and not stressing bout anything , while its like this it makes life so much easier hope it stays that way

Nothing better than to start the day reading a post that sends thoughts running through my head which is great for me as the last couple of posts the words and inspiration was not quite there , on that front though I dont worry no more been there so many times with that one to let it bother me

Can a compulsive gambler ever be cured ? A straight forward enough question but with so many answers as many av different opinions with this , I made my comments on that thread at the end of the day its down to each individual , for me though it kick started my day gave me a jolt and got my brain workin

Am off today but av to go to a meeting this afternoon for a couple of hours , another announcement to be made with more changes for the business , retail is on its knees at the moment so change is needed I just find it so frustrating at store level where we are at the forefront of all the customers and we av to get it right no excuses but the support we need to do that falls down , I just get on with it now and keep my opinions to myself

Still no desire or urge to gamble , for me its just keeping that stress out of my life and dont get complacent

Will I be cured ?

No

But I will never give up and I will live my life and enjoy each day that comes and for me there's nothing wrong with that

Just read your post in Devonians diary, I agree that a compulsive gambler can never be cured I posted same in that diary.

Your triggers in stress and boredom that you mention are same as mine, got me thinking about other triggers and others of mine are:

(i) discontent i.e. when not bored or stress but just need some 'buzz' and cant see anything else in life to give me that feeling,

(ii) the dream of winning money, which succeeds for a time before all the cards fall down. (My disasterous spell as a professional gambler would have been fine if I had discipline and wasnt a CG )

(iii) As an escape - to disappear into a parallel world where you can be the person you think you want to be rather than who you are

(iv) To feel important, increase your self-confidence, feel successful, receive praise and congratulations from others, as you are not experiencing these thing in real life....

Hey Castle

Enjoying reading your posts there and comments on others diaries ....I can't join in in the content as I'm not a gambler but looking at parallels in my own psyche there as certain aspects of it that I won't also be cured of and like you and many here I have to just accept as being part of me.

Stress is the key trigger and "OFP"...other foooking people ..lol ...who I am powerless over ..so unless I live in a desert island with no human contact and no outside stress then I guess I am always going to be someone who flares up and down under stress in anger and rage ..

I think i am a rageaholic ..and that may sound funny but I get a definate payoff and release from stress after I go into a rage state. In my head its fully controlled even though extreme when it happens and once it's out I can return to normal ..others dont see it like that and get frightened.

I know my brain chemistry changes and I almost feel I'm being taken over by another force.

Without that outlet I can become extremely agitated and depressed.

Sport doesnt help as I've tried to discharge this through sport but it surpressed it more as does s*x.....Both may exhaust me but it internalising the urges more...

It has to come out vocally through sound or voice or through word which is why singing is possibly the only constructive way I can get rid of the stress and why I'm an avid writer.

If you footage of Hitler on the podium it's not unlike that as I become very inflated ,articulate,cutting and cold it's white rage..

I go into a possessed monologue ranting state which can be switched on and off at will but i get no satisfaction unless its played out til the end which I am guessing is similar to gambling.

So ..likewise I also cannot be cured and just have to accept it and live with it...if I meet new people I am very honest about it from the start and also tell them what my triggers are....arrogance usually in all its forms ..

Once I get in that rage mode I'm unstoppable ..a bit like the s**t or bust equivalent ..it has to reach its own end and I can't be stopped midstream as it makes me worse ..it has to die down and be slept off as I am literally drunk on rage even when stone cold sober.

In past when I have said what my triggers are people have said it sounds like a threat but I am warning them for their protection too.

By telling people this from the start gives THEM a choice and also hopefully they already have the heads up if and when it happens ...I am not going to kid myself that it won't.

I also tell them what to do and not to do when it happens and what makes it worse...again so they have a choice.

I saw it as being responsible by telling folks this is likely to happen under XYZ circumstances and then arming them with info do they can make a choice. Id do the same if I had epileptic fits or something.

Anyway ...had a ramble there but hopefully that makes sense xxxx

Ps ..just wanted to also add that with my ex it wasn't the loss of money through gambling that triggered me into my rage ..it was the arrogance ,and in his case the gambling just brought out this part of his personality so we ended up in a chicken and egg cycle neither of us backing down.

He would trip me into rage and then he would escape into gambling ..I guess my childish attitude was "he started it" so i felt justified in anger as he was a gambler prior to meeting me but I didn't know what that meant.

If I'm away from my triggers I'm the nicest person on the planet also it's such a shame that we all end up like this but own the positive we have some new pals and also a lot of wisdom and understanding ....xx

Hi Castle,

I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome. I think we are on similar paths in that I too let stuff get to me then kapow! I implode, and well, the rest as you know is history. Thank you for being there when things were starting to get really scary. Your words meant alot. -joanxxx

Yo,

Thank you for your post .

Tell Jess that the shadow dancers were worthy winners in my opinion .

As for big brother not my cup of tea . But if you are watching that every time she stays with you , I take my hat off to you .

Keep on keeping mate , coz right here right know its working ,

Enjoy your weekend

Shiny xxxxxx