reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Rachael Nicki

Just woke from another 11 hour sleep so catching up on that front , just goin to av a nice cuddly snuggly day today with jess as its my last day with her , hopefully all will be well later when I drop her off

Must be comin up to ten weeks now since my mad moment still feel strong but would be lying if I didn't say one or two urges were creeping in put that down to my mind having more space now the solicitors aren't consuming all my thoughts tie that in with been off from work another mind occupying action , the next two weeks will be tough and I dont deny that one day at a time will be the way forward and s staying close to this site

Enjoy your snugly day Castle

Normal transmission is resumed my end so you're safe ..lol

Had my own slip back into rage and like us all on here I saw my triggers brewing as i was stacking up resentment then kaboom !

I should have kept away and just kept in my own path but had a few flashbacks ,strayed from the familiar and the safety wire tripped .

Keep posting

R and D xx

Thanks for your post and continued support Castle. I hope you continue to resist the urges and keep adding to your gamble-free 10 weeks.

Thanks Rachael captain

Dropped jess of at 4 yesterday she was a bit teary but put on a brave face hopefully now she will go on to av a fantastic holiday

Managed to read quite a bit last night on here and felt the need to post on a couple , I really enjoy the healthy debates that happen on here as for me its good to keep that interest and yet my appetite for my brain to keep thinking and stay focussed , I will be the 1st to admit in my time I av hit many flat spots no motivation no inspiration and just found everything a struggle and av read a few others sometimes feel that way finding that balance is always hard as u want to stop gambling and sometimes u just want to forget and move on so the last thing is to talk and read bout it daily but there's also the need not to forget what gambling can do and tim impact it had on our lives

Reading other diaries is crucial for me some I can take something from and put it into my own recovery others the reminder of the pitfalls that lie ahead and on the odd occasion nothing or read something that I disagree with , in the end I av choices I choose to read diaries and if I come across a post that gives me urges to gamble then its down to me to make that choice to act on them not the individual who wrote the post

Everyone on here I hope is genuinely trying to better their lives and everything they post is to benefit them its an amazing site that has helped me enormously and ultimately thats all that matters

Kept myself busy yesterday had one or two urges but expected that as it was a Saturday and not working with spare times on my handh but they soon passed , met up with some old friends last night and had a really good time

Last day b4 work and am ready to go back and do feel better for the time off only back 2 weeks b4 been off again for another 2 weeks I'm hoping by then my brain will av adjusted to all thats happened with regards to divorce and solicitors

Once back from Blackpool that will be the time to start rebuilding my financial situation and get rid of my short term debt but for now will just deal with what's in front of me

Saturday is always gonna be the most difficult day for all gamblers. Well done on resisting the urges and keep doing whatever works for you.

Thanks captain

A real tough afternoon loads of urges but know the reasons too much time no jess but didn't cave in hit the gym instead had to force myself to go but feel better for it now

Also a bit reflective after my night out with old friends were all the same age but what a difference in positions in life , one has is mortgage paid off the other 2 with bout ten years left and out all of the 4 of us I earn the most money , all 3 still married and what I would say are playing the game of life get married house kids plod along but to be fair to them they av all done well and then of course I put myself up against them and its oh so different I'm on my own bout 15grand in debt which will take bout 8 years to pay off if I follow the debt plan could be earlier if I can get on track quicker than I hope

Gambling has played a massive part in all this not all of it but a good chunk of it and thats the constant reminder of my past that can come back and bite me from time to time

I now av that opportunity to get my life sorted yes it will take time , I still live the same life as my friends can get what I want on a day to day basis access to cash but the long term security of life is a worry but can't dwell on that life is for living got to keep stepping forward and not look back

Today I didn't gamble I want that better life

Hi Castle,

You said no, you did not succomb to the urge and that is huge. A massive pat on the back to you Castle!! -joanxxxx

Hi Castle

Thanks for post. Your last post hits a chord with me. I have always been a bit of a loner but one of the reasons I rarely socialise these days and have lost touch with old friends are the comparisons. As you describe, they are all doing better than me with mortgages paid off or as near as, happy with their family lives etc.

Like you I have many years to pay off debts, 10 estimated hopefully bit sooner, but we cannot get the missing years back where our friends and colleagues have lived normal lives and have happy memories and are debt free.

My best memories are the biggest wins and worst the biggest losses. But we are where we are and we are recovering and recovery must involve the creation of new non-gambling memories and not be all about regrets and debt paying.

Best wishes

Hey Castle

I've been fortunate to be around men also and have seen the story from a different side ..

I love opposite a doctor who is well revered . 4x 4 , convertible BMV ..kids who graduated from Oxbridge ..guess who has got the most empty booze bottles in the recycling???

I have also not been an angel throughout my life either ..a few encounters with successful men who I should not have entertained who appear to have it all on the outside yet are still talking up a good job to keep the whole show going behind closed doors ..

Some people have a paranoia of failing ...and guess what ? They are forever prisoners.

We may not see it just yet Castle but in a crazy way we are liberated ...the worst case scenario DID happen...we no longer have to live in fear of it.

One thing I will flag up for you that you may not have considered before....you may also be someone who others are jealous of...

You have gone through a process that others live in fear of taking either through their own initiation or another's...but don't be surprised ...jealousy can come from a place least expected and it shocks you as you think...but I've not got as much as you,

In time you will see you have something money cannot buy ...and from my experience of men...it is my freedom that they have been the most jealous of.

R and D xx

Castle,

It saddens me to read some of your recent posts. I am also guilty of looking at others and thinking they are in a better position than me but there are things I have that they will never have. Your relationship with your daughter for one. People in their safe lives sometimes don't appreciate what they have or the time they spend with their loved ones. I don't think anyone would ever say you are guilty of that. Also, I strongly believe good things happen to good people. I don't know you personally but in a different world in different circumstances you are the type of person I would welcome into my world. In time, you will be welcomed into the world of others. In time, you will meet someone knew and great who will appreciate your greatness.

It's not about the eight years of paying back the debt it's about the journey you choose to have during that time. Eight years from now when your debt is paid your life will be so different in so many ways and who know what you will do in that time and who will be part of it.

You are a fabulous individual who is coming out of a very difficult time. I think your journey ahead will be full of promise and opportunity.

One day at a time..............

Tomso.

Thanks everyone

Back to work today and ready for it feel so much better for the break , it was great to wake this morning getting through a tough weekend and not succumbing to any urges

I think sometimes I forget my independence and how liberated I am no one to answer to do what I want when I want yes there are downsides to this esp from a gambling point of view but hey there's downsides to everything , life could be a lot worse and thats what I need to remember

I now av an opportunity to make all the rights from the wrongs and I'm goin to take it and not look back

Thanks for the post Castle and glad that posting on my diary has helped set you up for the day.

Appreciate your comments about the reading of entries which may trigger gambling. Yourself and a few others have expressed that it is upto the individual whether they act on any urge after reading an entry. I would concur with that and Yes I am only documenting on my diary a record of my thoughts and actions to help myself and potentially for others to take something from it and I appreciate the positive feedback I get.

I did read that other entry about the person winning enough to clear debts and then giving up and coming back here. And I did think maybe I should go back to rnadom gambling one more time, win money for a month and then quit but in the same way others quote that they are one bet away from destruction, I know now that another venture into random couldnt be for just a month it would become a way of life again very quickly.

And with regard to triggers and urges for gambling there are far more out there every day which are stronger than reading a diary like reading adverts in papers, on TV, online etc.

Glad that being back at work has proved helpful for you.

Glad your back in such high spirits great to read. Got ya freedom and enjoying it. More of the same to come I hope.

Hey Castle ...wow back to work! That went quick..where did the time go ?

I'm glad you are in fine fettle and have enjoyed a few days off...it's true that I also take for granted my freedom , it's only when it is compromised that I start realising how having a good solid base of my own creation without interference and obligation is precious to me.

You are doing great and also a super dad to Jess .

R and D xx