Relapse after 13 years - first time posting

Where do I start,

I am 35 years old now and have relapses back into gambling after recently remortgaging my house and drawing out equity.

I have lost approx £20k in the last two months, all through blackjack.

My gambling started when I was at uni in 2009 and used to do light gambling here and there but when I saw larger wins which at the age was big money the problem just escalated and back then I got myself into debt with friends, family, banks.

My problem of chasing losses spanned over a few years back then and when I was around 22 found myself in approx £30k debt. Left uni got a job and paid it all off.

I didnt gamble for 12/13 years.

Fast forward to the last few months, I now have my own home, mortgage, partner and a beautiful daughter.

I have been off work with work related stress, and recently had a large pot of equity paid out.

So what happened was I took some money and started going back to the only casino I wasnt self excluded from and started winning regularly was more of a boredom filler and felt like I had it under control.

We all have trigger points and mine was due to relationships in my personal life as when things got overwhelming I went into self destruct mode.

I went and lost over £10k in one day over multiple buy in sessions.

I then moved onto online gambling where I lost another large sum over staggered escalating buy ins.

I tricked myself into thinking I was ok and was in control as I could always flip a profit but it took me back into my old self where I couldnt walk away and was chasing those losses.

That little 20 odd year old was still there.

I dont know if I am a gambling addict or have poor impulse restraint, because im not sitting here itching to play, I just feel I have let down myself and my family.

I opened up and broke down and came clean to my partner last night, she has been very supportive, disappointed (understandably) but supportive.

I constantly mess things up and although I know im not a bad person, I do know something is wrong with me somewhere as its been a running theme from childhood.

I was going to go to a GA meeting tonight but feel so drained, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I was able to go 13 years without gambling and know I can do it again, its just a hard pill to swallow.

I would really like to connect with people going through, been through and even got through similar situations.

Thank you for reading