Rock bottom gets worse

Your post is lovely  , you are right at times like these you see what’s important  and wats not , hope you have had a lovely day ?

Good evening Bex,

just wanted to pop in and say hello. I am so pleased to hear that things are going well for you. This is a time that encourages us to reflect on life and all things precious to us. Take good care my friend x

So I believe it is 28 days completed and on to 29 which means it’s been four whole weeks. My next goal is 50 days and then 100. 

Ive been so busy today I haven’t had a chance to get on chat but definitely plan on trying to join both chat sessions tomorrow.  Ive worked until 1am preparing documents I need for tomorrow and now I’m mentally knackered. As I’ve done so many hours today I plan to have an easy afternoon tomorrow once I’ve got all the important work stuff out the way. I’ve got to be up early for an important meeting so I can’t wake up late so no doubt I’ll wake up several times during the night in a panic thinking I’ve slept through my alarm- that’s what usually happens anyway!

I haven’t  had any time to read any diaries so going to make sure I have some time to do this tomorrow.  

As regards to gambling, I’ve had no urges or thoughts and thankfully no realistic dreams about it either. 4 weeks later, I feel mentally strong, probably stronger then I have felt in a very long time despite it being such a difficult time for everyone at the moment. It sure helps to have a clear head. 

Just want to thank the special people on here who have supported me this far - I am really grateful to have the pleasure of being part of this community. 

Off to get some sleep and hope to catch many of you tomorrow (or should I say today).

Congratulations Bex on your excellent progress. 

You have achieved a great deal over the last four weeks and are a real inspiration to me. I love your positivity, kindness and your sense of humour which always brings a smile to my face.

Wishing you contentment and happiness as you continue on your journey.

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen x

so day 30 is done and now on to day 31. I can officially say I have one month gf completed and it makes me happy. I’ve had no urges or thoughts to gamble this time round so that has made it so much easier and I often wonder if I should count the days as the aim is to be gf forever but I’ve decided seeing the tally of days is a motivator so for the time being I’ll keep counting but further down the line hope fully it won’t matter. 

Todays been okay despite not feeling too great.Managed to make chat twice today even though I slept a lot later then I wanted and missed half of evening chat, I really enjoyed both sessions and both had me laughing so much. Laughter is good for the soul and definitely helps with ones mood so think it’s important to find ways of brightening up the day, outside of eating. 

I just want to express my appreciation to gamcare for providing the support and environment for us all to come together. I think it’s more important now then it  has ever been and I’m grateful for my gamcare friends. 

Massive congratulations Bex on the completion of one month gamble free. Excellent progress on your journey of recovery.

Your lovely, caring and compassionate nature always makes me smile and I am proud to walk this road with good friends like yourself.  Your positivity shines out and chases away the darkness.

Very impressed to learn that you and your delightful daughter had enjoyed a walk in the woods. Great exercise and a good opportunity to talk and have a few laughs along the way. 

Wishing you a good week ahead

Stephen x 

Hey lonely just wanted to say thanks for swapping details I will message u when I get them.

Chat has been great supportive and we have had a giggle.

Loulou x

Thank you Stephen and Loulou, I’m proud to have you as my gamcare friends. I really enjoy chat these days and try to make as much effort to get on as often as I can. Stephen, thank you for your kind words. I try to be positive as I believe positivity promotes positivity. Have you heard of the self for filling prophecy? Well I truly do believe in it! I guess it is also why I chose my profession - it’s not a job but a vocation. I love helping people whether that’s with basic skills or emotional support - helping others makes me happy and making someone smile doesn’t cost anything apart from a little time and everyone has time. It’s just about how we choose to use it. 

Day 32 & payday ?

well the end of 31 days come to a close with playing dancing games with my daughter and we had a giggle. You’d be proud of me Stephen - I’m getting performance ready. ? I also felt like I’d popped a lung by the end of it and panting a goodun which shows how unfit I really am so I’ve decided that I am now going to include a walk and dance session everyday whilst in lockdown. I’ll probably regret that idea in a few days but I decided that way I can have my cake and eat it!!! ??

Feeling good today and happy it’s payday, I’m sat up and not a single penny will leave my account for gambling. Goal is to pay my daughter back most of what I owe from last month and get at least one debt cleared. I am finally on the right track and plan to stay on it full steam ahead! Bring on day 32!

Self Fulfilling Prophecy sounds quite fascinating Bex. I will read up on that.

I must admit to smiling when trying to picture you and your daughter dancing your little socks off last night. I imagine it was a lot of fun.

Monthly works pension in the bank tomorrow so am feeling a little pensive. I have no urge to gamble and couldn't anyway with betting shops closed, gamstop and gambling freeze on my bank account but memories of past disasters will probably take a while to leave my mind.

Sincerest best wishes in the whole wide world

Stephen x 

Thank you as always for your lovely comments and ongoing support Stephen.  Let me know what you think when you read up about it. 

Day 33 

So day 32 is over and it has been a mixed day. For the most part, it has been good. 

It was payday and I sat down and calculated my budget and worked out what I could pay back my daughter, made up missed payments from last month and have a little left after - not that I really need much right now as there’s nowhere to go and nothing to spend my money on other than bills and debts. I plan to phone one of them up tomorrow and get it paid off so that will be one down. Even though I have some money to spare in my account I can genuinely say I still have no urges to gamble so this has really pleased me. I have had no desire or thoughts for the past 31days but did wonder once I saw a sum of money in my account whether that would change things, and it hasn't. I can see clearly and my only real focus is to pay off my debts, repay my daughter which I will have done in full next month and to start saving. For many people the current circumstances are a nightmare, I understand why and I have to be honest that by this evening I was feeling a little stir crazy but I am also looking st this as an opportunity. I am very fortunate to be able to still work from home, this also means that in the next month or two I will save a reasonable amount of my salary from not having to travel and quite frankly, anything else I’d usually spend it on so I am going to look at the positive and use this money to try and pay off at least two debts over the next two months. Then I may still be able to hit my goal of being almost debt free by the end of the year. 

On another note, when I started this diary I was in a dark place and chose the name Lonelysoul. I have today decided that this name is no longer appropriate and wanted a name to reflect me as a person now in recovery so I have now changed it to Livelysoul. ? I want to be a positive factor in this forum. 

Wishing all my gamcare friends and anyone new to the forum a good night and a gamble free week. 

Livelysoul ?

Good morning livelysoul, you are right we all need to take the positives from this situation  , you have come so far in recovery it’s pleasure to watch you grow , well done on paying a debt off , who new that paying them was such a nice feeling hay , it nice wen everything starts to fall into place , hope you have a wonderful day ?? loveing the name change suits you ?

It made me happy reading your update Livelysoul (love the new name). 

Here are a few words that might describe our ? zealous ? lively ? soul

? exquisitely refined ?  and ready to ? rock n roll ?

Proctive ? organiser ? with great talent ? and finesse ?

Salvaging her ? precious life ? from a ruinous gambling mess

Wishing you a super duper Tuesday

Stephen x 

Morning Lively.

Don't know if you have seen the news but the clocks were advanced by an hour this morning to help people with their shopping.

Stephen x 

Hi Lively. Sorry about the April Fools Day joke! You can put your clocks back now lol.

A big thank you for your continued support. I really appreciate your advice and encouragement.

I talked to a friend on the phone last night. She was emotional and struggling with the isolation as she lives alone. Spends a lot of time on the phone or lap top but misses personal contact so I suggested she join me tomorrow at the riverside where we can keep a few metres apart whilst enjoying a good talk and listen to some music. Might even dance around a bit because she likes to dance and I can practice the Inbetweeners dance ?.

Very impressed with your continued good progress.

Best wishes

Stephen x 

Thank you as always Stephen for putting a smile on my face when I come to my diary to find a positive, happy message from you. It must be tough living on your own during a time like this so I hope your walk tomorrow will be as therapeutic for you as it is for your friend. She is lucky to have you and that is such a thoughtful thing of you to do. I will picture you practising our dance moves! ?

Day 35

Today has been a good day with some great news from work which reminds me that despite all of my past screw ups as a result  of gambling that I am good at my job. I am a perfectionist and being good at my job is extremely important to me, probably the second highest thing after my daughter. I have had so many ups and downs with this addiction but often my job is what has kept me grounded. I’ve always been someone who if I’m told I won’t be able to do something, I will try my damnedest to prove I can, I have never done failing and always strive for perfection or to be the best. I think in many ways this has also always been a trigger for me in many respects as I have always set such high expectations of myself with no room to move. I also think this was why it has taken so long for me to truly be in recovery as I just couldn’t accept that gambling had beat me. Not in the sense of money but in the way that I believe I should of been strong enough to stop on my own as I usually achieve what I have set out to do. The exception to this is gambling. I’ve accepted it now and believe by doing this  I truly am on the path to recovery. I know I cannot beat this without the support from Others on here, I have accepted that by admitting this that that isn’t me failing. 

34days have gone past and I still have no desires whatsoever, I have gotten all my bills up to date and I still have a small amount left in the bank which will last until the end of the month as I don’t have much to spend it on. I have been to the local shop and in a very long time, picked up whatever I wanted without a thought to how much it came to and happily  went to the till without having to check my bank balance or watch what I bought. I know I am more fortunate then some but this past week I really have reflected on what is really important and I am enjoying the simple things that I haven’t enjoyed in years. 

I have enjoyed cooking, getting up in the morning and making myself and my daughter breakfast, going for a walk and so many simple things. I know for a lot of people being in lockdown is a nightmare but for me, it has given me the opportunity to look at my life in a completely different perspective and realise I don’t need to gamble to win more money or to enjoy myself (or so I would tell myself) because as long as I don’t gamble I can enjoy the little things. I spent so much time constantly trying to work out how to fix the mess I had created each month I never really had the chance to just think and relax. 

I have also noticed I’m sleeping less. This is a good thing as I always thought it was because I was tired and exhausted and some of it is the reason but I also slept a lot to pass the time and to give my mind a rest. After all when you’re sleeping you don’t have to think about how to fix everything. 

For the first time in about 20 years I feel like I have some peace of mind, which is ironic given the current situation. Anyway I went of on a tangent so will end it there. 

Wishing everyone another gf day.