Rock bottom gets worse

Hi Lively.

Just a quick visit to wish you a super duper weekend. 

Stephen x 

Hi lively hope you are feeling better not in chat got somethings going on and just need to clear My head take care and thanks for your support your friend            
   Scotty ?❤️❤️?? 

Good night and sweet dreams Lively.

Respect and a big thank you for your wisdom in the chatroom this evening.

You are a genuine, kind and considerate soul with a thorough understanding of what we are all up against.

Wishing you every happiness over the coming week.

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen for your kind and flattering words. ? I hope you have sweet dreams too!

Day 80 completed and on to day 81. 

Today has been a mixed day. Didn’t wake up until late which was very much needed as didn’t go to sleep until silly o’ clock. It’s strange because when it comes to bed time even when I’m tired, my brain is always so overactive and I still don’t sleep then wake up knackered in the morning. Feel exhausted in the afternoon then end up having an evening nap. I need to try and get out of this circle because it’s not good for me. Even when I don’t nap I still end up half the night. I have started to wonder if it’s because it’s still instilled into my brain from so many nights of being up all night gambling. Had another gambling dream the other night which was both disturbing and annoying. I’ve not had any urges so don’t know why these dreams keep creeping in. I hope eventually they will go away. 

Went for a long walk today to get some fresh air and change of scenery as looking at the same four walls has become tougher the past week. It was nice. 

Everything is good and I can’t complain about anything as things are good right now although I did reflect on things earlier about what I could do when eventually we are out of lockdown and things I’ve wanted to do but never had the money or made time for. Then I realised that I still have one thing that is missing and that I can make all of these great plans but the reality is, I have no friends. Not even one good friend to do anything with and all the things I want to do, I wouldn’t do on my own so I guess I need to tackle that one first. How do people make friends these days? Would love to hear any suggestions on how people have made new friends. I live in a town where I don’t know anyone and only go out to go to work and I guess when I was gambling it didn’t matter that I had no friends as gambling was my friend. I’d happily do that on my own but now that’s gone I need to find other ways of filling my time when lockdown is over.

I hope everyone has a good Monday. 

Lively

Great post as always Lively. You tell it like it is and bring to the surface problems that many compulsive gamblers are faced with when in recovery.

It is perfectly understandable that your sleep patterns have been disturbed:

1/ You are 81 Days into your recovery which is excellent but the trauma you experienced will probably take some time to subside. I suspect most of us will suffer from PTSD to some extent.

2/ People everywhere are dreaming more and not sleeping so soundly due to the pandemic which has swept over the world.

3/ Your work is very demanding and carries a lot of responsibility. Working from home may be good in some respects but not all and you are working your little socks off to make sure the tasks are carried out to your high standards.

I would not be so rude as to advise you on how to live your life ?? but I might suggest you:

1/ Stop smoking.

2/ Treat yourself in a kind, considerate and caring manner.

3/ Enjoy daily walks and gentle exercise plus plenty of fresh air.

It is interesting what you wrote about friendships because gambling prevented us from enjoying time with friends. The addiction controlled us from start to finish but we could never see it as it was. Gambling is a sad, solitary and lonely existence but when in the midst of it we were blinded to the truth.

I am sure you will see with more clarity as you progress on your gamble free adventure and your life will slowly fall into place. You are a delightful lady and anyone who is fortunate enough to meet you will have been truly blessed.

There are a number of activities that provide fun in a social setting. Dancing is the first thing that comes to my mind. Salsa, Modern Jive & Lindyhop all welcome single people. Some Ballroom Schools welcome singles but would have to ring around and make enquiries.

A few people I have talked to are members of community choirs which were popping up all over the country in recent years.

I have been told that Drama Groups are a lot of fun.

Take care dear friend

Stephen x 

Good evening Lively. Great to see you in the chatroom this evening.

Many thanks for your musical recommendations which are both excellent. I had not heard "Dance Monkey" before and think it is a lovely little song. 

Nite nite sweet dreams.

Stephen x 

Aww thank you for popping by Stephen. Sorry I’ve not posted much or had much time in chat - have tried to pop in to check in on you to make sure I don’t neglect you so I do apologise if I’m only passing through the next few weeks ahead. As you are aware I have a gruelling work schedule but I’m hoping I’ll be able to frequent the diaries and chat a bit more when it is all done. Will make sure I keep popping by to check in on you. 

Day 82 nearly over - on to day 83.

Its only Tuesday and feel I’ve already worked the whole week. Not much to say other than I’m tired and looking forward to a hot bath and bed. Otherwise, no urges and all good on the gambling front. 

I hope everyone has a good, gamble free Wednesday. 

Good evening Lively. Hope you have had a good day and managed to get out in the sunshine for a little while.

It concerns me that you are working such long hours so please take good care of yourself and hopefully when you retire for the evening, you will sleep soundly and enjoy the most beautiful dreams imaginable.

Stephen x 

Hi lively just pop in to say hi and thanks I am feeling a lot better just got a bit of problem with my left arm I went in to chat tonight which was lovely I have missed it I hope to see you In Chat soon Take and try not to work to bad your friend              
        Scotty ❤️??

Thank you Stephen and Scotty for your posts. I hope you have both had a good Thursday. 

Stephen, thank you for your concern about me working long hours but I guess the upside is I do genuinely love my job for the most part and you’ll be pleased to know I had a couple of hours this evening of relaxation - think it’s exactly what I needed. I hope you had a nice walk by the river and enjoyed the glorious sunshine. 

Scotty, sorry to have missed you in chat and I hope you’re looking after yourself. I hope you are able to get out and enjoy the weather even if it is sitting outside and that you feel better soon. 

Day 84 -on to day 85 

Has been a exceptionally busy day with work. For the first time in a long time I slept like a baby and had a full night’s sleep without waking up every hour. Definitely hope there is more where that came from. Sat down this evening and did some number crunching and got another bill paid so that made me happy. 

Only 6 days until payday and still have money in the bank. I could and will definitely get use to this. Not too long until the next target and happy to say still no gambling urges. 

I hope everyone has a good gamble free Friday. ?

Thank you for posting on my diary Lively. You are an absolute treasure and your support is very much appreciated.

Pleased to read that you are feeling good and sleeping like a log. Your excellent progress in recovery makes me very happy and I am over the moon that we will both soon be celebrating 100 Days GF.

The start of a nice long bank holiday weekend so hopefully you can enjoy some breaks from your demanding work schedule. Total respect for your dedication, devotion and hard work ethics.

Maybe over the next few days you can find time for relaxation together with nice meals and talks with your delightful daughter, walks in the countryside and some wild, wonderful and extremely lively, fun-filled adventures.

Best wishes

Stephen x 

Hello Lively.

Hope you have had a nice relaxing day. 

Wishing you every happiness over the coming week.

Stephen x 

Hi Livley I have changed to banana Dogg not sure about it I do for now I really appreciate your support hope you stay on but you  Must do what is right for you Take care                                                        
   banana Dogg ❤️??? 

Hi Lively. Hope you have had a good day and not been working too hard.

I am feeling a little restless so just heading off for a walk to the waterfront.

Hope you can find the time to pop in Matt's Chatroom tomorrow morning between 10 & 11. 

Take care

Stephen x 

Thank you scotty and Stephen for your lovely posts as always. 

Banana Dogg ?? what happened to the name change? I loved the new name but it obviously didn’t grow on you. ? I hope you’re feeling okay today and managed to get out and enjoy the sunshine.

Stephen, thank you for your recent posts and was nice to catch you in chat. I doubt I’ll make tomorrow morning’s chat as I’m in the thick of it at work. I will try to pop into chat soon though. I hope you enjoyed a lovely walk by the river this evening. 

The day is done and now officially on day 90!

Cant believe it’s three whole months already and it’s only one day to payday and I still have money sat in my account. When I think back to the last ten years I think that’s happened maybe, never! So today I’m feeling rather proud of that fact. In the next few months I am planning on starting to save, again something that I have never managed. Now, it seems a possibility. I like this life knowing if I want something from the local shop no matter what day of the month it is that’s it is a possibility. I almost can’t believe what has been achieved in three months in all aspects: reducing my debt, treating myself and my daughter and finding myself again. No stress (except work) which is a new normal for me. I believe some stress is good if it is healthy and drives you in the right direction; that’s what the work stress it for me. It keeps me on my toes and I enjoy the opportunity of being challenged, which is certainly the case at the moment. 

I just want to say thank you to my gamcare friends who have supported and stuck by through the ups and downs. There have been many: Russ, Murlo, Boo, Drama, Scotty and Vinnie to name a few, some who have come and gone but one in particular who I really owe a big thank you to who has been with me on this journey consistently throughout for over the past year, through good and bad for us both, and who will always hold a special place in my heart is the wonderful @stephen-2❤️

Stephen, you are a very special, wonderful soul. Thank you for brightening up my day whenever I visit the forum. 

Lively