Shep's diary

Hi,

Not the best of weeks last week. Part of my recovery is not to take work problems home with me. Stay in control. I made it just! Meetings and more meetings at work meant I missed Tues GA but was well and truely ready for Friday's. Even if it was just for the company of normal people who aren't worried of sharing their problems and concerns. Just wished some people in the work meetings had the same honestly! Anyway I'll move on.

The weekend was good. Not much live sport, never watched a full game of anything! Saturday 3 o'clock I was outside with a tin of Brasso cleaning some brass bits and bats from around the fire place that were look as dark as me during my gambling days. Now a shining example of what can be achieved when you do actually put in the effort. Sadly it is something to reflect on, I've sat in the same room for over four years seeing the brass fade to a dull shade. Why did I do it, why when the 3o'clock live scores were on the box? Because I'm in recovery and I need to put little changes in place. It's so boring watching the live scores ticker update on the bottom of the screen anyway! Gone are the Saturday afternoons sat on the sofa doing FA. The same place I've been down both mentally and financially in the bad old days of gambling. That's why change is so important as well as occupying your time and keeping yourself physically and mentally active. My recovery continues.

All the best.

Good week both family life and work. Not exactly my favourite time of year with the dark mornings and evenings, but hey got to keep positive. Christmas will be on us before we know it, I do like Christmas. Funny with all the good it brings it also used to be probably the only gamble free day of the year!

So this afternoon I'm out on the friends 45th birthday pi$$ up. A good non-gambling crowd, except one guy who I know bets daily. Sometimes the alcohol makes me want to tell my best friends about my recovery but I never do! These days/nights out when gamble free I can honestly say I'm in 100% attendance in body, mind & soul. Gone are the days I was only a presence focused on other things in my life just to feed and continue with my addiction.

Looking forward to the day but not the hang-over tomorrow!

All the best everyone, enjoy the weekend.

Thursday.

All I'm looking forward toat the moment is pay day. In all honestly stopping gambling has made me understand the cost of living more. I work to pay my mortgage and support my family, if there's anything else left at the end of the month it wont be much. There's no-way I could financially support any amount of gambling. When I was depositing £100s a week, sometimes a day, what the hell was I doing!? I/we are not in the real world. I've said it many times, all I was bothered about each month was making my credit card payment and not getting found out, once that was done it was roll-on. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. With Christmas round the corner time to save a few more pennys where possible. Next year I really want to start paying my the debt off more quickly. I've told the wife there may not be a family holiday overseas next year due to that reason. Yes! I feel bad, I feel like I'm punishing my family because of my addiction but I will have to see. At the moment the wife has agreed but that could change! There's also the new windows we require in the house. They could have been fitted by now if it wasn't for the bad old days. Anyway not beating myself up about it. I'm in a good place.

GA tomorrow. Nice kick start to the weekend. Hope the weather is kind and allows me to cut the grass for what maybe the last time this year. Fingers crossed.

On Tuesday watched the England match. Good god there is something missing in that team. No heart, passion or confidence. Money has spoilt the game.

Money can spoil a lot of things and when mixed with other toxins is very dangerous.

Ok, end of lunch and nearly the end of another long working week. Hope everyone is well.

All the best, Shep.

A question often asked on here and at GA is "any thoughts of gambling?"

Hard question to answer! I think as a recovering CG you will always have thoughts of gambling or memories of it. Like last night for example, I was watching the Liverpool v Man U game and in the first 30 minutes a lot of tackles were flying in but the referee wasn't producing any cards. My mind thought about the bookings markets, something I used to bet on. I didn't look at any prices, but I suppose it would have been the next step. Within 10 minutes two bookings then half time. I then took a shower and had no interest at all in the 2nd half. Not a nice feeling to be honest and a little disappointed in myself. But hey the result was the correct one, I'm still gamble free and that's what we aim for everyday.

I'd be interesting to hear people's thoughts on this. May post a new thread on the subject.

All the best.

Monday,

It's been a long weekend for me starting last Thursday. 2 days off work to cover the wife working. Had a work with the youngest two on both days, the latter on the seafront. Yes the kids were on the 2p pushers a maximum £1 (cast your vote) whether right or wrong. I sway to the "wrong" with my GA connection..... but just as my eldest daughter has now moved on from the fun of the seafront.......and is now into make-up, social media and growing up too fast. I love Daddy days for all of the above.

So the 3 of us had a visit to the Fish and Chip shop. WOW how expensive are these nowadays? In the time I've been gamble free I've realised the actual cost of living, even more so for a family of 5, its bl00dy expensive! Two LONG fun days, loved them but glad I work full time. Shows you how tired I was no alcholol Fri or Sat evening just cups of tea!

So Saturday late morning the wife gave me some free time. No live sport, just got into the Westworld series from Sky. Watched 3 back to back episodes. Tea time, carving pumpkins!

So Sunday a bit of a lazy family day. Somehow I promised the girls I would get dressed up for Halloween. A promise is a promise! Trick or treat. Happy Halloween and all the best.

Hi All,

I'm still here for anyone who's missed me! Still gamble free, attending GA and so much looking forward to a family Christmas for all the right reasons.

Been busy and focused on my recovery. Heads in a good place. My GA group has really got into sharing mobile numbers for out of the room support so I've been trying where possible to help members new & old.

Still learning the true cost of everyday life now the wife and I sit down monthly to look a finances. A polite reminder on learning that I couldn't afford to gamble the amounts I did. The loses are in the past but still need paying back, the future is happiness if I stay clean of gambling.

All the best.

Hi shep72,
Another inspirational post.
Just replied to lost 23 post and to be fair I could say the same to you.
Congratulations on your gamble free days, so good to hear you are enjoying them.
All good wishes
Lml

Nice one Shep... have a great Christmas!

Hi,

Christmas Eve. I can confidently say now I will be gamble free this Christmas. This time last year I was a mess, a liar, putting out the kids presents with the wife! Tonight is different feels good and looking forward to tomorrow.

I've not asked for anything, being gamble free is the best thing I could ask for. Even going out for Xmas lunch with the family (a first for me, not cheap but hey can afford it this year).

My heart and soul goes out to the members who are struggling with their recoveries or only just coming to terms with this terrible addiction. If I can do it then anyone can. Again I have to say without GA I would have struggled and probably failed so big thanks to all involved in my local meetings. X

Ok, bedtime. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Kids will be up in around 6 hours.....zzz

All the best.

Nice to hear, i dont have kids so its nice to hear good news stories. Hope you have a good xmas, i have struggled too at xmas but it is possible to beat it.

Enjoy xmas x

Hi All,

I'm still alive and gamble free. Looking forward to next month when (hopefully) I will be 1 year clean. Still a few more days to go, one day at a time where I will tell myself "today I will not gamble".

So life is good. A little quiet at work, so that's the only slight worry at the moment. But in my year of recovery anything negative or bad in life can be a set back or a worry but mix that with a gambling addiction, you've already dug yourself into a deeper hole.

I'm still attending GA which I enjoy immensely, without the group I wouldn't be in the position I am today. I accept meetings aren't everyones cup of tea but don't give up after 2-3 meetings. Learn about the people in that room and the battles they've fought, people who are all there because of the same reason as you and me. Even if you don't speak you will relate to what you hear. For the first few meetings I used to arrive at 7.20 and sit in my car until the 7.30 start time. Now I go straight in and talk about life out of the room with normal people. Being in meeting mode is different from general chit-chat.......

Ok thanks for reading. I know they'll always be people strugging, I know because I've been there and my heart and support goes out to you all. Be strong, keep your mind in control, you're in-charge not the addiction. All the best.

Hi,

Regarding this forum and GA meetings. The question I usually ask myself is what happens to these newbies after submitting a few posts or attending 1-2 meetings?

I know I was at a rock-bottom in my life when I came on here, shortly followed by attending my first GA meeting. Gambling had changed me, I didn't like the person I'd become. If I'd have carried on the damage I had caused in 2015 I'd hate to know my position in life today.

So when GA told me "there's no cure to this illness, you can only arrest it" that took some sinking in. I could have easily thought well I'm here to cure myself so there's no point in coming back! But no, those harsh words through several meetings eventually sunk in. People in the room who were gamble free and doing so well one week to be seen the following week in a right state due to either having thoughts about gambling or even placing a bet. Now I'm a firm believer that "I can only arrest this addiction". I have no intention or need to bet. Life in the last year without gambling started off as a struggle but now I can say life is so much better. That's all I wanted to achieve in my first year so with not long to go now until my personal goal I'm in a good place. I know I will need to set my self milestones to reach in 2017 and will do so and my recovery will continue.

So let me answer the question I asked above. "where do they go"........ I'm sorry to say, most probably back to gambling. Gambling in a way they think they can control. Maybe thinking "well I'm not as bad as those guys on the forum or in that meeting, I can control this thing, I just wont bet." As any self confessed CG will tell you, that's easily said than done. I believe this is part of being in denial. I do worry where these people go, but it's hard for anyone to be dragged to a weekly meeting week fter week. You've got to want to stop, you've got to want to attend, you've got to educate yourself on this terrible addiction. I'm learing all the time and may it continue. In my year I've seen people come back to GA after 2-3 years and say "I feel different this time, I'm ready to stop" so do and sadly some don't. In the end the choice is ours. As CGs our decision making isn't good to say the least, so whatever it takes for us (me) to reach a "rock bottom" or what we believe was the day we placed our last ever bet is sadly a diffent answer to us all but once it arrives make the most of the opportunity, no matter how darker place you are in and start your recovery. That's what I did.

All the best.

I can happily say I am 1 year gamble free! Nice feeling for me and a grat achievement. Yes, I will give myself a tap on the back but on the otherhand remind myself that it was "me" who put myself in this position in the first place. Life is certainly better, I feel better in myself and I now have a clear conscience. Yes, I have debts but these will be paid off and wont cause misery to by life.

Let me say a thanks to this website, it really did help in the early days. The free telephone helpline gave me the first person I could speak to regarding my addiction. The stories on here, the help and support all made me aware I wasn't alone in all of this. Then my GA group, the room as well call it. Real people, real lives, which gave me real hope. I will forever be thankful. No-way do I think I'm cured, I've only arrested this illness and so my recovery will continue.

No way do I watch half the live sport I used to. Watching the Soccer saturday live scores is such a bore now! 2.5 hours of what!

One thing I know now is that any c**P that happens in life is bad but mix that with a gambling addiction, you've already got twice the $h!t.

Even though I'm a man in my mid 40s, I can say I've matured and been educated this year. All important steps in recovery. I wanted to stop gambling, it was my decision to do so, my decision to come clean with the wife. I knew this would mean changes to how I lived my life. The first 3 months were hard. I had days off work where I would go for walks on my own, simply to clear my mind, I'd write down some poems, thrases, most of them a little dark but it was a release. I had the knowledge that a GA meeting wasn't far away. In this period I tried to attend the two meetings a week in my local group. Now 1 year on, I'm once a week but the extra meeting is always there if I ever needed it. It does get easier but treat every day as a challenge to remain gamble free. One day at a time.

So where does this recovery path take me now? Anywhere I wish, I'm in control now of my life, I must keep strong. I know I could falter, your next bet is never far away, physically and mentally, but one year ago it was a lot closer than it is now. I'm enjoying the life I should be living. I'm a somebody now, not just a body who was a presence not really listening or paying full attention because my mind set was mainly occupied on my addiction. I do actually go out now and enjoy myself! I enjoy chit-chat, banter and a bloody good time. Like I've already said one day at a time. I now enjoy turning off the bedroom light!

So life does go on but more importantly so does my recovery.

All the best.

Great post shep.
And congratulations on your first year bet free

Deano

Welcome to the 3% club Shep 🙂

Lovely to read a post about the virtues of the room rather than from people (like I was) who are adamant that it isn't for them.

Recovery is in our hands - ODAAT