Shep's diary

It's not the drug it's another website called c rack.

Good to read your doing well keep it up bud

Hi All,

Wow not posted for a week but hey been in a good place. Had the week off work to spend with the wife and kids. Nice to buy my eldest two some nice clothes as a little treat.

So I'm back to wrk tomorrow, must keep stress levels down and in control!

Still managed to do my GA meeting last Friday. Always a good way to start the weekend.

So now to bed. Good night all.

Shep.

Wednesday.

Really enjoyed my GA meeting last night. 3 new faces all with different backgrounds, lifestyles etc but with a common story to be told. I sat listened and hopefully offered some good advice. With all new members I always hope they return, if we don't see them again it does annoy me but I must move on, along with the group in recovery.

When a new member spoke about gambling as "his best friend" are they really ready to stop? Have they reached the "rock bottom" in their lives where they no something must change before it is definately too late? I have to answer "NO" to both. Like I said last night if someone had told me last year "you have a gambling problem" I'd have most probably laughed, even though they were speaking the truth. So at this time in my life I enjoyed betting, I wouldn't say "gambling was my best friend" as no best friend would take you on the emotional rollercoaster that comes with the addiction. Gambling to me was a part of my everyday life, something that was ruining my life and therefore something I needed to address.

I'm a strong minded person but somehow I let gambling beat me. Probably so strong minded that I thought I could eventually beat this addiction without the help of anyone. God, how wrong was I !!! Making a New's Years resolution at the end of 2015 to never to gamble again, I thought that's it, the promise to myself must have lasted 3-4 days. Then I was back to my old ways, probably worse than ever. Was this "worse than ever" because I knew I'd failed myself, again I believe so, again gambling had beat me. So by the end of January I was "rock botton" I needed help, this web-site proved I wasn't alone out there. Coming clean with the wife and finding GA moved me forward to a new, happier chapter in my life. Now some 7 months down the line (still early days) my recovery is going well, my strong mindedness helps me focus on the things I want in life and ignore the things I don't. For me now gambling is a foe, a dirty greed infested industry, preying and feeding from addicts like us. They need us, so in recovery we must learn we don't need them.

All the best. Shep.

Really enjoy reading your post ms Shep you remind me of men lol. Embracing recovery and enjoy the journey.

JFT KTF

Thanks for your kind words Oldham. Very much appreciated.

I remember one conversation where a GA member basically said anyone who hasn't been to a meeting for a while is most certainly back gambling. I sat there silently, more or less agreeing to him. It was only in the break did I hear another member disagreeing in disgust. In the second part of the meeting this guy spoke out about his annoyance on what had been said, at first I didn't agree with his concerns but now to me it makes sense. He said when he was gambling he was out of control, gambling for whatever reason. However, now he's in recovery he is in control of his actions, he makes the decision not to gamble no matter how hard it is, he makes the decision not to give into the urge to gamble, he's in control. So if he doesn't attend a meeting for a few months no-way should he be accused of gambling! (This guy was over two years gamble free). I totally agree........

I know we are all different and how the human brain works is a complex matter. So what I take from this is WE need to be strong during our recovery (strong in which-ever way you chose), you've got to be focused on not wanting to gamble, and of course you've got to in control of yourself and the actions you make.

For example, I have a works smart phone, in the past I gambled on it. Funny enough it's blocked to adult and gambling sites on mobile networks but not when connected on WIFI. So the barrier I put in place are what I call the “5 steps to ruining my life”.

1, Open a betting site, 2 Register a new account, 3 Register a debit/credit card from a joint account with the wife, 4 Actually pick a bet out, 5 Place the wager.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT ISN’T WORTH CONSIDERING!

I’m quite happy to say I have never even got past step 2. Step 1 has occurred when I’ve accidentally clicked on an advert in whatever app I’ve been using. The above may sound crazy to some folk but it works for me. Like I’ve said we are all different!

Thanks for reading. All the best. Shep

Managed to get a couple of things from my mind onto my diary yesterday. I was in a good place, free flowing, don't really know where it all came from. Maybe the trigger of the "newbie" at GA saying "gambling was his best friend" was the reason? So you won't be hearing from me for the rest of week, having a weekend away with the wife and girls. Celebrate the kids going back to school and the end of summer!

All the best everyone.

Sunday,

Away with friends and family this weekend.The other dads and I all managed to watch the Manchester derby, which I throughly enjoyed being a neutral. Before the game I was saying that Man City would win as I hadn't thought Utd had played a decent team yet this season, plus they were very lucky at Hull. Full time, best team won, It's always nice to see Man U beat at Old Trafford. In the second half I said to my friend "Wayne Rooney will be the next to get booked." Not soon after there it was, yellow card Rooney!....

So the two predictions I made on the match were correct. I'd like to believe these were just figures of speech and not my gambling mind getting into gear.....

Recovery continues...

All the best.

I'm fine. The answer I'm considering and favouring is in recovery most CG's always have the "reckon this will happen" instinct? (The word reckon chosen like I do nowadays to replace b_t"

I believe so, just like a joe blogs football fan will say " we will win today, and "he" will score".

Such thoughts should be considered as "normal" especially if no wager is placed. Of course thinking such outcomes could source a weakness if proven correct. Again all tests of mental strength in recovery. We must advance forward knowing we are in charge of our own actions.

All the best.

Hi All,

Managed to watch the Panorama program on FOBTs, some shocking information really. Then the association of bookmakers refusing to speak to the presenter who had lost her husband due to an addiction to these machines, totally unacceptable! Guilty conscience if you ask me. Poor woman you could almost feel her pain and upset throughout the program. Then some of the stupid facts and figures provided, all defending a greedy and uncaring industry! Hats off the ex-chairman of ***** who spoke out against these machines.

Missed my GA meeting last night, had to do a "free" job for close family! Will attend Friday without fail. Great way to start the weekend with a clear mind.

Ok, one of my replies to a certain individual caused the "admin" to post a reply. I'll say sorry to any other members apart from whom it was pointed at if I caused any offence. Thanks for CW for her defence on the matter. I know this forum is about support amongst fellow CGs and also their close family members looking for advice. We must stay united and let the "admin" decide on who's for real and in need of help.

All the best.

Hi All,

Where does time go!? Okay 5 mins before the end of my lunch.........

Kick started my weekend with a Friday night GA meeting. Some good conversation.

Saturday cut the grass and used the strimmer. The end of the summer is here but I reckon a couple more cuts yet. Wentout to see a couple of great live local bands Saturday night with a good (non-gambler) friend. He drinks a bit faster than me so that was a problem.

Sunday, nice to wake without a hang-over. Bonus the sun was shining, so a lovely day out with the wife and girls.

Never watched one live football match all weekend. (Pat on the back there!)

Work Monday, a little loom and gloom around the quiet factory. Need some orders to come in. However I'm busy.

Now Tuesday. GA tonight, looking forward to seeing the Tuesday members. Hoping for a good meeting with a little bit of everything.

All the best.

Hi All,

Ok I commented earlier today on a thread about relapses in the newbie section. Then just after work I picked a random diary and began reading from the opening post. This particular member was back after relapsing for at least the second time. Certain members were should I say caring, others were say a little harder. The poster didn't like the harsh comments.

So the question I asked myself is how would I want the response to be from my fellow CGs? My answer is below:

Firstly I never want a relapse so I could be stupid in asking the question in the first place, but then again when anyone stops gambling won't be thinking of when their next bet is going to happen! So a relapse can happen to anyone, that includes me. So my action in the self pity and depressed state I would find myself would be to tell and appologise to the wife first, then get to my nearest GA meeting (also update this forum on my actions). I would accept all the criticism thown at me and any words of support. I would expect the criticism as I had f****d up, my marriage could be over so why would I not expect these words. Maybe other members had gone through a relapse and then gone on to lose everything, so they no well how stupid my actions had been. They'll always be kind words and a shoulder to cry on but it's a little late when the bullit has been fired.

Therefore my recovery is keeping in control of my actions and focusing on not wanting to gamble but also realising if I did the consequences I must face.

All the best.....got my 1 hour drive to GA meeting now!

Enjoy your meeting shep
All the best

Morning All,

Not a bad week. Recovery is good. There's a problem with my pension at work where my employer's contribution hasn't been the amount promised for over 10 years. Not got a figure but it's around £5k. Hopefully it's something that may get sorted. However there is no way I will let it stress me out and make me think about gambling and trying to win back the funds. One of life's downers, but mix it with gambling it will definately be worse.

I posted last night something that may be reported as abusive but a certain individual on this forum really gets to me and I worry other members who are not that strong or in the early days or recovery may get effected reading such $h!te. I must point out this individual has been offered great words of support, however many more have washed their hands. I'm now in this group.

So Saturday. Not much planned this weekend. Kids dad taxi service this morning to clubs then hopefully watch Man U v Leciester with my Man U friend (hopefully to take the Pi$$ again).

Tomorrow a good family walk or bike ride to clear the lungs. Since kids have gone back to school we've all got blocked noses and some coughs!

All the best all, have great weekends.

Morning Shep, really associate with your recent posts.

I don't ever want to suffer the backlash of a relapse & will do everything I can to ensure that never happens but I can't figure out a one size fits all answer. Some people seem to use gambling as a punishment & it reinforces their feelings of worthlessness when they relapse, others want a 'there there'. The things I have concluded are that the door that allowed it (thanks Duncs) must be firmly closed & abstaining is not recovery.

The pension is out of your control as are changes to mine, hopefully yours will be resolved but regardless, gambling isn't going to fix them!

I too have an issue with the poster that is upsetting you, harping back to a letter that is hidden in one of the many threads but it's not our job to expose the trolls. There will always be posts & diaries on here that are damaging to old & new alike, it is our responsibility to take what we need & discard the rest. Ultimately, the only person we can control is us.

Go Leicester & hope the weather is kind to you Sunday.

Keep enjoying recovery - ODAAT

Hi All,

Just posted the following reply on a thread on the forum. Think it works well in my diary as I know it was written from the heart!

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Having to Stop: Sorry, but there's no such thing for a compulsive gambler of having to stop and then sticking with the plan. We can't stop because we cannot control our gambling.

Wanting to Stop: Now this is a little different. We've all probably have said to ourselves "I'm going to stop gambling for a while" but sadly we cannnot, as again we cannot control our gambling. Is this wanting? I don't think so, we're are only kidding ourselves. Sooner or later we are back to it. The old saying "I want never gets" is totally true when you just say to yourself you just "want to stop" a gambling addiciton. Does this mean "for a bit" or "until I have more funds" or even "when I return I wont bet as much"?? There's a hell of a lot more hard work than just the stopping bit, however it is a must sewn seed to start the recovery.

At the end of last year when I'd racked up thousands of pounds of debt and I made my disasterous New Years Resolution. You could say I was in a position of "having to stop" and also "wanting to stop". Did I succeed in either? NO..... Why? Because I couldn't control my gambling, it's not as easy as that. Another good old phrase "Easier said than done" comes to mind.

I hit it hard again in January, reaching my "rock bottom" at the end of January. It was time to face my addiction, I had to stand-up and make a stance, make some decisons in my life of how and why I had lost control. Addressing these problems or obstacles was the start of my recovery. I didn't need gambling in my life, it was my pit-fall, my easy escape from reality. So my mindset is focussed on not only stopping gambling but not even needing to. In the end my addiction didn't bring me happiness it was just a fix. Non gamblers will never understand this but I know some fellow addicts will.

All the best.