A Sense of Direction

New Territory. 

I'm treading ground I haven't walked before. I am 70 days gamble free. This is great for me. It fills me with a confidence. I hesitate and want to confirm I am absolutely not complacent. Talking about playing games yesterday with that nurse was a big trigger. It reminded me of what I'm missing but I challenge them thoughts as they pop up (like Boo taught me to do). 

What I am actually gonna find if I do it is more debt and having to work more jobs forever and a day. I am pleased to be in recovery. It's just tough to remember when the wobbles come. 

I'm a bit emotional about struggling to get someone to be my family/friends at the first session of the course that I may or may not go on. It's sad to think I don't have a tight support group and I'm realising that I prolly never have had that. I am a fierce friend for anyone in my social group but people seem to take what they want and then move on from me. I am determined to get strong enough to look after myself again. 

I've been homeless me before. I've slept rough which is proper dangerous for a lass and you have to have your wits about you to keep out of danger. I don't want to be that hard again but I wish I could remember how tough i was then and like dig into that energy to get over this weakness I have developed. 

I dunno where I'm going with this post. I'm just thinking out loud. 

D. x

One determined lady... ???

You're amazing drama 

Boo ???

Hi Drama

It was good to see you in chat earlier. I hope being on the Charline helps this evening. 

I very much related to your comments about having a tight network and friendships. I am very much the same, one of the most loyal, fierce friends someone could have and there no matter what but I came to realise it was one sided and that others aren’t the same. When you hit hard times that when you truly know, needless to say I no longer have any friends as I think it’s difficult to find people the same as us. 

You are a fighter and very much loved on this forum - remember that x

Sending hugs 

Lonely

Saturday. 

I got up early for work. Me and Hubby had a falling out cos I was meant to set off at 6 to get to work for 7 but I struggled cos I got wasted last night and didn't get to bed till late. I set off at 7 and got to work for 8. 

I worked till 2. 6 hours double bubble. I was miffed that this time on my weekend was to pay Hubby's credit card and he was snarky with me this morning. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my work today. I was working for another team cos of their work position. Not my normal job but I get to communicate with real people and do stuff that helps them. I can't talk about work really cos it's not allowed but what I will say is I talked to an old boy that was really vulnerable and I gave him all the time in the world to chat about whatever he needed and I made him really happy. This meant the world to me. This chap prolly hasn't spoken with anybody in ages and been heard but I really listened and offered him some support and he was ever so grateful. Made me feel like I have a purpose. 

I watched the Football this aft. It sucked. 

I went on chat tonight but wasn't feeling it. Nowt against anyone there. I just felt bad for talking about stuff and so I disappeared and went on netline. I felt better for having a one to one sesh. 

Sometimes it's just about getting it all out. 

I promise I don't wanna gamble at all but I know if I don't say what is going on in my brain then I will gamble. I just will. Cos i will feel like what's the point and just do it. I've come so far and I don't wanna go back. 

Oh, after work I stopped at a cashpoint next to my fave charity shop and I was so focussed on going in the shop that I checked my balance, asked for £20 but didn't get it. I just took my card and went next door. 

I had to tell Hubby what I did and he's put a claim in with the bank. I reckon someone prolly got my £20 cos it was so busy. 

Hubby was gonna tell the bank he went to the cashpoint cos he doesn't want them to know I know his pin but I said they have CCTV so they will know. Please don't lie. I am glad that he believes me that I just had a moment and didn't s***k the £20 on gambling. It's easy for him to believe cos I don't real world gamble, just online. 

I was way in bother for forgetting to take the £20 but I refuse to feel guilty when I just worked on my weekend to pay off his card. 

I still feel really low about not having someone to come to that friends/family thing. 

I wish the clinic didn't want me to have that cos I never had that. I prolly wouldn't be where I am if I had that. It's driving me nuts. It's making me remember times when I was strong but shouldn't have been. It's wierd. Cos I am nowhere near as vulnerable as I was but I feel it now. 

I wish I could explain myself better. 

I am struggling to process this stuff but I will not gamble. Even though it's super embarrassing to be weak, i am glad I chatted that lassie on the helpline. 

I will not gamble. 

D. 

Oh and it's my Dad's birthday today. I phoned but he didn't want me to visit. 

Oh drama.. You had your eye taken off the ball at the cash point.. I did it once years back rushing.... ?Its annoying to say the least 

I hope your issue with the clinic resolves soon.. I know you won't gamble but we associate it with something  to lean on At stressful times so revert to form.. Or we did.. Not now.. You are in a good place..

It was lovely to see my message on my diary this morning from murlo.. 

So another day over here done and another gf 

Take care. Night n bless boo ???

Slept for 9 hours. Didnt wake up once. Feels great! 

I am very happy that you got a good night’s kip sweetheart ?

Sunday. 

I stayed in bed all morning. Could've gone to Church cos I was up early enough but I was that side out so I didn't. I watched Netflix on telly. Didn't really enjoy it. 

I had a bath. A nice long soak and felt better for it. 

I was gonna put on a cute outfit but I tried some stuff on and my belly looks fat cos I've drunk too much this last week. So I need to knock it on the head cos looking cute in cute outfits is more important to me than getting wellied. I am blessed with a fast metabolism so if I calm it this week and eat some salads and that, I'll be back to my normal paunch and able to wear what I want. 

Still a little miffed that Dad didn't want me to visit. It's the same every year so I dunno why I bother getting upset. I'm allowed to visit on Mum's birthday, Mothers Day, when Mum wants me to take her shopping, my Birthday and Christmas. That's it. I should just not bother really. 

Still a bit anxious about the group thing but I've decided to park it cos it hasn't even happened yet so why bother stressing about it? That's a great feeling like it's not today so I don't need to think about it. 

I did my two cleaning jobs that I didn't do Friday night.  

I took the dog to the park. 

I went to the supermarket this aft and I've done Hubby some Liver and Bacon. He's a happy bunny and off to bed early. 

That is all. 

Drama. x

I feel like I am gonna do the thing. I feel braver than I ever have. They don't want me. They can pretend they miss me. I look forward to it. I believe I will get to watch. I will get that at the very least. 

Hope you are ok Drama.

You are a massive part of my recovery and I will always be grateful for that.

Take good care of yourself. You are very precious and much loved by your gamcare friends.

Stephen x 

Hi Drama

It was good to see you in chat tonight. I hope you’re okay and staying strong. Your last post seemed rather cryptic so couldn’t quite work it out but hope you’re staying strong. 

Just remember you are loved by your gamcare friends. Sending hugs and hope your start to the week goes okay without too many bumps in the road. 

Lonely x

Dear DramaLlama,

I’m concerned by your most recent diary post. I can only guess at what your true meaning is. I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re not wanted. I echo what your fellow forum members have said above, you are loved and valued by the people on this forum. There are people who do want you and would sorely miss you.

We are here to support you when you need. Please reach out anytime on the Netline or the Helpline, our advisers are always here to talk through how you’re feeling and help you find a way forward.

You are so strong. I’m glad you continue to talk about how you’re feeling and reach out to people when you’re low. I sincerely hope that the difficult feelings you are struggling with are eased very soon.

Warmest regards,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Hello drama.... You're doing great. Everyone here loves you. Your diaries are the best. 

Speak soon.. 

Boo ???

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Boo ?