The Devils Payroll

Why do you feel the need to be so in control of your emotions.

Your right we are here to be encouraged and give support to each other.

So why are you determined to not allow your self to feel???

Just because you are selfish dosent mean that we are and we will keep on supporting and encourageing you.

Do you see it as some form of weakness asking for help??It dosent matter how strong you think you are we all need to ask for help from time to time.

Exx

"Why do you feel the need to be so in control of your emotions."

"So why are you determined to not allow your self to feel???"

This has always been an issue for me. I rarely get emotional. I am 36 and have never been in love, or maybe I have just not allowed myself open to that kind of emotion.

Something happened today that should of prompted some kind of emotional response but again nothing, I mean this was something truly awful that would most likely upset and really hurt most people. I just don't allow feelings to surface for whatever reason.

No surprises what I use gambling for. Saying that I just can't bring myself to gamble tonight. Something else has to give.

I think you need to start getting those emotions up to the surface and you would probably need some sort of help to do that.

If you dont start tuning into these feelings youve buried your going to struggle to kick this addiction.

I always feel im quite harsh when i post to you but i also get the feeling it dosent bother you.

But you didnt gamble today so thats a step in the right direction.

Ex

Hello Robf, glad you've decided to hang around at least for now. We're all fairly unique so entirely up to you whether you want to post, support, ignore.. whatever!

We're all faceless cyberdoods and worth a try in unleashing some deep lying thoughts and figure out whether these diary's are for you or continue in your pattern( make sense )

Anyways quite enjoy you're posts and if anything even if selfish i'm getting something out of it!

Something about my last post bothered me and it kept eating away at me and I just worked it out.

I AM 35 NOT 36. Would like that year back please.

Elizabeth your comments have been helpful, wow big shock I have to revise my previous stance on this diary.

Paul if you get anything from this diary, well words fail me but, um, thats nice.

Thanks 🙂

I am not going to be scared anymore. Scared of where this diary or my thoughts might take me. I am ready now. I want change. I want something more in my life that's been so lacking for so long its made me so unhappy. Enough.

Wanted to share this poem by Charles Bukowski:

old grey-haired waitresses

in cafes at night

have given it up,

and as I walk down sidewalks of

light and look into windows

of nursing homes

I can see that it is no longer

with them.

I see people sitting on park benches

and I can see by the way they

sit and look

that it is gone.

I see people driving cars

and I see by the way

they drive their cars

that they neither love nor are

loved-

nor do they consider

s*x. it is all forgotten

like an old movie.

I see people in department stores and

supermarkets

walking down aisles

buying things

and I can see by the way their clothing

fits them and by the way they walk

and by their faces and their eyes

that they care for nothing

and that nothing cares

for them.

I can see a hundred people a day

who have given up

entirely.

if I go to a racetrack

or a sporting event

I can see thousands

that feel for nothing or

no one

and get no feeling

back.

everywhere I see those who

crave nothing but

food,shelter, and

clothing; they concentraate

on that

dreamlessly.

I do not understand why these people do not

vanish

I do not understand why these people do not

expire

why the clouds

do not murder them

or why the dogs

do not murder them

or why the flowers and the children

do not murder them,

I do not understand

I suppose they are murdered

yet I can't adjust to the

fact of them

because they are so

many.

each day

each night,

there are more of them

in the subways and

in the buildings and

in the parks

they feel no terror

at not loving

or at not

being loved

so many many many

of my fellow

creatures.

--Charles Bukowski

"So it"s always a process of letting go..one way or another".............."What matters most is how well you walk through the fire"

Charles Bukowski.

Keep posting Robf...keep wanting that change...

Walking through fire would be more than welcome at the moment, feel like I am walking through treacle at the moment.

Been thinking about telling my parents about my gambling more, they have known I have had issues and think I have everything cracked and don't know its never really gone away and is still a big issue. I know it never feels like a good time but it really isn't. The timing would be wrong to land this on them at the moment due to a family bereavement, my mum especially is heartbroken and I need to try and be strong and supportive for once.

In the meantime I Will need to come here and try and unload. I did used to go to GA meetings and its something I am really considering taking up again. I really didn't enjoy the last few meeting I went to but that was nearly two years ago, likely to have a lot of new faces so it could be totally different. Worst case is I hate it again but its only two hours out of my week. I find it hard to let go and get my feelings out, meetings are one of the few times I have managed to do that. Bit of a no brainer really. Next one in my area is tomorrow.

It is scary to face feelings youve buried deep there was a reason you did that but sometimes you have to drag them back up and deal with them,once you start doing that they cant hurt you anymore.

Im pleased you are still posting and if you feel you cant tell anyone else at the moment then we can try and support you as best we can.

Best wishes.

Ex

keep unloading on here Rob until the timing is better at home..im getting good support from my recovery meeting...sometimes some new members can alter the dynamics a bit. keep posting ..better out than in ...Rach n Dot

Thanks Elizabeth and Dotty, appreciate you being around and posting on my diary, it helps. Feel embarrassed about the previous comments I made about this place doesn't help and I don't get anything. I think it was just me putting up walls and trying to keep people out and at a distance. Trying to chip away at them, not going to be an overnight process but I am in this for the long haul.

don't worry Rob..I sometimes look back at my posts from 4 months ago and cringe at how angry I was..I was going to delete them but its a good reminder for me to see how far I have come by just getting stuff out on here.

Talk about "moving in mysterious ways"...I got on here to rant about my bloke being a CG who wont admit and find out about the compulsion..... 4 months down the line we have split up,on my diary most of my support comes from people in recovery (plus some great supporters) and i myself attend 12 step meetings because I have been using alcohol to surpress anger....!!! ...just goes to show you never know whats round the corner...keep posting Rob...taking those bricks down in your own time....Rach and Dot (Dots my dog )

Dont ever apologise or be embarrassed about what you write on your diary.its your diary and you put down whatever you feel or dont feel as the case may be.Mines full of waffle and things i should probably keep to myself.lol.

Dosent matter how long it takes for the wall to come down if your not used to writing/talking about how you feel it can be very uncomfortable.As dotty says one brick at a time.

Your doing just fine :0)

Stay Strong and be positive.

Ex

Not posted for a few days.

A couple of days ago at work I broke down and cried. It was all brought on by a woman who was having problems with her laptop and a combination of frustration at the wonders of modern technology and personal circumstances with her dad upset her, this in turn upset me. I quickly found shelter in the toilets. Couldn't face anyone see me cry. Strange how emotion can sneak up on you, my Grandma passed away last Friday and I have seen my mum and family so upset but I haven't let out any emotion but this one scene leaves me a wreck.

I haven't told anyone at work of my family bereavement which is just plain stupid thinking about it now, I have just booked the day of the funeral as a holiday.

Far as thoughts of gambling they have been few and far between. With a combination of Christmas and a gambling binge as the lump of coal in my stocking I am low on cash. The thought crossed my mind to go win some. HA as if that would work, I batted that idiotic thought away. Will just have to make do with what I have got. Simply I will not have money worries if I don't gamble, I will have all the money I need.

I am starting to formulate plans again, my current situation is I am living with parents. Been with them for the past year and a half, originally this was a combination of my relationship breaking down and trying to pay off debts. I setup a debt management last year and have been paying every month and if I just met the minimum payment I have setup will have all my debt cleared next year. I reckon if I didn't gamble last year it would be close to paid off because I have a fair amount of spare cash after the little outgoings I pay out. I could be looking forward to moving out this year into my own place. That was the original plan.

I shouldn't get too hooked up with what I should of and could of done. Just need to look ahead. First I need to get through my next payday.

Hi Rob...an emotional week for you and am so glad you have posted your thoughts and feelings on here so honestly.

Please accept my condolences on the bereavement of your grandmother and i'm sure your family are busy with all the planning etc.It is ok for you to feel upset and let it out and your diary is a safe way to get it all out to people who understand all things human.

Great news on not gambling despite having an urge and also in looking to your future..its great to have goals and you seem to have put a lot in place to clear debt....remember to take time out to smell the flowers too as they say....

I noticed you like poetry...I too am greatly comforted by things artistic and creative and in times of stress I retreat into books,film,music and the arts ..i love anything that expresses the human condition in a better way than I can...take care Rob...your doing great.I understand you will feel you have to keep it all together with your parents this week but if you need to..just post on here anything you feel or think..i shall be looking out for you ...take care ...Rach and Dotty