Hello,
Here is my story........
I am a 25 year old female who has been gmabling for 7 years in total but only for big money in the last 4 years. I am absolutely fixated on online slots. It started of on bingo but then quickly progressed to slots, spinning £10 a go (mad i know).. after sometimes 30 secs I have spent £100, its just crazy.
I don't have any savings but have maxed out my credit cards and a loan - total debt of about £4500. As soon as I get money in my bank account I spend it, like it was never there.
I have a 7 year old boy and a husband of 3 years - these were meant to be the happiest days, having children and getting married. Well this is not the case, it has all been clouded by gambling. I am constantly making the wrong decisions. I blame my husband all the time when I know I shouldn't, it's not his fault, these are my decisions, I am deciding to deposit money. He gets awful mad and, i think every door in my house has at least one hole in it. We have had tough times, he cannot conceive naturally (my 7 year old is from a previous relationship) due to type 1 diabetes so we have had to do IVF which cost £5000 (his parents paid for this) - this failed and of course I was an emotional wreck as was he. I will never be able to afford a 2nd go. I can't imagine being able to save £4k for the next go.
Anyway, there is a bit of history but today is about moving forward and accepting that I am making terrible decisions that are having a huge effect on my family. I am ready to fight this, I can be a good person and I can give all my attention to my little boy and husband. I am writing this but I don't know if I believe it. One minute I feel positive and the next I feel so down. I wish I had someone to speak to that understood what it feels like, someone who can tell me I am not going crazy and someone else feels what I am feeling. I can't even write on this forum just now without crying.
If you have read this then I thank you. I will continue to write everyday as I will continue to need routine.
Much love and support, Silver x
Hi Silverlining, welcome back. I read your story and can really relate to the addiction of online slots...it's like the money isn't real...until you look at your bank balance! When I first started this journey to become gf like you one minute I feel positive, the next I wanted to curl up under my covers and hide from everything! However, 39 days gf and I can absolutely say with pride for the first time in years and years, I feel good! I have money in my pocket and that's the strange thing, I wouldn't ever dream of going into a bookies and betting that money, but online it's too easy online. You really can have the life you want, but it is going to take patience and hard work. You've managed it before and you can do it again. I've chosen that I no longer want a life of, stress, money worries, sleepless nights, lying, missing out on things because I can afford, being in debt, walking around shamed with my head down, being selfish and not considering anyone else etc all the things that come with gambling. I don't want to live like that anymore and because I've made that choice, it's given me more strength to fight for it. I've now got dates booked in my diary with friends and I will not cancel because I will be able to afford, I'm looking forward to Christmas because i want to make special memories with the ones I love. I can make this Xmas amazing and I will! I have plans/goals for the future that I will meet, it might take years to meet them, but I'll get there. All these things I never once did condsidered when gambling because I came the complete opposite person than I am, selfish, grumpy, tired, boring, recluse! I now make sure I do at least one thing for one person a day, even if it's make them a cup of tea, silly as its sounds I never even thought about making my mum a bru because I was so wrapped up in myself and I'm disgusted in myself for becoming that person, so only I can make it right and I will. I've lost a lot of time over the years and I'm determined to make up for it. Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to check in with you and let you know I'm here with you all the way. All the best, keep writing in. You can have the life you want! C x
Hi Charley, thank you very much for your post. I felt like I wanted to go on the hunt for free spins so thought I would come on here instead and your words have given me the drive to get through another few hours. I am so ready for change but I just don't believe I will do it but I hope as the days stack up my belief will increase. I am the same, I would never ever go in the bookies and hand over real cash. These online sites are so dangerous for someone like me and unfortunately to many more. My poor husband never has any money because he is always bailing me out of a online binge. I will take one day as it comes and I have put a big fat 1 on the fridge for day one.. I will keep banking the days and hopefully be bursting with pride in a weeks time. Thank you for supporting me and very well done on being GF for so long.. 1 day feels like a week just now... especially as I am on holiday at the moment - roll on back to work for normality and routine xx
Hey silver, glad to see you started a diary. Have you contacted Gamecare? They can give free counselling and give advice on how to put barriers in place to stop gambling
Well it's that time of night again where the urges hit me hard, I want to have a cuppa and a cigarette and get those reels spinning, if I am winning I am happy to chat with hubby but if I am losing I am bad tempered and no fun what so ever to be around. Tonight is different, hubby is watching the sport and I am on here, although I did get the usual 'what are you doing on the laptop' which actually really annoys me and makes me angry but I can't blame him for having no trust in me... The gambling has made me love him a little less and I HATE that.. He only wants the best for our wee family. I feel really lonely almost every night even in a room full of people, I can't even explain it, I just feel like I don't 'belong' here sometimes, but I remember that feeling as a child aswell so that's not from the gambling.
Thanks Stephen, I will keep having a read of your diary and see how your days have been. This is going to be one hell of a ride, but I am buckled in and ready to go!
Just had a look to see about the one to one counselling service that Gamcare offer, it seems that people in the North of Scoltand don't have gambling addictions... frustrating that there is no service available to me. I don't want to go to the GP and be referred as it will be on my medical notes forever, it will certainly have an impact on whether we could ever have IVF on the NHS if the guidlelines change. I really want help but on a one to one basis, are there private companies who offer this and is it expensive? I might try and google it for a look.....
Well day 2 is nearly over... Kept myself and mu wee one busy today, just sat down but my mind has been wandering alot today even when I was out. My husband gets paid tomorrow so we are going xmas shopping. What usually happens is I spend loads of money when we go out shopping whether it's on food or some new clothes or just stuff for my wee boy but when I get home I will site down have dinner and then pester his for money. I so want tomorrow to be different! I want to go out for the day. come home and sit and chill with the TV on... I wonder if this happens?.. That is tomorrow's goal though. For today, I am going to make sure I am in bed nice and early and watch a film with my little boy (hubby does nightshift)... this is the plan anyway!. So on the whole, not much to report today, no gambling but urges are still full force 🙁 Oh I did self refer myself to a service for addictions, they are done on priority though so doubt I will get the help I need soon as I am sure they will see people with alcohol or drug addictions first, but here is hoping I hear back from them soon :o)
Nice to chat to you earlier Silver, feel I have found a couple of friends/colleagues on here in you and Tommy. had to browse a bit to find your diary, you should post more often!
Keep up the good work you are doing so well.
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