The hardest confession

A good day for me, I have been happy, smiley, and have even had a spring in my step!

With each passing day since my last bet I feel better, which can only be a good thing.

I feel very proud of my wife and child right now for their achievements over the weekend, to be so undistracted by gambling that I can actually recognise this feeling is an absolute gift!

Other than Monday being the start of the working week, it was often the day that I bemoaned my weekend gambling exploits and set a plan in motion to recoup my losses, study this, study that, check the form book etc, all of this whilst trying to work and provide for a family, no wonder we feel a lot less stressed when we give up!

This week is also the week when I will break my GF record, come midnight on Wednesday I will have gone 40 days without gambling, a small achievement in comparison to some, but for me I consider it MASSIVE! I look forward to waking up on Thursday morning knowing I’ve made another step on my journey, and will then focus on going another 40 days.

I have zero urges to gamble, and am starting to enjoy every single day of my life right now, funny how it’s not necessarily about what you take up to enhance your life, but what you give up.

Kram

Day 38 GF

I feel quite tired today, I really shouldn’t as work has been easy so far this week, perhaps my weekend exploits are catching up with me?

Gambling feels as if it is slowly becoming part of my past, without allowing my recovery to become my personality, I think this is important in recovery, we can consider ourselves addicts in recovery for the rest of our lives, but we needn’t let our recovery interfere, but enhance our lives.

This afternoon and evening has been daddy and daughter time, as much as I love my wife I really enjoy time alone with my lil girl, I find myself a bit nervous as tonight I am putting her to sleep in her big girl bed on my own for the first time.

When I have time with my daughter it helps to remind me of what I was, in the same scenario I would perhaps spend the evening watching and betting on horse races, and ultimately losing, but now I embrace and enjoy every moment we have.

If you are reading this and are fairly new to the GF lifestyle I hope you can see that eventually you start to reap the rewards, by giving up gambling you lose absolutely NOTHING! Don’t kid yourself by thinking you do!

My journey has been filled with ups and downs so far, but being GF has allowed me to deal with my troubles in a calm and controlled manner, and once I overcame the first two weeks the light at the end of the tunnel just gets brighter and brighter with each passing day.

Not sure if I will make chat tonight, and definitely won’t tomorrow, but I wish you all a wonderful Wednesday!

Stay safe

Kram

A new PB

Today marks 40 days GF for me, my previous best was 39, which I achieved all by myself.

So I’m asking myself what is the difference between this time and the last, many things!

Joining gamcare was literally a life changing decision, through their various support platforms I built up the confidence to first of all tell my father and then my wife, this in hand was another life changing decision.

Telling my wife was a horrible experience for me, but stood me in good stead for everything that was to follow, and is still yet to come, I gave her the option many times to leave me, taking our child with her, stating that I would understand entirely.

I know I’ve said it many times on my diary, but she did the exact opposite, pulled me closer, loved me more, and has now become the glue in our marriage. For this I will be eternally grateful.

After confessing all to my wife I installed Gamban on both my phone and tablet, and joined the SENSE self exclusion programme, I am also banned from my 2 nearest bookmakers.

Shortly after this I started reading the Alan Carr self help book, which I feel has made the biggest difference to my recovery, I won’t go into why, as I do that enough on group chat, but do t be afraid to try it, it’s £5 after all, a small cost for something which could contribute to saving you lots more during the course of your recovery.

Writing diary posts regularly is a great way to get thoughts out of your head, and even though what you write may seem odd, poorly written or appear to make no sense whatsoever, it could be the difference between reaching out to someone and not. It’s also very nice when you pick up the odd compliment or words of encouragement and guidance along the way.

Reading and commenting on other people’s diaries is also very rewarding, and really helps you to realise that you are not alone, as well as giving you ideas for how to approach your own recovery.

I have been advised to read back through my diary to get an idea of just how much I have achieved, I shan’t be doing that just yet, purely because I know it will upset me, but will certainly do it at some point during my recovery.

One last thing that is different to last time is that I attended my counselling assessment and will be starting my sessions next Wednesday, I am every bit as nervous as I am excited about these sessions, but know that I will get something out of it.

So by reading through all of the above it transpires that there is actually lots of things which are different to the last time I hit a PB, and as a result I find myself now at day 40, looking forward to making it another 40, rather than wanting to reward myself by gambling.

Every single person I see or speak to has benefitted from my decision to quit gambling, I have become a better person as a result, a return to the person I was before I allowed it to take over my life, a return to the man my wife fell in love with rather than the one he allowed himself to become. My daughter has benefitted also, and I hope that she never has to know just what I was.

I will consider myself an addict in recovery for the rest of my life, I will continue to be very strict and rigid with myself because I know that this is what works for me, I know this through trying to quit many times, and not succeeding.

I will not play a “friendly” game of poker, I will not buy a lottery ticket or scratch card, I will not step foot in any gambling establishment ever again. I will not allow my recovery to become who I am, but merely a part of me.

I will post regularly on my diary, I will visit chat often, purely because it’s my favourite part of the gamcare community, and I will most importantly aim to inspire others to take a better path in life’s journey, If I have managed to help just one person throughout my journey then I have achieved.

May you all get what you need from this fantastic community and may you all live happy, healthy and successful lives.

One last thing, my thanks to all on the community whom have helped my to get this far. I hope I have been as influential in your recovery as you have been in mine.

Kram

Many congratulations on day 40 gamble free Kram. I love your reflection on what is different this time. One thing that is certain is that you do inspire others. It is a privilege to share a recovery journey with you x

Posted by: Murlo

Many congratulations on day 40 gamble free Kram. I love your reflection on what is different this time. One thing that is certain is that you do inspire others. It is a privilege to share a recovery journey with you x

Murlo

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read the post, it’s extremely long winded!!! Likewise it is a privilege to share recovery with yourself, like many people on the community, we probably wish we did it sooner, but boy am I glad to be doing it now!

6 weeks, 42 days, 1008 hours

This is the amount of time I will have been GF at midnight tonight.

Wow!! I would never have thought this possible, and right now I feel rather proud of myself!

Very much looking forward to the next step in my recovery when I start counselling on Wednesday.

Hope you all have a lovely and GF weekend

Kram

Kram,

thank you so much for visiting my diary and for your lovely words, it really does mean a lot to me. I have had a big smile on my face all day today. I shall not forget when you have picked me up when I have been feeling down and that has been often. That’s the beauty of this community. It really is a special place with special people and I am proud to be part of it x

Kram,

I have been thinking of you today. I hope your first counselling session went well x

Murlo

I appreciate this, sadly I had to postpone it as I didn’t finish work until late, only until next week though.

I gained the bonus of returning home for the best therapy available, family.

Kram

Day 47 GF

For the very first time since I started my journey I actually had to check how many days I’ve been GF before posting, surely this is a good sign?

Work was a very normal day today, I definitely need to take a break soon though.

Whilst at work today I stopped at fleet services, on my way to the toilets I walked past the gaming area, I stopped, looked, chuckled and carried on walking. It’s never been something I’ve used before and certainly won’t be now, I think I chuckled because service stations rip you off enough as it is without having money making gambling machines!

It did make me think about things for the rest of the day though, there are so many establishments in our society competing for our hard earned money yet so little wanting to do something good and actually help people, we apparently don’t live with a rich/poor divide anymore, but I’m pretty sure there’s some fat cats in the world living the high life through immoral means. It is just the world in which we live I suppose.

Im worried about my wife today as she is not feeling well, yet has still gone to work tonight, sometimes I get annoyed with myself as I can’t always give her everything that she wants, and arguably deserves, it’s a shame that we are both having to suffer for mistakes made solely by me. I know I can’t change the past, and am making progress on changing the future, sometimes it’s difficult to remember that when you’ve been as foolish as I have.

Some of this makes sense, some of it is utter waffle! But it has cleared my head of the negative thoughts that I had! 

Thank you diary

Kram

Kram,

thank you for visiting my diary. Just reading your post, I think your counselling will start at precisely the right time. Most of my early sessions were not very productive because I wasn’t ready. I get so much more out of the treatment now. I suspect you will too. Go easy on yourself x

Congratulations on your half century today Kram x

It’s ok to not feel yourself.

Most people within the gamcare community would have felt quite saddened when the news broke of Caroline flack having committed suicide, I know it hit me harder than I would’ve expected, for I have been there, I have had suicidal thoughts!

I am not proud that I’ve had these thoughts, but am really pleased that I was in a position to write them down, put them out there and reach out for help.

Life in general can be such an unbearable strain for people today that sometimes they can see no other way out, let alone if you are facing criminal charges, money worries or dealing with an addiction, or even worse all of the above!!

So much in today’s world is easier said than done, we could debate for ages as to the reasons why we frequently find things like the events of this weekend constantly  happening, but it will not solve the problem, in fact I don’t think there is anything to solve the issues we face in today’s world.

I think the most important thing is to be brave enough to speak up, reach out for help, I have made many mistakes in my lifetime but have always been brave enough to reach out for help, admittedly sometimes I’ve had to hit absolute rock bottom before I do so, but when I’ve done it I have felt the weight lift off my shoulders.

Mistakes are part of life, and don’t have to be worn like a badge of honour, they become part of who you are, and make you who you are yet to become, I would not change any of the mistakes that I have made in my life, because they have given me life skills, and will hopefully help me to spot upcoming mistakes as my daughter gets older herself, and give me tools to guiding her to a better life.

Long winded though it has been I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t feel shame for making a mistake, be brave enough to discuss it with someone you trust, those who have your best interests at heart will then help you every step of the way in your recovery.

The age old saying that a problem shared is a problem halved has never been more apparent than it is in modern society.

We are far too selfish and concerned about ourselves to worry about others, yet just a few simple words can be the most important words  you say in someone’s ENTIRE life!

Speak up

Reach out

Help out

There will always be someone who needs an ear to bend, or perhaps just a friend?

A down day

For reasons totally unbeknown to me I find myself feeling down today, I think that mostly I am tired, I was so restless last night!!!

This is a general feeling that I recognise from times gone by, I don’t think I can directly relate it to anything, just a very odd and almost empty feeling inside.

I really have no reason whatsoever to feel like this, I am on the back of my best weekend for such a long time, and have so much to be positive about.

I hope to be in better spirits tomorrow 

Hi Kram,

This will pass & you'll be fine. It's all about filling the void gambling leaves behind. Here's the easiest way to deal with the downs. Think of your worst ever day after gambling & loss after loss. Now compare it to how you feel today & ask yourself which one's worst. It ain't rocket science is it ?.

Keep Going

AL