The NeverEnding Story (1984) Staring Noah Hathaway

Opening up and posting my story 4 months ago was the best feeling I've ever had. I was the only one that lived through the whole chaos so it was all bottled up inside. I urge anyone if they are comfortable to post it on here as it's self liberating. I've done an up date to the original by adding to the recovery side. It is warts and all so if anyone wants to read this, please go ahead and make yourself a hot drink, then grab a comfy chair. 

 

I doubt I'm alone, but many friends and family asked where it all started, and when you realised you had a problem. Before I go into everything, I don't blame anyone in my story for what has happened. I truly believe that I was born with a compulsive disorder, and whichever way my life was going to run, I would have found gambling at some point. I have removed the amounts and people involved to protect the innocent. 

 

Two memories from my childhood stand out vividly. As a family, we used to play a card game called Newmarket, only on special occasions like Christmas and Easter, for pennies. Whenever we played, I always wanted to play another game and the next day, so the continuation element of my addiction was starting to take place at the age of around 7 years old. At around the same time, my Dad would always act as the bookmaker for the Grand National and take our horse picks. My mother and Brother were never overly bothered but would pick one horse each and place a small amount with my Dad. I, however, always had to pick 10 horses. I believe this was an early start to an element of the addiction of not being able to accept losses and being able to accept being wrong in my pick. At school, I felt very lonely. My brother and I went to a Catholic primary school attached to a church. In those days, non-Catholics were not allowed to take Holy Communion. On the occasions that mass was held at school, my brother and I were left sitting on the pews when everyone else went up for Communion. At the same time, it became obvious to the school that I was a long way ahead of other children in my Year and I was pushed to apply for a Governor's Scholarship to a Grammar school in another County. I am not sure whether I wanted this, but I went along with it. After a year of taking endless logic and IQ tests, I sat 7 exams and 2 interviews, beating 10,000 children to one of four places paid by the Governors. You may be thinking, when do we get into gambling, but this sets the basis for the addiction, so please bear with me. I am not travelling miles to school each day and have left my friends behind at Primary school as they have gone to other schools. In an attempt to make friends and, to a certain extent, rebel against my parents, I started going to an arcade in town. There weren't any fruit machines in the arcade, but again, it's more fuel for the addiction. I was bullied at school, verbally with threats rather than physically. I'm not sure what effect this had on me but no doubt continued the theme in my life of loneliness and depression. 

So now we get towards the gambling. My Dad gets an amazing promotion at his job, and we have to move 50 miles away as he is covering the whole of the South East for a major financial organisation. I moved schools to a decent but lesser Grammar school, but to continue the story of being lonely, I have no friends. We end up living 45 minutes from the school, making it even harder to make friends at the age of 14. I remember, not fond memories, of riding my bike past someone's house from my school to try and make friends without any success. We had moved near the coast, so using my Modus Operandi, I went to the Seafront arcades. In the arcades, I started to make friends, or so-called friends. The first time I played a fruit machine, I remember being hooked. I didn't want to leave, stayed until I had lost all my money, and was desperate to go back the next day. I also started scheming on fueling the trips and what I could say to my parents to alleviate them of more pocket money. None of this I am proud of and deeply regret, but I know now how the addiction in my head works and has developed its power over the years to be all-consuming. 

At school, I finally made friends, one of whom followed horse racing, not gambling, but introduced me to reading form. Between the two of us, we allied and decided at the age of 15 to try placing a bet at the bookmakers. This was 1984, different times and much more lenient to underage gambling. I found a love of golf and by the age of 17, hated school so much that I was going in to appear on the register, leaving after two lessons, going into town with my friend to place bets and then playing golf every afternoon. I had a part-time job to fuel this lifestyle, along with money from my parents under false pretences. At the end of the first year of sixth form, I had passed all my Mocks but was called in to see the Headmaster with my parents. He informed me that he knew what was going on with the truancy and asked where I was yesterday. After replying, here, Sir, he presented me with the school photograph and asked me to point myself out in the picture. I was given two options: repeat Six 1 or leave school. I had no intention of learning what I had already sailed through, so I left. 

 

At the age of 17, nearly 18, I got hold of a copy of the Stock Exchange Dealers Directory and wrote to around 250 stockbrokers. Another theme in my life was having someone look over me, which I believe to be God. All of them replied saying they didn't have any employment vacancies, dashing my hopes of being a millionaire dealer, but one passed on my letter to their Merchant Bank arm, and I got an amazing job just off London Bridge. So I am back to square one that I am travelling up on the train each day, leaving at 6 am to get into work. No friends at work, pin striped suit and looking smart. Confident, non-addicts would not have struggled with this, but not me. I found an underground bookmaker in the city and was mesmerised by the amount of money changing hands. More fuel on the fire of the addiction trail, and I started to take out loans and credit cards. Store cards as well, where I would buy something, take it back a few days later and be paid cash rather than a refund to the card. Because my Dad was now a director of the high street financial institution, there must have been some form of marker allowing me credit everywhere. The physical side of going into a bookmaker was starting to affect me, and for years, I would constantly watch the door to see who was coming in and if I knew them and would tell my parents.  The Stock exchange crash happened, and although I had only been at work for a couple of months, I kept my job when many were made redundant - again, a higher power looking over me. A year passes at my job, and I have to say I wasn't skipping work at all, but was out clubbing 5 nights per week, drinking and womanising, but just being an 18-year-old having fun. A small amount of drugs, but very minimal. My gambling at this stage was limited to fruit machines in pubs and horse racing in bookmakers, as online gambling certainly didn't exist. In fact, to get the horse racing results, you would either have to look at Teletext or ring one of the premium telephone numbers from a phone box. Parents found out about the gambling, a huge argument followed, and then I ended up leaving to live in a bedsit. Didn't pay my rent for the 8 weeks I was there and didn't go to work. Gambled every day and even went up to my work where I could cash a cheque, didn't go to work and went back home. Eventually, I went back to work, and they were sympathetic. Two weeks later, there was a power cut, and I arrived at work four hours late. The next day I was offered a cheque to terminate my employment, which I accepted. 

 

My Dad, who has always been my best friend all through my life and someone I looked up to, eventually convinced me to come home, paid off all my debts and told me to stop the gambling, which I did for about a week. Within a few days, I managed to land a job at a local company and became their PEP dealer. Spent every lunch time in the bookmaker often arriving late back to work. Broke a few rules that I thought were ridiculous, but you don't do that in the financial world, and history repeats itself, being offered a large cheque to leave, which I accepted. This company had been amazing because after just one month, I had a major car accident and was unable to walk for six months with my leg pinned together and pretty much dead on arrival in hospital. They looked after me financially.

 

So now we really start to accelerate the addiction, which has gone from burning embers to showing some large flames. I get a job in publishing and start earning serious amounts of commission. I won't even call it money because it was just ammunition for gambling. I met a girl and, through no fault of her own, was on holiday. She introduces me to casinos. She wasn't a gambler but had been before, unlike me. Of course, the first night in the casino, I won. I convinced my girlfriend to go back a second time, and I won again. Very good money as well. This starts a year or more of going to a casino one hour away from home, 3 or 4 times per week, getting home at 6 am and going to work. I guess this was my training for later in life and educating myself into not needing sleep. After losing huge amounts of money and creating more debt than my father had paid off, I decided to give up, and so I am back to horse and dog racing bets in bookmakers and playing fruit machines in pubs and arcades. We ended up buying a house, which was petrifying, and I had to own up to my Dad about the loans and credit cards, which would stop the mortgage. Yet again, he came to my rescue and paid the debts off. I am forced to go to GA by my parents. I walk in and see everyone is 50 years older than me, and it's all about God, so I dismiss it and ask them to get me counselling. In those days, there was a lack of knowledge of this addiction, and counselling was a farce.  In my 20s, I made several half-hearted attempts to give up, but they only lasted a couple of weeks, if that. The addiction kept pulling me back, and I always thought I could control it now. Reflecting now, I realise that I vividly remember my gambling life up to twenty years of age, but the rest is a blur. The chaos started when I was about 22, and that was when I buried gambling away from everyone, apart from girlfriends. My parents, up to recently, thought I had given up years ago. I am still getting the feeling of looking over my shoulder by the age of about 28. I have debts everywhere again, but not "borrowing" money off parents or anyone else, so I made the decision to stop playing fruit machines in arcades and pubs because of the visibility of it. Like Casinos I am amazed that I have never been pulled back into either form of gambling and have no interest in them, ever since. I find it amazing listening to recovery stories that everyone says they were borrowing the money, whether it was legal or not and maybe we honestly believed we would pay it back, even though we knew it was impossible without a huge win. I always put gambling before girlfriends until I met my current partner, which I am ashamed of. 

 

So roll forward, I am 30 years old, and the company I have worked at for 10 years, after many promotions, they close one of my magazines. I instantly formed a plan to be made redundant and get my editor to buy the magazine, which we managed to do for £1, and I got made redundant for a large amount of money. We launch our company, and I bring in a third director who will financially back us. I'm now the kingpin and have found my vocation in life. I do spend a lot of time working to build the company, but this is mainly done at night because I am sloping off to the bookmaker and on the numerous occasions I lose, I am in there for most of the afternoon, returning to the office with a different excuse each time. The company does ok and starts to grow. At the start we have four competitors, and in the space of a few years, we have none; they have all closed down. We have become a major force in the industry and a loved publication. I launch another magazine and start to build a portfolio of supplements and other publications. I added an exhibition at Excel in London, which was the largest trade exhibition launched in 2007. We are making half-decent money, which I am being paid out for. Gambling, however, is getting more and more, and I started to use an online website casino and am losing a lot of money. My debts and outgoings are more than my salary, so I end up selling my shares for a very low value to the other directors, but carry on receiving one third of the profit. Somewhere around 2010, some divine intervention (I thought at the time) convinced me to stop playing casino games and concentrate solely on online sportsbook betting, so I moved to betting on horses, dogs, football and golf. Still betting far more than I can afford. It's moved onto mobile phones, and the bookmakers are getting more sophisticated in what they offer. I stopped going to physical bookmakers and removed that "looking over my shoulder" phobia as to who was going to walk in or see me in there. 2015 arrived, and I remember getting a promotion from my online bookmaker, which at the time I found strange but harmless at the time. It was along the lines of, place a bet on this weekend's premiership football and for every goal scored in the premiership, we will give you a free spin. Considering the spins were only 10 pence each, it was the best promotion the industry ever threw at me, as it was another accelerator to my downfall. As you can probably guess, put something gambling-wise in front of me, and I will take it. You also know what happens next: I place the bet, take the spins and end up getting a feature which pays a large amount. The next day, I played the same slot and won again. So after giving up fruit machines for good, I have started playing online slots. In terms of where this story ends up, my gambling from this point to the Covid lockdown is too high, but nothing like where it leads to. 

So we come to the lockdown. I have 15 staff to try and keep in jobs, and revenue drops by a large amount in the business, and I have no idea where things are going to end up. Stress is starting to affect me, but in the early days of lockdown, when all sports were cancelled, I was probably quite responsible and only doing a small amount of slots play, instead working 16 hours per day trying to sell as much advertising as possible to keep the company going. As we start to move through the year and revenue increases, my gambling starts to increase on slots as well as the sportsbook. I completely stopped playing poker as it's taking up too much time, even though I would win from this on a regular basis, including tournaments, only to put it all in a slot after 10 hours of a tourney. I am feeling the stress of work and how I am doing this all my own with no one to talk to, as I've shut down connection and communication to hide the gambling. Somewhere around this time, responsible gambling starts to come in, and I am getting monthly loss limits. Like everyone else, I just keep opening more and more accounts in my name and my partners. I am taking loans out in my name and my partners so everything is getting more and more out of control. I pick up two VIP handlers on two of my accounts who are offering me promotions, tickets for events and chatting to me like a friend. I didn't realise their tactics at the time. They constantly said, is this affordable and of course, like any compulsive gambler who doesn't want to cut off his supplier, I said yes. They both said, "They could get away without seeing my bank statements", even though others had closed my accounts for not sending them. At the time, I don't know why I couldn't see what they were doing, asking me about work, my golf, what I was doing at the weekend, holidays, etc. I'm now losing far more than my salary, I am taking out payday loans, robbing Peter to pay Paul, struggling and lying to my parents for money. I'm borrowing off friends and paying them back all to fuel the addiction. 

 

I'm not sure when but maybe in 2023, something happened in my addiction. The stakes and wins aren't enough. Although my sportsbook bets only increase in volume, not staking, my slots play starts to get out of control. Work is becoming a real struggle; I am selling three-quarters of all the revenue and am trying to keep 15 people in jobs. I can't go into this too much, and I certainly don't want sympathy, but I start doing something at work that is morally wrong if not technically wrong. People involved start telling other clients, and I am pretty much blackmailed into doing more, and of course, it feeds the addiction. For points of the day, I have no conscience, and then when I am back in the "present", I can't do anything about it apart from worrying even more, and of course, my escapism is gambling. I'm not fully there for my family. Now I am not saying this in terms of the addiction, trying to justify things, but at work, there was a method to my complete madness, and it kept people in jobs due to the amount of work and kept the magazines going. The stress is building more and more. I am being asked questions and know at some point it will all come out. Somehow, I am still functioning, but I'm spending 14 hours per day working, 7 days per week, on holiday as well, gambling 6 hours per day and sleeping about 3 hours. I am damaging my mental health without realising, and the chaos is building beyond control. In 2024, I start to pull off the deal of the century to buy another trade magazine by buying it over three years from profit, with little money upfront. I have known the owners of the family business for 30 years, and as MD, they want the magazine to thrive, so they agree to the deal. We onboarded this in 2025 after a year of legals, and things should have been looking up. That said, the chaos in my brain is getting worse, the stress is taking its toll, and all I can think about is that there is no way out. I know I can't win the money, and I have become some sort of responsible irresponsible gambler. For the first time in my life, I am waking up and not wanting to gamble, looking for some sort of way out of the mess. I feel that some small part of my brain can't take anymore and wants out. 

 

So we get to the 18^th November, and as MD, I am called to a meeting at work, and it's obvious there are questions to be asked. I know now that this meeting had been planned for a long time and the end begins of my career of misery. I know I have no way out, and things are looking desperate. On the work front, the following day I my home computers are blocked from accessing my email etc. My phone is blocked from calls and only works on wifi for whatsapp etc. I found out that afternoon that I had been suspended pending an investigation. I don't blame them for any of this. I did wrong, I think, due to the lack of understanding. My mental health wasn't looked after, and using my best friend, whom I had brought into the company, to investigate me was hardly the right thing to do. I didn't need punishment and needed help. Two and a bit weeks of worrying, an investigation meeting where I broke down, led to one final meeting where, as Managing Director and 26 years spent working ridiculous hours to build the company, my employment was terminated. Due to yet another loan, 9999 directors' loan, I wasn't paid for November or December, which was tough to say the least.

 

On the 18^th November, after storming out of the meeting at work, I drove home in survival mode, trying to work out some way out of the situation. At this point, I knew there was no way out. Although I would never do it, I did start to understand why people take their own lives in similar situations where you cannot see a way forward. I hardly slept that night, and anxiety as well as depression seeped into my body in abundance. This is extremely hard for me to write, but I need to open up on here. These mental health issues have been suppressed for years as a slave to the addiction. That's not an excuse for anything I have done in my life, but it's a fact. I always thought I was a gambler, and over 44 years of gambling, I couldn't do anything about it, and it was just me. I never looked for the accolade from anyone, but I ended up living a life of lies, false ego and confidence when it wasn't really me. I knew everyone in my industry, and I think I was respected, but again, they never knew the truth. ,

 

So on the 19^th November which I now know was the first day of my life, I woke up after the worst night's sleep in my life. I told my partner everything. The relief in me was immense and probably kept me going that day. The horror in her face was unbearable, but I knew then it was the only way forward. I went for one last hurrah, the most responsible bit of gambling I had ever done, less than 30 minutes of slots and lost a small amount. I had decided this was the last day I ever gambled. At this point, I had over 64 online accounts to get around the monthly loss limits, and my total loss limit was a staggering 17 times my monthly wage !!! Responsible gambling by operators, what a joke, but that's another story. I withdrew the money from all my accounts. I self-excluded with them for the maximum. To make sure I sent them all rude emails telling them what they had done to me, in some vague attempt to get them to ban me forever and put me on whatever register might exist. I then went onto Gamstop and wanted to self-exclude for life, but as we all know, for some reason, you can only do 5 years. I ticked the box to renew without notification.

 

This is where my higher power started to kick in. I do believe in God, although I don't go to church. I never asked him for much other than when my daughter nearly died twice, and I prayed to him, saying I would be a good person and letting him down a week later.  As I had done the Gamstop very quickly and turned it off, and had never looked into giving up before, other than when no support was around, I sat there wondering what's next. My partner was sent home from work, and she stumbled across Gamcare. She immediately joined in for me as I was all over the place and barely functioning. I started reading the topic entries and realised I wasn't the only one like me. I hadn't even noticed the chatroom, and she pointed it out. For this first week, I slept pretty much all the time, and I think that was because the chaos was starting to subside in my brain, and I was making up for years of no sleep. In my first chatroom, there was an amazing moderator, like all of them are, and they mentioned the advisor's service. I hadn't realised it was also a live chat text service, and I used it far too many times in the first week, four or five times a day, as I just needed help and someone to talk to. I got some amazing advice everywhere.  Someone suggested walking, which has been a lifesaver to replace the dopamine and brings me back to the present when I need it. Someone talked to me about GA. I said it wasn't for me as I had been 30 odd years ago and was scared. They informed me that there is a number on the website for my local meeting. Unfortunately, I had missed it by a day but I rang the number and had a chat, someone who is now my sponsor agreed to meet me an hour before the meeting, explain how it works and take me in to introduce me to everyone. This was a life changer and the 12 people I have met there have been amazing and are now friends. I've not missed a single one and am doing service as literature secretary. Once I was in the room, it all made sense to me, unlike before. Another person mentioned the blocks. I installed Gamban on every device, which is simply another lifesaver. I delayed ringing MOSES or SENSE because I had left bookmakers and casinos well behind, but after a couple of weeks, I put these in place as a fail-safe, along with the other self-exclusion schemes. I blocked my card at the bank and started doing jobs around the house, crosswords and things to occupy my mind. The urges have never really come along, but there are still thoughts which I dismiss. 

My partner was very worried about me and booked an appointment with my doctor. He diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, putting me on antidepressants, which at first just made me feel sick, but now are working well. He also referred me to the NHS mental health team (unfortunately, the usual story due to lack of funding). I waited a month for a consultation, which got cancelled, and another 6 weeks to have the consultation, only to be put on another waiting list for therapy, but I am happy to wait. Another massive shout-out to the advisors on here because they referred me to Breakeven, and within 10 days, I was talking to the most amazing counsellor

 

I need to go back slightly towards the start of recovery. I drove down to see my mother and father to tell them everything. During my last two weeks of work, I wrote an email to my other director explaining everything and telling him all about the gambling. I opened up to everyone I could, but due to mutual friendships with my best friend, who was investigating me, I decided not to make people take sides and have not contacted them. The hardest two people I opened up to were two recovering addicts who had been friends for several years, and I had lied about giving up gambling years ago. There is something about lying to another fellow addict that hurts more than loved ones. They have both been incredibly supportive. 

 

So, week one of recovery was an absolute nightmare. Week two wasn't a great deal better and ended a few days later with my job loss. All I can think about is the past and the future, and quite frankly, I am all over the place. I have no interest in gambling, but social media and my old websites get plastered with a damming story, which is going to stop me getting a job when employers search, which most do. Week four is a turning point. The words in GA about one day at a time and just for today I started to make sense, along with other lines from the 12 steps and the orange book. I am feeling a little better each day, and I realised I need to concentrate on my recovery. Not over do it, spend time being present, being a house husband for now, but learning about the addiction, and I start watching recovery videos on YouTube and listening to podcasts. Counselling has started, which is great, and I realise my day is full of good things. I started to reconnect with life. I am talking to people everywhere and listening for the first time. I had always realised I couldn't just turn the switch off after 44 years, and it was going to be a lifelong recovery quest. I knew there were relationships I could never rebuild and ones that would take years. I started to get support from places I didn't think would happen, like my mother-in-law, who has been utterly amazing. My parents started to see a change and had faith in me. The whole idea of connection was making sense, and I realised I wasn't forced into this; I wanted it. I ended up reaching out to the people I watched on recovery videos to say thank you and explain how it resonated with me. I ended up getting replies from them and interacting. I downloaded the get evive app as another element of my support network, which had grown, and to run alongside Gamcare, who I owe my new life to. I started to read the topics on here, and I could see the pain in some of the words, just like in me and wanted to help in some small way. I found myself replying to the topics, which acted like therapy for me as a reminder of the past. I was able to put a line under the past, not forget it, but not dwell on it and allow it to drag me down. I made a decision to use those 44 years as a power pack for my future. I found that I wasn't ever a people pleaser; all I wanted to do was help. 

So the next 8 weeks, I have kept to this mantra. My life has got better and better. I know I can't affect the future without concentrating on today. If I can be the best person today that I can, then life falls into place. There is no point in spending energy worrying about the future or the past, as it won't change anything. That energy needs to be spent on today, one day at a time. 

 

I've learned to celebrate the milestones in my short recovery career with a small treat. Next Tuesday, I hit 90 days, which coincides with my GA meeting where I get presented with a key ring for that - I proudly have these on my car keys. I now regularly attend 3 live GA meetings and 4 online zooms per week. 

 

I've spent a lot of time on my recovery and have learned that stopping gambling is one thing, stopping wanting to gamble is another. I spend every day trying to be the best person I can. I stick to my daily morning and night routines. I look to improve my character strengths and defects a little bit each day. Today is day 170 and I intend to have no actions to move me to having a bet ever again

 

I hope everyone can find their own recovery path and I am happy to walk it alongside.