The promise

What you thinking about get that bread made take the bad mood out on it while kneading

Updated profile pic to show first 'square'... not exactly a perfect square but I've got the basics now.

Its getting a bit late to start bread now and need to be in mood or I'll rush it and mess it up.

Check you out (big smile)...That's brilliant 🙂

Thanks ODAAT - got a lot more squares to do! Prob try and do a better one tonight and buy some different colours tomorrow.

Started second square and it's much more uniform so definitely better at it now. I have discovered that my patches are very basic and there are so many ways to make a square... for example some are more like a type of circular spiders web getting bigger and then patched into a square. I need more yawn for that as potential to go wrong is huge.

Anyway no gambling today. Couldn't watch snooker as it was annoying me. Watching the NFL playoff games and doing bits of crochet inbetwen feeding my son.

I mentioned on chat the other day that there is a documentary producer called Werner Herzcog who I really like. I looked him up again and saw he made another one in 2013.

I've only watched first 10 mins so far but wanted to post it here. It's about people who text and drive and the lives affected by it. It's very different subject matter than his other documentaries.

I'm posting it here as I know I've checked my phone for tennis or footy scores etc... just adds to the list of reasons to not gamble... really shocking and I've only watched 10 mins.

http://youtu.be/Xk1vCqfYpos

Day 36 and it's fairly depressing on a cold Monday morning to be heading to a job you don't like... that's the only thought that keeps repeating around my head over and over. Need to find something else to do in life.

Positives

- my hands aren't as cold as i thought they'd be and I remembered my coffee cup rather than leaving it on the side like I did on Friday.

Hi change

January blues suck dont they! However, I remembered reaching rock bottom 3 yrs ago which made dealing with January, a breeze in comparison. It will soon be over.

Take care and keep warm.

Feb.

Thanks Feb - mega depressed.

Positive

- got a book from library to read on way home

Well made it through today but another boring day. Not much going on in the office and seems quiet. It makes the daily grind worse when no excitement whatsoever. The struggle is well and truly takin hold. I feel confident I'm not going to give in bit each case day is fairly tortuous right now. Not sure what I can do to change it. I'm lacking any energy and back to that grey period where I just wanted days of my life ticked off.

Positives

- made it back home safe with no gambling

- didn't get in an argument with my boss

hi change, can througholy(spelling !) relate to your mind set - boring - equates gambling thoughts, those computers at work to a degree have taken the challenge outta work, press a button task completed. That has been my issue over the last six years, made a lot of money from working for myself - long hours - stopped cause the market was gone for my product, back to a boring dead-end job, bored stiff, before internet gambling in the seventies all there was on the computer was golf games. We need to find a way of alleviating the boredom - any ideas?

Hi change I luv the way you can find positives every day, well done my friend

Keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne - appreciate your comments!

Lost my life - I have no idea right now. I'm just trying to make a meaningful decision every few hours rather than mind numbing state of mind. I think having your own piece of the pie is the key. Do you mind saying what you used to do before your product went redundant?

Hi change , anyway that you could look at the bigger picture instead of focusing on the one day at a time approach , maybe look at your whole life instead of little things that aren't quite right and look at all the good things you do have ?. Do you have anything to aim at , any goals you want to achieve ? I suppose its different for me because Ive been self employed for the last 34 years , so always something to focus on!. Obviously I don't know what you do for a living, no interest in doing it for yourself? Really feel for you buddy so I'm clutching at straws a bit !

Thanks Alan. I mentioned on here previously how I had no goals and that it was disturbing me. I just exist and don't really have a thing I'm working towards. It's difficult to get up without any focus. It's definitely something I want to address.

I could set up on my own but here's the kicker... I'm very risk adverse!!! It's nuts ain't it? I've worked same job since I graduated. I'm too scared to do anything else and jump ship but still I'd risk a bag of sand on a yellow fluffy ball.

I am trained to be specialist in a very niche area so would need to broaden my skills. I'm technically qualified in all areas but when it comes to making Benjamin's you need to know it a bit better than in a book. However in my specific niche there are prob only about 10-15 people in the UK who can do this particular piece of work to the level I can. I'm not sure how this work would filter down to the smaller or medium businesses as I focus on very large companies. I'm not sure if the juice is worth the squeeze for them. It's something I do ponder a lot.