The Sound of Music (1965) Starring Julie Andrews

Control

Sorry but please bear with me as the film title doesn't work with the topic but will. 

This is something I've troubled with in recovery and although through a lot of work on my thoughts it's getting a little bit better so I wanted to talk and get some comments for suggestions.

So for.many years I thought I was the supreme.maestro extrodinaire, finest and world renowned conductor of the orchestra (hence the film title). I not only had complete control over my life but I controlled everyone around me to play the tune (film title) that I wanted. In recovery it's been pointed out to me time and time again that is the worst possible arrogant statement I could make and think. Ego which of course is false pride was rife in my life but maybe ego was a mask so that was false as well. Gaslighting to put others down was an evil strategy. I believed I could read minds and should be on the stage (film title). I played god in my.life but I was wrong. At some points I would even allow myself to be manipulated so I could manipulate back and let people think they were in control. I hope no one thinks this is bragging because I am ashamed and never saw what I was doing because my addiction said it was ok.

I had no control. I had no control over myself to start with and was a slave to gambling. So when I surrendered I started to get it. Not the surrendering part but seeing what I did and working to not let it creep back in. The hardest part about surrender for me isn't giving my will and guidance to God it's allowing others to control me. When it's helpful it's good but there are instances when people think I'm not capable in normal life and need to be punished, being told what to do and how to think...the normal people as I call them. There are only so many times I can bite my tongue before I can't eat anymore.

A second part of this is learning acceptance from the serenity prayer. I can't read minds. I can't make people feel a certain way and it's not my right. I don't have to take advice if it's not right for me. Yes it was Stuart's thinking that got him into this mess and as much as Stuart's thinking won't get him out, with the right guidance into Stuart's thinking, one day at a time, I can keep my side for the street clean. Like the saying goes, if everyone sweeps their front of house then the world would be a cleaner please. I can't make them do that or even want them to do that. 

Learning the acceptance part of the serenity prayer is something I need to work on every day. Accepting what I can't change, obviously changing what I can and most importantly knowing the difference