This is self harming without scars

Taking stock of the last year. Day 140 today. That's a positive. Think im about break even so no debt moving forward. However time to time remember that I had £10k more this time last year, £12k more 2 yrs ago. Financially I've made no progress, only regressed! but hopefully mentally I have. I only really think and focus on the last few years of losses as I've worked so hard at the exspense of living a life and have nothing to show for it currently. Time to really start investing all that time and effort in me. New year, new start. No more torturing myself and my self asteem. No more missing out if life's opportunities. I've experienced some good things but I've never truly lived thus far- I'm going to start. Merry xmas

Taking stock of the last year. Day 140 today. That's a positive. Think im about break even so no debt moving forward. However time to time remember that I had £10k more this time last year, £12k more 2 yrs ago. Financially I've made no progress, only regressed! but hopefully mentally I have. I only really think and focus on the last few years of losses as I've worked so hard at the exspense of living a life and have nothing to show for it currently. Time to really start investing all that time and effort in me. New year, new start. No more torturing myself and my self asteem. No more missing out if life's opportunities. I've experienced some good things but I've never truly lived thus far- I'm going to start. Merry xmas

4 more torturous months of gambling and drinking excessively come to an end today. Self excluded permanently from the accounts I've had. I'm tired of living this life and destroying myself with this horrible secretive addiction. I'm going to rest now, no more drink or gambling for the nforeseeeable future. But I know I need to address what leads me back time and again.

A few thoughts of gambling today. Batted away with the knowledge that I cannot win as I cannot stop. I've spent so long working stratagies out for sports betting and then never really given them a chance as I just chase losses constantly. I've really put myself through the mill over the last couple of months. It not only takes all my money it takes most of my time. Also wanted to get some alcohol but avoided that also. I need to fight this with a clear head. And am trying to be positive to myself for commiting to stop and change rather than be negative aT what I've done. WhAts gone had definitely gone. I've been so tired for a while now, up late, alcohol disrupting sleep, chasing my tail at work, no proper rest. Hopefully over the weeknd I can catch up with the rest I need.

A troubled sleep last night. I think it's possibly withdrawals from alcohol and gambling. Really fighting hard not to give into a drink. It's become very habitual over the last 2-3 years. I know I need to be fully focussed on this battle with gambling with a clear head. Feeling very low right now. The realisation of the amount of money I've wasted over the last 3 years or so is devastating. All that hard work down the drain. I built up a business from scratch only to hand all of the profit over to book makers. I don't have the answer as to why. I've never had that much money before. Once I start I can't stop. Need to remember that at all times. Really want to improve my mental health now. Have become a bit reclusive over the last few months also. I have great people around me and really need to get life back on track.