What a day!

Hey Irene ..

Just seen your post there and read it after I saw yours on mine about Paddy ..

Please do not beat yourself up ...in your mind you were probably not as you wished but in your besties mind you probably actually were...maybe the way you chose to discharge that stress kept you from going under yourself at the time ....

You know me ...master of tact but I don't want you to be hard on yourself now, that's all...I hope also that you don't delete your post as it is part of your story and selfishly it helps folks like me understand more..

((((((Irene))))))))..biggest hugs ever

R and D xxx

My usual "thanks" for support and understanding ladies x

Well, its still day 294, just thought I'd update how I feel after an emotional posting. Much better, having "offloaded". Nothing will bring him back but nothing will destroy the friendship that his mum and me have (and have had for many years!).

Me n Paddy had a lovely long and windy walk today to blow away the cobwebs and have a think. Caught up with housework and looking forward to freshly laundered bedding 🙂

Hi Irene... good to read that your feeling much better. Its good to get stuff out the system sometimes. Once its out it sets it free.

Well done on your gambling free time... S.A 🙂

Thank you for being so honest and as SA says it sets it free. So glad you remained friends and know you will have been a big support to her as happened years ago to someone I know and she distanced herself from all her friends and eventually moved away which I thought was sad at the time although understood why.

Makes your achievement even more outstanding when you have been dealing silently with so much.

Want to thank you for your ongoing support as well as I appreciate it very much.

xxx

thanks SA/DF

Day 295

Just home from work. Gym class and singing group after work this evening- jeez, I could clear a room! The singing was a "one off" but a great experience (maybe not for the others!)

No thoughts or urges to gamble which is great. Thinking lots about the mess preceding November when I last gambled- I cant undo it (much as I wish I could) so just need to move on.

Apologies for not being entirely open on my diary-I thought it was because it wasn't my story to tell, however realise it is my experience therefore it is my story. The impact that illness/ death has affects individuals differently. My gambling stakes escalated last year and that's when the "chasing" really began I think. I had played online bingo for years however, seemingly without issue- a few times per week for small stakes which I could afford and I'd withdraw any winnings. As I've said before, I didn't quite realise the amount of time/energy I expended on the sites. It took a massive win and subsequent massiver loss to scare the hell out of me and make me realise that I'd lost control. I used gambling to hide from the hard stuff in "real" life.

My life is to some extent compartmentalised- I keep work issues at work, share most stuff on here that I know is directly related to gambling, I have been blessed with a few great friends who know me and I can share anything with (although I think they don't fully understand the gambling, but they try hard to). My family is small and imperfectly formed and I'm hesitant about inflicting my woes on them.

I'm unsure why a "daily update" has culminated in another ramble. I think I was trying to express that I'm so grateful to this forums members for understanding me (even when I don't lol) x

Day 296

Another long day at work.......there seems to be a bit of a dip in the general atmosphere at work. A colleague's getting married on sat and we're all invited, so hopefully a wee shindig will raise our spirits and reinvigorate the team.

Gamble free and ambling along.........

day 297

I've been reflecting after recent postings.....its relatively easy to "blame" an event for triggering my behaviour, however when I reflect need admit that gambling has been an issue for much longer. I have been remembering "isolated incidents". It was, to some extent controlled (in terms of financial implications) however had periods when too many hours were spent in front of computer.I remember studying several years ago and a "wee 10 mins" online bingo was my "rest" from studying and essay writing ...this invariably led to much longer than 10 minutes and assignments being rushed.

I always had an "emergency" £50 note stashed in the back of my purse- until I attended a social evening at a casino......I had taken my "betting" allowance- lost, spent my £50- lost and lifted the remainder of my cash from the convenient ATM- lost! That was several years ago.

I won £100 in early scratchcard days- spent it all buying more.

When I think back, I remember going to afternoon bingo sessions with my mum (strangely I hate "real" bingo!) and enjoyed the vicarious highs/lows of her playing.

I've always thought of my gambling as a relatively recent thing- yes, the vast stakes were recent but the time and ability to control it obviously aren't.

When did I start to be a CG? Was it then? Does it really matter when I started? I just wish I'd realised much earlier...............I do enjoy not gambling, spending time doing other stuff. My relationship with son and sis is much better. Tonight I visited my pal after gym- that would've been unheard of last year!

Hey Irene,

I'm afraid we all ask the same question, ...why we didn't realize we have a problem much earlier....It is what it is darling, and as i say it's better later than never...There is no time for regrets, the only way is forward, and you doing just that...I am so proud of you, a lot of you are like my second family here....I really care about you and wish you strength and happiness in your life;)

I'm very pleased you going out and about, you don't need your escape routes anymore, life is so much better without all this " shittola" ( prob spelled wrong lol) and you deserve all the good things for you my friend!

Opsss....nearly forgot...CONGRATS ON DAY 298! Doing well!

Take care,

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra x

Day 299

Almost done-my head's been a muddle for past wee while. Today's been good though- busy at work, spent time with sis and gamble free 🙂

Day 300

I feel S***e. Got 2 letters yesterday from creditors. Called CAB today for advice-awaiting return call. I didnt expect ongoing hassle-Ive been paying agreed amounts monthly. Why cant they just leave me alone?

Feel like lifes a constant struggle at the moment-Im working hard to try and improve yet getting nowhere fast....whats the friggin point in trying?

At work and sitting crying in car-whats that about?

Irene,

Hang in there my friend.Look how far you have come...Nearly a year! You might not getting there fast, but you are making progress daily. surely your payments should take the debts down. I'm sorry i don't know much about creditors, but looks like you are paying stuff and they are in a wrong really by keeping on your back like that.... Calm down and take a deep breath, it is one of them days, you are doing great and your honesty shines through.

You know you can do it, and you will do it..you will come out the other end, it might take some time but as i said, you not going backwards...the only way is forward...you doing just that! i am proud of you girl!

My thoughts are with you, please stay strong and keep fighting back.

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey Hun...

Hopefully I can help with those tears...

Are your debts unsecured? ..if so..dry those tears my friend..

what all creditors do is "try it on" ..forgive me if you know this but this gave me great relief..

Number 1 ..Creditors and banks make money by us being in debt ...We are doing them the favour by being in debt!! not the other way around !!! Without us they have no job..

Remember that Hun!! ..this is the thing I keep at the front of my mind when those "shame " letters come in that make me feel I am a criminal on par with a serial killer! ..that's want they want us to feel ..shame at being "irresponsible" so we shall cough up more.

How they do it is to loan us "money" that does not exsist as its numbers generated on a screen .The money then is underwritten by insurers and if we default for whatever reason they get their cash back via the insurance company AND again through us..TWICE by bully boy letters to us.

Not bad when the loan does not exsist in reality in the first place.

Sorry to use this expression Irene but it really is a game of poker..

Resubmit your financial statements again to whoever you have the debt with..keep up always with your token amout.Give them the odd phone call now and then just to keep a line of communication going and update them with your circumstances.

Some of these letters are automatically triggered...even these so called bailiff ones as they are often scary letter heads generated but the company themselves.

Other debts are sold on to 3rd parties but the same rules apply,

Stepchange and the CAB know the system and will guide you..they have told me to act when a blue an white court letter arrives and even then..to back and renegotiate and see what the creditors bottom line is..

If you have any savings you could do this and get a 3 k debt halved or even quarterd by doing a deal with them.On Unsecured debts this is standard and would rather have something and shut your account down than the hassle of court expenses whereby they may get nothing at all if you go bankcrupt.

If you are going down an IVA route then unless your circumstances change they have to accept the figure you arranged..give them 1p extra if it comes to it! But always pay on time and set up a direct debit as the only time they will recall the full amount is if you don't pay the agreed amount on time.

They send these letters to frighten us into paying more and most people will react and start borrowing from friends and other lenders and spiralling down..when we pay a token amount Isee them as wolves with us throwing them a few bits of meat to keep them at bay,

Stepchange also advised me with my 5 unsecured debts totalling 20k to give them all equal amounts..in my case £1 each and not pay one creditor over another.if you are seen to be doing this as they can look at your experien report then that's when the creditors you haven't cleared start writing again..as they think how come you have found the money to pay more to X and not us.? ..so they try it on with scare / bailiff type letters.

Don't forget Stephcange is a charity funded by the main high st banks themselves...and like any big corporates those banks can avoid paying too much tax by setting up charities and not only controlling the loan side but the debt side too.

All the training for these folks who help us is also offset against their tax..

In my case all my debts are with high st lenders who fund Stepchange charity ...so my lenders and my saviours are effectively the same people!

I never feel sorry for charities attached to big business as those charities are set up as a tax dod...err...I mean diversion/ offset.

It's a bit like McDonald's and Pret a manger ..both the same company..one killing us off with burgers the other saving us with healthy lunches ..lol x

I say this as its sometimes good to see the big picture of how it all works as it takes a lot of the fear out of it..

Creditors rely on people like us to keep coughing up and being scared into paying more and more ..

Keep in mind banks and credit lenders make their money out of debt...if we were not in debt they would not have the Gzillions fhey have now ...they make money out of us and then make us feel bad for being in debt,,

It's warped !

This is why cash purchases are not seen as good ...they want you tied in to a credit loan not paying for stuff cash.. as they make no money out of us in interest or when and if we default or when we pay in full in cash.

It's hard to get your head around but this is how the world of finance works...it's a game, its poker and it requires striking deals as if you were a business..

(((((I ))))))) xxxx

Ps ..just to give you an idea as to where I'm up to Irene hopefully to reassure you ...

My 5 debts will probably go by the way of CCjs.

They are all under 5k each but over £700.

Stepchange have said that if I can bring any of my debts to 1k a piece , a creditor is unlikely to take me to CCJ even If they can as its not worth the hassle to them in court costs,

I can't do that anyway as I have no savings but what I do have is capital in the house.

The way it will go for me in a worst case is CCJ against me and attached as secured debts against the house. They can't force eviction but when my house is sold they will get their money back..

My debts are all with high st lenders and banks and therefore regulated. What that means is that I will only pay back what I owe now not more charges and interest as its all frozen.

If my debts were unregulated such as with payday loans or independent companies then they can whack on charges..

Regulated creditors also have the power to apply the charges but are unlikely to under the credit services act.

For me bankcrupcy was not an option as there is substantial capital in the house..nor was an IVA as I have no savings so bizarrely if my mortgage lender had given me an advance of 20 k on my mortgage or a secured homeowner advance..NON of this would have happened as in the end through CCJs this is basically what will happen anyway as my creditors effectively put a secured loan on the house!

If they had given me an advance ..my credit rating would have been back up to excellent ..I could have got a cheaper mortgage deal as I now locked in with my lender due to my credit rating being shitola ..( an exsisting lender can't refuse me a remortgage but a new lender can) ..and also the difference in getting a cheaper mortgage would have paid for the 20k over 20 odd years or whatever by a small monthly increase .

Sleepless nights,stress and tears could have been avoided right?

R and D xxx

Hey Irene,

Keep your chin up I know sometimes if feels like we are P****** against the wind but it will take time, and you have that in abundance. Dont let the letters get on top of you and dont let it be a reason to go back, Forwards in small steps is the only way.

Be patient its something i have to practice every day and you WILL get there.

take care

blondie xx

Still day 300!

Thanks so much ladies- I'm not entirely sure what triggered today's outburst (aside from those ruddy letters!!!!)

There's been lots of shitola building and I have a severe case of the "poor me"s methinks. Probably not helped by hormones- who'd be a woman???

Instead of the rubbish, it's time to think of the lovely stuff from the past few days:

One of my colleagues told me he respected me because I've never lost my values- in my position we see lots of staff quickly "burn out" and forget why we do this job....he was impressed that I still quote my "do unto others" motto after many years and treat people well and with respect. This was from a guy that I rarely talk to and have very little in common, but had the opportunity to work jointly with yesterday. This was praise indeed 🙂

I've just spent a great evening with my sis- just window shopping and having coffee with the obligatory blethering but an enjoyable evening that money cant buy 🙂

I feel closer to my son than I've done in ages despite him living in his own house. I've brought him up to be a hardworking and decent young man and I'm so proud of him.

I feel like I'm making amends to my bestie in a small way- managed to raise lots of dosh for last week's event which is being donated to a children's cancer charity in her son's memory.

Despite the letters, I am paying my debts as agreed and I won't be bullied or intimidated by the companies. I have done all I can today to sort this out. I will not correspond with them except through CAB.

Yes, I have made mistakes in the past. They can't be undone but I have no plans to make the same mistakes. I plan to learn from them and move forward. I am not a "terrible person"- I am human and am not perfect. Regrets and crying is OK. Being angry at myself for a wee while is OK- letting anger and regrets ruin my life is not OK and I wont let that happen!

Just a final thought- some of the best things in my life have been "mistakes" which retrospectively have been brilliant!