52 days gamble free today, but I'm struggling.
I've had a really rough weekend.
I've been very emotional, angry, sad, feeling shame and guilt, but the most present emotion is anger.
I'm not an angry person.
Looking back over the weekend has shocked me, on Saturday I shouted at my ex husband in a car park in front of our kids, that's not me, an hour or so after I felt burning shame and embarrassment and disappointment.
My head feels so full and dis-organised, gambling is on my mind a lot, since Saturday morning.
Close people around me have noticed I'm having mood swings and lack of self care with my self and my home. Looking back at my house id say its been 5-6 days build up of loss of motivation with keeping up with everyday jobs.
I've been irrational in short bursts, in confrontations which I have generated, again not like me at all I don't like confrontation. It is taking me a lot longer than normal to recover from being distressed.
I have had extra love and support around me all weekend as others around me could see I was on a downward spiral and needed help.
My ex husband came to my house on Saturday and cleaned and tired my whole house with the help of our boys.
After mu outburst on Saturday teatime, (yes after he had helped clean and tidy my home I shouted at him in the car park) I reached out to Gamcare on the phone and was helped to understand my emotions and given advice on ways to spot when things are going downhill and I'm not coping.
I called my ex and apologised to him and asked him to pass apologies to his girlfriend, he said no apology was needed they were both just worried about me as its so out of character.
Then I sat with my boys and watched a film trying to relax my nervous system. I didn't sleep again. My ex husband came back on Sunday to make sure everything was caught up on and also to make sure I was looking after myself and eating. Sunday was another hard day I cried a lot, had lots of gambling thoughts and anger.
Monday was much the same, I'm exhausted!
Today I had my first zoom meeting with Gamcare, He was ace, supportive, kind and down to earth.
He has helped me to understand its ok to have hard, rough days, I'm not perfect and I don't need to tackle Recovery
as if I am, I need to show myself more compassion and more self care, I show and give it to everyone else, Its time to do it for myself and not be hard on myself.
Not quite sure there is a point to my post other than to share how I've been feeling, Its defiantly been an eye opener.
Blessing everyone x
Hi El
No idea of this will help or hinder but in our recovery I think this happens a lot. Couple of weeks ago I went into a self pity spiral which took two days to come out of. A friend of mine who is 7 years off a bet, punched a wall and broke his hand. It's normal and at least you reached out to the amazing team on here. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I cant do this alone El. Thank you for your share and being honestÂ
52 days...... uve actually pretty much done the hardest part of recovery now....... the first two months, building up the habbits..... new lifestyle,,,,,,,, getting ued to less dopamine........ putting the blocks in place....... starting to make the right decsions....... youre doing great....... Ur ex sounds like great support...... we all need great support.... we cant all be self sufficient all the time its just not possible......
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Give yourself a pat on the back........ youre doing this......
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All the best adam
Hi El,
I am sorry to hear you had a tough weekend. Please don't be harsh to yourself. It is normal to have odd moments. We all do. There must be something that have triggered you... If situation like that happens we must talk to people we trust , family members or Gamcare advisors Good that you have reached out for help and are strong enough to refrain from gambling. El you are embraced with love by people around you. Just thinking of that will bring you and me a big smile . Perhaps every now and then have a plan for gathering or going out with family or friends, something to look forward to is very important to anyone. Take good care of yourself.Â
@lp5vut869c i think the guy who 7 years bet free might just be that type of guy reason why am saying the people who i personally know dont gamble one of them goes to gym to let his frustration out another guy abit parronoid just dont like people staring at him some people are hot head others have an attiitude problem nothing to to with gambling its more of behaviour issue then anything else lol
Hi Taz
As I'm sure you will agree, it's all about building a life without gambling where you never want to go back. White knuckling doesn't work if you can't be happyÂ
@lp5vut869c i totally agree gambling is what caused alot of the behaviour issues i was rude and be easily irritated gambling brought the worst out of me that another issue i had with Ga once i got away from the brain fog i found the meetings depressing since he been on the chat not once i saw him complain about it anything he only person that actually noticed anything about me
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