Walking in to the recovery program I felt inept inadequate insecure I could not articulate or explain what my feelings and emotions were or felt, that I could not live my life with out gambling or that people could understand me.

Hi

Time and time again I would go to gambling establishments and walk out not understanding my feelings or emotions.

I was in effect working hard for my money and giving it away to complete strangers, while I and my family went with out.

Today I understand that no matter how much money I got I could not stop gambling.

I wanted to be angry at the gambling establishments and blame them for what I was doing or hwo I felt, sadly they did not make me do any thing that I wanted to do.

By going to gamble I was isolating my self time and time again.

I had nothing to show for my hard work and did not see or understand that what I was doing to my self was fear based and a form of self abuse.

There was one Saturday morning my wife asked how I was feeling.

I told her that I was feeling very emotionally vulnerable with out my going to gambling establishments in my fears.

My wife asked me to get my  jacket on and we would go for a drive.

After a while we found a ten pin bowling alley and we had some great fun.

Then every Saturday my wife my son and I went ten pin bowling and ahd great fun.

After that I looked forward to my Saturdays having fun and not fearing them any more.

I had been in recovery for some time and we were going on holidays and going over seas.

I found that holidays were a goal and we were rewarding our selves for our hard work.

By abstaining from gambling I was in effect exchanging my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

I was also not wasting so mucgh time and was getting new challenges done.

I use to hear words like bad right wrong good and understood they  sounded like cristisms.

So I decided to change how I talked to my self and how I viewed things to be done.

So why do thing reluctanting and resentfully, you do not get any pleasure doing things that way.

Today I understand that I have needs, I have wants and I have goals.

In the old days I could not answer how I spent my time.

I would also say that my work was obsessive and I felt very insecure about it.

Sadly I could not accept a compliment.

Being asked in to the office I assumed that I had done some thing wrong.

I did not understand my thinking or reactions to life people and situatiions.

As you hear each person gain more comfidence and pride starts to rise in them self, I thought that they were becoming much healthier people.

The the wording being self sufficient, more questions and I was starting to understand more about my self.

I use to think that I could never feel successful in myself.

Then I understood that being successful was about my healthy actions and my healthy words.

Yet when I lied and decieved my self and other peopel I was being a very unhealthy person.

Yet I also understand that if we abstain from unhealthy habits only then could I change how I processed my life and how I would interact with all people in a healthy way.

There have been meetings where people were nto pushed in to talking or giving therapies for over four months and over six months and then they opened up when they were ready to.

I use to fear talking and would think I would talk when I was asked to.

Then when people did not asked me to talk I woudl feel resntful, even though I had the chance I was reluctant to talk.

I am humbled today to be an equal to all people in the recovery program.

No mater hwo healthy or unhealthy people are I am an equal.

So after eyars my honesty in my sharings and my therapies helped me have itnimacy with my familly.

All the uhealthy I did and said adbversely affected me in many ways and in relationships I had with myself and other people.

No amount of money I paid back to people would heal their pains.

Often in our meetings there is loads of laughter, we are often not laughing at other people we are laughing at our self.

With deep honest therapies our fears reduce, our trust grows, and we elarn hwo toa rticualte what our feelinsg and emotions are or were.

What was very powerful was writing down my fears and it was a huge list.

I now understand that it is not healthy for me to live in any kind of fears today.

I understand that when I was born I had no fears.

Then during my life I was caused so many pains and e motional truama that many fears grew in me.

We often do not even know ro understand where the fears came from but by acknowledging them we can in time reduce our fears.

The sda fact that having high expectations of people life and situations I was in effect huring and causing my self many pains and many fears.

So my frustrations and the pains I caused my self due to high expectations of people life and situations I was self harming myself.

If things do not go my way why hurt my self.

At what point do I fully understand what recovery is abaout.

At what point do I start to exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

If we are becoming healthy we can also help others understand more about recovery.

Nurturing and encouraging is a very healthy things to do.

Such healthy things and actions will aid some one get a much healthier life.

We can all in time learn to abstain from unhealthy habits yet beyond abstain from unhealthy habits we work as a team and learn to ask questions.

It is very sad that I use to ask questions or asking for help.

It is about how much we value our self and how much we want to put in to our recovery.

I have goen to meetings which were 1.5 hours to 2 hours long and then had one to ones which have gone on another 2 or 3 hours beyond the meeting time.

Some times meetings raise more questions than answers.

The more we get to understand the more we can achieve in our recovery.

Being in recovery we get top udnerstand there are certain thinsg or people we can not change.

By acepting that fact we do nto internalize other people issues.

I have in my time in my recovery had two people that told me they hated me.

Now I am very grateful that those two people could be that honest with me.

By talkings things out there was less hatred and less pain in those people.

It is very rare for me to take risks yet now and again I make an error it is important for me to learn from errors. 

I have been driving for over 61 years and have got to understand more about safety and reading other drivers.

My wife thinks it is strange to be able to assess what mistakes other people do.

And often when I see or ehar other unhealthy people I get to see and hear how I use to be.

Time and effort put in to my recovery is self rewarding.

The healthy motivated people in the recovery program help me how much potential I have with in my self.

Love and peace to eveery one.

Dave L

Dave of Beckenham