Hi
My name is Dave I am a compulsive gambler, I am a non religiour person, I am over 30 years with out a bet.
The recovery programme would help me learn how to abstain from gambling and other unhealthy habits.
The recovery programme would help me get more honest with mys elf.
The recovery programme would make me aware of much PAIN much I was causing my self and others.
I was most certainly was a victim from an early age.
I felt like aloner simply because I was filled with so many fears and could not open up honestly to myself.
The people in the recovery programme would help me be more hionest with my self.
The people in the recovery programme was nto going to control me or my life.
The simple truth was I could not articulate what my feelings and emotions were.
When I went to the gambling establishments I was hurting myself more and more.
I wanted to blame the gambling establishments for stealin my money from me, they did not do that I simply gave my money away and got nothing back except for many more pains, many more fears, many more frustrations.
Why would I keep going to meetings if I have not gambled in over 30 years.
I walked in to the recovery program in 1969, yet I am only 30 years clean.
I have been in to the recovery program for over 54 years why did I not understand sooner.
I was a very slow learner, it took me more than one meeting per week just to abstain and even more meetings to trully understand that my addictions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
I often hear people say that no longer gamble and their life is fine, or I am not that bad.
The simple truth I could not admit to myself how much pain was not healed in me.
The simple truth I could not admit to myself how much fear was not removed in me.
The simple truth I could not admit to myself how much frustration was in me.
The simple truth I could not admit to myself how much I felt like aloner and fear emotional intimacy.
The simple truth I could not admit to myself how bored I felt, that I felt so inept, I felt so inadequate, I felt so insecure.
The people in the recovery programme would help me become more productive in my life.
More of my needs would become done willingly.
More of my goals would become done willingly.
More of my wants would become done willingly.
I would no longer be mean on my self, in treating my self to some thing nice.
One thing was very important being in a recovery program each day by my growth I would get more done in my day.
Procrastinating would be drastically reduced.
I would find more and more skills and learn how to get things done.
At one time I use to drive my car on petrol fumes.
My car petrol gauge was more often was near the empty end.
But as I got in to some serious honest therapies had a big impact on my recovery.
I in time would be able to articulate my feelings and emotions, I would also talk about my past life before I found my recovery.
My honesty in my therapies reduced my fears.
My honesty in my therapies inreased my trust in my self and in others.
I would see and hear my self in other people.
I would be completely humbled to be an equal to all people no matter how long they were in recovery.
On seeing new members come in to the meetings I would see how I use to be before my reovery.
Traumatized, lost confused, feeling filled with guilt shame regret, the simple truth I had lost all faith and hope in myself.
I view the recovery program as a healing process for the hurt inner child in me who never was bale to heal from the trauma in my life.
I had been asked to do talks but always found reasons excuses why I could not do it.
Then a smart lady tricked me in to doing talk at a convention and told me it was only half an hour talk.
It came just a week or so before the convention and the lady apologized to me and told me it was not half an hour talk, but an hour and a half.
Well being scared did not cover it.
I walked in to convention room and my biggest fear was being asked a question that I did not understand or could not answer.
I thought that I would never survie doing that talk, and in time I did over two years in a recovery center.
Then one day at the center I was asked a question I did not know the answer to.
I just laughed and said I would get back to that question later on.
Is it just words or text that recovery is all about.
I think it is being able to talk about feelings and emotions that other people can relate to.
I have been in recovery longer that some people have lived.
I have become more spirtually healthier as I open my self up even more.
It is important to identify unhealthy habits and turn them in to healthy habits.
In my recovery I found that expressing gratitude and appreciation to all people was an expression of my values.
That expressing gratitude and appreciation is not person pleasing or a*s kissing.
That my expressing gratitude and appreciation to all people buils up emotional intimacy with all people.
This week a person in our street starting to chat with me and one topic that came up was our fears and how they disable us in our life and in our relationships.
The reason I had so many fears was due to the pains not healed in my life.
I also understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains fears and frsutrations.
I also understand that my anger was a very unhealthy habit which started earlier in my life.
Being a much healthier person is about exchanging unhealthy reaction in to healthy interaction.
That my healthy interactions is about healthy intimacy with my self and others.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Lovely post to read Dave, it’s very inspirational to hear from a person with both your experience of this addiction and such a long time without a bet. Congrats on that length of time!
I think it’s great you’ve been able to speak to groups of people about your experience. Commend you for doing so. I’m sure your words and experiences helped a lot of people, as your story helps me see that recovery is possible.
I’m 30 so you have been in recovery longer than I’ve been around, and within that time frame I’ve been 15 years gambling. To know all that time that lies ahead can be without this is uplifting. I also think there are so many underlying issues to face, mentally, relationships and purpose. You’re spot on about this. Im beginning group meetings and therapy this week so I’m looking forward to hearing how others cope, and what more out of life we can get.
Wish you all the best, look forward to reading more or speaking in future.
CJ
THank you for your comments and relating to my recovery.
The sooner we get in to a recovery program the sooner we heal and the ehalthier we become.
Sadly some people might think abstaining is what recovery is all it is about.
For me only by abstaining could the healing of my hurt inner child even start.
All the best with your sharing and giving of your self to the recovery.
Pay it forward.
Thanks
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, not weak not bad not good just emotionally vulnerable.
The recovery for me was about abstaining from my addictions and obsessions then start to heal the hurt inner child in me.
One of the big things I did with my recovery was to sit my self down and write every fear I had in my life.
Then to give each one of my fears a number out of ten.
One those fears and stresses was Christmas time.
The build up to and then the down side of making payments.
For me it was it was very much about person pleasing, it was about paying back people because of my guilt and shame.
I even use to think it was abaout repairing my relationships.
Then I also saw Christmas as stressful duw to my fears of emotional intimacy.
The came to question why I did things at Christmas did I give of my self unconditonally expecting nothing what so ever in return.
I has been married some time and then asked my wife Shirley what was love.
Her expanation was very simple, giving of your self unconditionally. What was that.
Why woud I every year take some thing which is supposed to be very healthy and trun it in to a very painful and stressful situation.
I use to do the Christams cards at the very last moment.
The I got to understand no ne was stressing me out, I was doing it to my self.
I was causing my self out pains and fears and for what reason.
This year Shirley and I talked about what we both wanted and needed at this Christams.
Nothing material just to be completely relaxed comfortable and to just enjoy our selves.
In effect to have a very healthy intimate time with each other.
I use to say that work stressed me out, that people stressed me out, that finacnces stressed me out.
I use to say that people stressed me out, the truth was it was very my unhealthy reactions.
I now better understand what my my emotional triggers were.
My emotional triggers were my pains that I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears that I could not reduce or face.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom because I was not able to be productive with my time.
My fears caused me to procrastinate for far to long.
My fears caused me to avod emotional intimacy and to be honest wth others.
In time I got to understand that only abstaining could I start to heal from the pains of my past.
The deeper the therapies I got in to the more my fears were reduced, the more my trust grew.
It was simple not enough for me to abstain from my addictions and my obsessions.
In time I would take each unhealthy habits and exchange them in to healthy habits.
For sure I was a time waster.
For sure I was a lone and feared emotional intimacy.
For sure I was a procrastinator surprise surprise.
Love peace healing and a merry Christmas to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
