Hi - I think I need some guidance so my CG is trying to walk away from our relationship as he says that he knows how bad he gets and he can see the signs, he said the way forward is to walk and shut himself off from the world and he will get over this period, he hasn't sought any kind of therapy or dealt with his situation properly.
The question is do I let him go? I have fought against him he's saying it's the best thing for me, to me that isn't what I care about I don't believe you leave someone when things are bad, so for now he's staying but am I doing the right thing? Or should I let him leave? Am I making it worse by him staying?
I've found groups local for him to attend and he is willing to do this, I think he needs to look at a long term fix rather than short term, but if me making him stay and face it is going to do more harm then I also don't want to do this.
Any advice would be appreciated
IME experience he may mean it he may not. It could be a ploy to get you off his back so he can gamble in peace, it could mean (as in my case with much the same spiel) he's dug himself a hole so deep he cant see the way out of it but doesn't want to admit it or he could actually mean it. It's very,very hard to judge what's real and what's not when living with an active CG.
If he wants to go it won't be a case of you letting him or not, he will do it just as he will carry on gambling if he wants to. You can't control what he does but you can control how you react to it. Keep the focus on you and what you need. Make sure he can't access your finances, cash or valuables and sever as much financial association with him (if any) as you can. Protect your own interests and then you can see whether he means what he says about stopping.
There are things he can do right now, today which would virtually eliminate his access to gambling. Action speaks louder than words and you need to see proof of everything he says he's done for yourself. Woolly promises to attend local groups just don't cut it.
Thanks for the reply, he has said he will give me his bank card, after reading around here I'm going to phone my service provider to have the sites blocked where I can, so taking control of the banking situation and then blocking I think is all I can do every other change needs to come from him
I just didn't know if I was fighting to keep it when I shouldn't of been ? Like what's best to do? And I guess I hoped someone could tell me? I think burying his head has been his method all along and he was trying to do it again I pointed out that it wasn't a good option or he wouldn't be back here and that he needed real help
Hi again
It's a good idea to let the CG do as much of the running around as possible. Fixing the mess for them, doing the research into self help groups or counselling, getting SE's in place for them shields them from the consequences of their actions. They live in a dreamworld. Anything that P****s their bubble is a good thing.
That's not to say we need to leave them to it entirely, sitting with him to make sure those self exclusions go on, setting passwords for blockers and having full access to and control of his finances make a start to the kind of barriers he needs.
Nobody will be able to judge what's best for your situation but the starting point should be that he proves he's serious about quitting.
Thanks it's appreciated that you have taken the time to reply, he seems very much self loathing at present and I'm not sure anyone can make a serious life decision when their judgement is so clouded (as in splitting not quitting) but I just don't want to make it worse
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
