I found out last year a month after our Son was born that my Husband had been keeping a Gambling Addiction secret for me. It all came to light when I asked him where the Bonus Pay he got in July had gone & he said we'd spent it. I then asked him how much money was in our Sons savings account & he said non to which he told me he'd gambled all of the months bonus & our sons savings away & lost it all. He promised there & then it wouldnt happen again but exactly a year to the Day after going into his email account I found he'd been gambling again & this time not only using all of or savings & wages but also funded by recieving money off his mother (they had both known he'd been gamboing & kept it from me) & also from scary amounts of Payday Loans. After going through an email he'd sent the online banking info to a PayDay loan company to be able to get the loan & in that one month I worked out he'd gambled away over £27,000, £27,000 of money we didnt have. I got in touch with his mother & instructed her to stop sending him money into the account & she said it was to help him get out of debt not to use it to fund it! Either way I wasnt impressed that all of this had been going on behind my back.
He promised he would stop (as he did 14 months previously when hed done the same), that he would give me the bank cards & all the online banking details so I could access it & that he would speak to someone about his problem & that we would sit down & sort out a plan to pay it all back. Sounded so promising......
It's been 4 months and he's done nothing, he's now refusing to & turning it around to me being the problem. I asked him for access to the online banking so I can make sure that this time he sticks to his promise of no more gambling & he's now said no, i've asked him for access to our 19 month old sons online savings account & he's said no, he's given me the bank cards yet wont tell me the Pin Numbers!! He spoke to his Brother & said he was absolutely no use whatsoever. I've sat next to him with paper & pen ready to sort out how many loans he has and how much we can pay back each month (because as it stands every month since we have ended up totally broke way before payday) & he's refused out right to tackle it & he's been applying for more payday loans behind my back! Its come to the point where I dont know what else to do. He gives ME a set amount of money a month like pocket money & treats me like i'm the one with the addiction by giving me absolutely no access to any of the money. I asked him to just show me the online banking accounts & our sons online savings account & he's said no!
Hes' been owned quite a bit of money by the company he works for for the last 15 months & this month is his Bonus month again (its always the bonus month times that his gambling kicks in full swing!). So he said once he gets what hes owned he'll tackle it but its just never ending & the money hes owned doesnt look to be coming in any time soon.
Its over two weeks before payday & we once again have no money! I'm having to sell all my Jewellery that I brought myself before we even got together, Im even scavenging around the house looking for anything to sell just so that we have money to see us through till payday! I'm sick of crying over this, I'm sick of worrying over this, I'm sick of him not trying & keeping to his promises or even attempting to help himself & im so scared for my sons future! We dont own a House, we have no savings & we are both in our mid 30's.
Please any advice would be great!
Just quickly stopped by this website and couldn't leave without posting something, but apologies that it will be brief as I'm in a rush...
Firstly I want to say I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a situation. You are not alone and I hope you can find help and support in hearing from others on here.
I think it is so important that you put yourself first. Your partner is an addict and the sad reality is that he will not be doing that because he's too consumed in his addiction.
Unfortunately you can do all you can to try to help him, but the truth is it won't help him because he has to want it and do it himself. It's something that is said time and time again, but I think that so many people only realise this once they have exhausted all of their efforts in trying to help their partner to no avail - I was certainly one of those people.
Obviously this is entirely his responsibility and doing and completely not anything you should feel at fault for. That being said I would definitely think about how your actions are enabling him to continue this lifestyle.
Unfortunately the cycle you describe will just continue until something changes - ie. You decide you will not tolerate it anymore and set some massive boundaries. It all sounds very harsh and is much easier to say than do, but I think when you are going through such a bad time it surely can't get any worse anyway?
Please put yourselves first. Remember he is an adult and needs to take full responsibility of his actions and decide how he is going to change them if that's what he wants. If he doesn't want this, then I suppose it's up to how much more you can take.
I really hope you have a good support network to help you though this and of course people on here will always be ready to offer support and/or advice.
Sending you lots of hope and love.
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I found this forum to be a great source of comfort as it's good to hear from others that are affected by a loved ones gambling. Those that aren't directly affected tend to see things very much in black and white and I suppose you can't blame them.
I left my CG spouse 1 month ago and like you I heard all the promises countless times about all the things he was going to do to beat it which usually lasted a few weeks before things just reverted back to how they were before. It's not easy being apart but the relief of not having to live with it day in day out is enormous.
Like Shel says it's so important to let him sort out his own debts and problems, my worst mistake over the years has been trying to control everything when that only made the issue 10 times worse in the long run. Support for you is another big thing, do you have any other family members or close friends that you can speak to or do you have a Gam Anon meeting close by.
It's so hard to regain the trust in a relationship with a CG especially when they don't fully commit to getting better. Full disclosure is so important and unfortunately it sounds like your OH is still holding back by refusing to let you see account information. I wish you nothing but luck as you try to deal with this and these hard times will pass in time if you start to make the changes you need to now xo
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