I found out last year that my spouse has had a significant gambling problem. She has always kept herself to herself, but I had noticed a change in her over recent years. she became even more distant and unwilling to spend time with me. Through a 3rd party I found out she had misspent money. she confessed to having a colossal gambling habit, as far as i know very large amounts of money have been consumed by her habit. She was careful in how she accessed money, so that I wouldn't see where it went. it goes without saying that i trusted her with the family finances.
When things came to a head I was devastated, she sought counselling and has been active in working hard to recover. We have children who are doing well and have no idea of the issue. They are of school age.
6 months after i believed all had been admitted, i learned that a card in may name has been used (before matters came to a head), and i am now being pursued by a debt company for a significant debt. My wife knew of this, said nothing and let the interest mount.
She swore that there was nothing else there, and this has affected me more than anything.
I cant really talk to anyone about the situation, she has had considerable support from me and outside agencies. i feel partly to blame, which seems pretty standard for these situations, and I have been told that the way i have been in the past made it difficult to be open about financial issues.
I am coming to the conclusion that I am a fool to stay put, but the prospect of destroying my children's lives is unbearable.
Any advice or thoughts most welcome.
Dear WillF,
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Hi Will
You will need to access both of your credit reports so you can verify what she is saying. Creditkarma is a good one and free. You will see if there is any outstanding loan or credit cards against your names. You obviously need her consent to look up her report.
My suggestion is to never trust her again with anything related to monies. I love my husband (compusilve gambler) more than anything but part of our agreement is that i will manage our finances indefinitely and i will not completely trust him with money. With his consent, i access his bank regularly. He is using monzo and i have it on my second phone so i get a notification for all his transactions. When he gets paid every month, he keeps a certain amount to get him through the month and transfers the rest to me for bills, mortgage and savings.
You certainly are not a fool for staying and supporting but your wife should demonstrate commitment and hard work to get herself into recovery. You both need to sign up to gamstop (yes you also because she may use your name in gambling sites). GA also is a lifesaver, i highly recommend she considers attending more than 1 meeting.
She needs to reassure you and she has to follow through the action plan. You simply just can’t take her word for it. Verify everything. My husband is 3+ years gamble free and we’re happier than ever. I came to terms with the fact i can’t trust him completely with money and that’s ok. I can trust him with everything else.
I wish you all the best.
P.S.
I also suggest to get family and loved ones on board. Perhaps family members who she can borrow money from to gamble away. Compusilve gamblers are manipulative by nature. Don’t let her manipulate you by asking you to keep the addiction a secret from loved ones. If she’s not ready to tell them, at least she should ask them not to lend her money even if she asks to because she can’t manage our finances well. And you need to be there when this conversation happens.
Hi, so sorry, I have been away from this forum for a while. thanks so much for such a thoughtful and helpful reply.
Bizzarely a couple of gambling entries appeared in my bank account earlier this year, never had them before, she denied anything to do with them, but i dont know who else would have caused them to be there. Also, I dont know how she could have set up an account, to use my card. She is on Gam ban - I am not. is it possible?
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