Can feel myself getting sucked back in

Hi orchid,

I remember you. I don't really have words of advise but I do know how you feel. I'm divorced now too, a situation I never wanted to find myself in. I too struggle to let go. I'm still in daily contact with my ex - feels very strange using that term. I'm stuck in a limbo land. Can't move forward because I'm still involved emotionally. I would say that you have to trust your gut which is telling you to not to get sucked back in. You've gone through all this to protect yourself- don't take a step backwards now when you've come so far.

It it is an awful situation but one that he needs to resolve himself. I feel for you and completely understand the need to step in but stay strong.

Sorry,1 more thing, it is absolutely NOT your fault.

Hi Orchid,

That must be such a difficult situation. I feel for you. Instead of taking it all on yourself, could you help your ex to seek help for himself. Sometimes when people are really low, they cannot help themselves. Maybe if you guided him towards support, and help him seeking somewhere to live. I know if I was married to someone previously, even if it was over....I would never see them on the streets. You have to be careful though, because in his misery and despair, he could pull you down with him. Offer whatever support you can, and I wish you both every piece of luck in the world.

Julie x

Hi Orchid

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son is nearly 22 and has been gambling for at least 6 years.

We recently cut all ties with him and Im sure you can imagine how desperate we were to get to this point. He'd been made to leave several times over the years and each time he came home because it was too upsetting. This time I can say with absolute certainity he wont becoming back.

I have good days and bad days, thankfully the good days are increasing but even on the good days I miss him so much. However Ive accepted that he isnt ready for recovery and I know that if he were to come home he'd be no closer to wanting recovery and if anything would make recovery even further away.

Recovery is something only your ex and my son can do for themselves, theres nothing we can do about it no matter how sad or upset we are. This is not your fault, its not mine either and believe me it took me years to accept it wasnt, after all Im his mum surely Id missed something or could of done more but its just not true.

My son is still very young but he makes his own choices the same as your ex, evenif those choices are bad ones they're theirs to make, so wether they sleep on someones couch or any where else its up to them. If we step in and try and help or protect them from it the whole cylce begins again.

This is not your fault, nothing you have ever said or done caused this and nothing you or say will cure it, its up to him if he wants recovery. You know what life with a compulsive gambler is like, dont doubt yourself

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me.

Katie - I remember you too, we were at a very similar point when I was on here before. I hope that you are OK and find the strength to continue down your new path. You are absolutely right... one of the reasons I left was in self-preservation and I really can't afford to get drawn back in.

Julie - thank you for your kind words. Like you say, it could be way too easy to be pulled down again. All I must do is offer support at an arm's length

Phoenix67 - I have read a number of your posts and think you're an amazingly strong woman. You're right, only HE can make the necessary changes.

For you all (and other f&f) I read a poem the other day which I found quite appropriate to the situations we find ourselves in....

Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in

I am lost...

I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I'm in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in... It's a habit

My eyes are open; I know where I am

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street

I must continue to walk down another street.