Confused and hurt

Hi confused the best way is to get support for yourself. Once your behaviour changes his hopefully will. You can encourage him to find a meeting or call gamcare. He should sign up to gamstop and hand over finances. Then you will see if he wants to stop. Unfortunately you can't stop him, best thing to do is NOT give him money. Accepting this as normal behaviour, bailouts, and ignoring it , allow the gambling to continue.

Morning,

The answer to your question as how many times you “have to” go through this is once, and that once is usually because of not knowing at the time. Repeatedly going through it is optional for you, it depends on the choices that you make about your life and you and you alone are responsible for your choices. You became financially involved with him and engaged to him knowing of his problem but in four years have you educated yourself about addiction? Instead of him, look at you - what need in yourself were you trying to meet when choosing an active addict as a life partner? What made you gravitate towards someone who needs fixing or saving by your love? Active addicts are usually too busy using to be emotionally present, plus the financial instability, is this right for you and if so, why?

You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. He has the gambling addiction, he places the bets and only he can take the help he needs to overcome - that’s his choice about his life. He’s supposed to be a life partner, not a toddler that needs Mother to clean up after him.

The gambling does jeopardise the relationship but there’s nothing personal about that, he uses because he’s sick, not to get at you. But again, what makes you choose the situation that you are in?

Your decision whether to stay or go will have zero effect on whether he gambles because his gambling is not within your control. Ultimatums to get him to stop are manipulation. Better if you focus on yourself, looking at who you are, your values, your needs and life choices and whether you’re getting what you want from your relationship with him. Base your choices on you and not anyone else. You’ll find the help you need via GamAnon, CoDA or therapy. This will help you to find the strength to say no to the requests for gambling tokens and resist manipulation.

In the meantime, protect yourself financially. Stop paying, directly or indirectly.

CW

Hi Confused, firstly the advice of MGR and CW is is exactly right. My advice is from the other side of the fence as the ex gambler. I was finally able to quit because I wanted to after too many years of suffering for me and everyone around me.

Absolutely nobody could make me quit by threats or ultimatums. Your partner has to really want to quit and at times it is not easy. When I first came here the post I read was 'Want to do something' by Mixer. You will find it in the new members intro section. Your partner should read this and see if he is prepared to committ to the advice.

I am almost a year clean and everyone is in a better place, not just me. My partner has never paid my debts as it is not her problem and I am happy for her to control my finances.

All the best

Agree, my OH is a CG and has let means ourfsmily down for the 4th time recently, I feel the early years of our relationship I was oblivious he asked for loans for things and I never really clocked on to what was going on, the last few times he’s had to own up, they will never quit if unless they really want to, ultimatums don’t work he has to want to do it himself!

youll soon find out whether he wants to put the wrongs right or not, I really hope he does prove to you and stops, my OH has and is trying by going to meetings and chatting on forum, but sadly that doesn’t fix everything, I’m really struggling this time around...but we are 10 years down the line!!

I wish you all the best, whatever happens I’m sure you will be fine x