Do I believe him?

Hi,

I was a compulsive gambler for many years and have been clean for 128 days.

The title of the thread is "do I believe him?" The answer is NO.

We cg's develop, practice and preach our lying skills to partners and loved one's on a daily basis as we are looking for the next "fix"

My wife has taken control of all finances. I have no bank card and if I need cash I get it but must provide receipts to the penny.

If a cg wants to stop they must take steps to show. Whether it be GA or gamcare counselling, giving up finances. Whatever. We have all broken the bond of trust. What matters is serious positive steps to rid himself of this addiction.

I am sorry if I have painted a gloomy picture but it is probably best to face the worst now and try to move forward. There are partners of cg's who post on here and they will be able to advise from that side. I can only comment from the gamblers side.

Best wishes

Many of us reach our rock bottom after difficult experiences and like Balvaird says the desire to change for a compulsive gambler / problem gambler / addict needs to be purposeful. Both of you need to commit to the process long term.

Have you thought about having some counselling at the same time? Gamcare offers this normally free of charge. Get in touch. It can help to get a different point of view and expand ways that change may affect you too.

Some thats the positive. It may happen but my experience as a gambler also says keep one eye open. I'm an addict and will always be whether i gamble or not. That being said through recovery, counselling, attending GA weekly for years now change is possible and many do turn their lives around.

So my experience says hope and work on giving for the best but plan for the worst too. Having open communication with your partner and being clear what you can expect from each other. Its made a real difference in my family and while its not easy we all say its worth it.

Hope this helps

Hi, Lost,

I have been in your position but I'm not now. The short answer to your question, in my opinion, is No.

My husband is a CG, we're long term married, children aren't babies, he stooped low enough to take their savings when "his" money ran out. For many years I didn't have a clue but he was always v difficult, moody, unreasonable, not that helpful. Then about three years ago, I opened one of his statements by accident and got a shock about the level of debt. I could see which website he had been donating to but he maintained that his spread betting was investment and investments go up and down. He said he would stop "investing" but he didn't accept that he had a problem, he didn't hand over any financial control; he remained secretive, wouldn't show me any financial papers, (including those relating to the children's accounts!!!). So although I was suspicious, I couldn't prove anything; he covered up his gambling, his behaviour remained moody etc and thinking back, I don't know why I stayed!!

This time round it's very different. It started a few months ago when my eldest wanted to sort out his finances in readiness for uni, initally my husband denied gambling but he was exposed, his denials were unsustainable and with the support of the children, we gave him an ultimatum to get help or go. So he caved in, admitted it for the first time and his behaviour now is very different. He handed over full control of the finances to me (he gets minimal pocket money), answers our questions, goes twice a week to GA, he cooperates with all barriers (not always happily but it has improved over the last few weeks). His mood swings have settled down.

I still find the emotional aspects difficult but I'm quite keen on the practical protective measures. I got full credit reports from all three agencies to make sure that there was no credit that I didn't know about, we wrote to all websites that he used requesting permanent self exclusion, we put notices on his credit reports saying that he doesn't want credit. Nothing's certain but these measures help reassure me.

Wanting to stop has to come from him, you can't make him, you can't do it for him. He sounds like he's where my husband was three years ago, half measures, lip service but leaving the door wide open to gamble. I very much regret tolerating it but it's very hard to tell gamblers' manipulation from reality, I thought that it was me, that it was the ups and downs of married life. Now, though, I know that it was abusive (financially, possibly emotionally, not physically), it was wrong for me and the children. This time round, I am staying because he is in recovery (at the moment), the abuse has stopped and it's not easy but we are trying to rebuild.

It's your call as to where you go from here, what you do or don't tolerate. Get help for you, don't let him tell you to cover it up, tell someone you can talk to. I had counselling and it helped.

Also, there is a separate family and friends section, you may get more replies.

Take care,

CW

Sorry to agree with the majority Lost, but it's a definite NO sadly. Half measures will not cut it. I've 'tried' these and always failed. It's all or nothing.

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Thank you. Really hard to read this but I know everyone is right. Sometimes you want to believe he wants to change but the cycle just keeps repeating 🙁

I thought I wanted to change for years...Truth is, I just wanted to stop losing! On top of this, I have spent years willing my Mum to break the cycle...Only now can I see, only she can do that!

A CG ready to quit rately has any self worth to lose! Please get yourself some support, either through Gamcare or Gamanon...None of this is your fault & as usual, the one person who should be comforting you through this darkness is the one who keeps switching off the light!

Stay strong - ODAAT

He has finally given me his login details which reveals the true extent of his losses. Devastated is not even the word. Everything now makes sense in what happened the last couple of years. I used to believe it was me i contributed to it but I know now he had it before I even knew him.

For those that , have gone through the uphill struggle after their partner acknowledges their is a problem, what is my journey now? Does it gets easier or this is another battle? Lost

Hi, Lost,

I'm sorry but not surprised, have been there. Without wanting to make things worse, can I urge you to get the £2 statutory reports, yours and his, from the three main credit reference agencies? These will reveal all credit and applications, it's better to know.

I spent years thinking it was me and it's one of the things I haven't come to terms with. Pangolin seems to have been more successful in letting go.

But at the moment you need help for you, it's huge, call GamCare, find a GamAnon meeting, tell someone.

If he shows you real commitment to recovery, ie he goes to GA, puts up and cooperates with all possible barriers, helps organise how he is to repay these telephone numbers, gives you time and space to come to terms with it, for me, these were the minimum steps before I was prepared to stay. It wouldn't be easy to break up because of the length of our marriage and the kids but there is no way that he could have stayed in the family if he'd carried on gambling.

So has your husband's position changed from last week, is he showing you that he's ready to stop? And even if he is, are you prepared to stay? You shouldn't sacrifice your life, you'll get no thanks for it. If he commits to genuine recovery and you are able and willing to come to terms with it, you could be happy again, it has been done but it's not easy.

Post on the family section of the forum, you'll get more replies from wives and partners.

Take care,

CW

My husband says he wants to stop and is going to give financial transparency. But I just can't get over the hurt and betrayal. He promised me so many times in the past and failed. I believe that apart of him wants to change but it does feel like he is not ready to hear my pain and feels like I'm going on too much. Just can't do this anymore as I'm mentally, physically and emotionally drained right now. This has been going on for 5 years and had an addiction before we got married so maybe 7 years. Too tired.

Hi, Lost,

For your sake, I hope that he is using the present tense, rather than the future about transparency and GA.

I emphasise, have been there, it is v hard, v tiring. Gamblers are incredibly selfish, hopefully regular attendance at GA will help reduce this but my husband is still fairly selfish. I think you should spell out to him the effect that it's having on you - you won't cause him to gamble if you do. Communication is key. However, get external help, counselling, GanAnon, it helps to talk.

Perhaps the one day at a time idea might help? Ie you don't have to decide your whole future now, just concentrate on what's happening at the moment, today.

Hope this helps.

CW

Yes it takes some coming to terms with. And you don't have to come to terms with it if you don't feel like it. No one who actually understands this problem, really understands the depth of the hurt and betrayal, or the despair and exhaustion you described, no one who understands would blame you for walking away, but atleast here you have found people who do understand and will offer friendship whatever you decide to do.

Right now, don't worry about him, one day at a time, rebuild yourself. At the start of my rebuild, I didn't know what I could do to start, when I look back I know it was hot chocolate, I put myself to bed with a hot chocolate at night, sometimes in the afternoon too, caught up on some comfy quiet sleep time while the littlest slept and everyone else was out. Then, with financial control, I made the decision that making it to a gamanon meeting was a necessary household expense, if I didn't find a way through this myself, then we as a couple certainly couldn't. I could barely look at him at the time I was so angry / crushed / run into the ground. With some time and friendship at gam anon, I found out that I was going to be ok, it didn't matter what he did, I had the tools to be happy. Somewhere along the line he changed too and has salvaged our relationship. We are both different people now, we run our lives differently, we have more friends, I have more friends.... Anyway, I'm rambling, it gets better, don't rush yourself, be kind to yourself, it's all about you not him, which I know is hard to see, but life revolves round you now and your needs, GA will help him understand that, you don't have to explain it, you just do it, you're the only sane person in the relationship, you take priority now, one day at a time, one hour at a time, leave him to sort his emotions out, you have a hot chocolate and relax...keep talking

It is difficult for others to understand how mentally, physically and emotionally draining living with a gambler. They are so manipulative and so sweet and innocent that you fall for it each time. Getting to the bottom of the matter has been an exhausting experience. I just can't be bothered anymore. Everytime he devasts my world and I fall down in the dumps and takes me a long time to recover while I pretend to everyone, everything is ok. He carries on as normal like nothing has happened and im left with feeling betrayed and angry. I woke today feeling better but couldn't help feeling emotional, mentally and physically spent. One day at a time 🙂

How are you?

CW