My Story

Hi, Hardtry,

For me, finally getting access to the finances was such a relief that I didn't really think about other aspects. And I deal with other people's money at work so it's more of the same. Even then though, it can be a nuisance, my husband doesn't get involved and is far less interested than he should be, we're not balanced yet.

More hopefully, I have a relative a generation older than me who also found out the hard way that she had married a CG. It came to light relatively early, it was bad enough that they had to move to a smaller house, she gave him an ultimatum. They had two small children but in those days, divorce would have been a disgrace. He admitted it straight away, she accepted that it was his weakness and they overcame it, taking the usual measures. Everything was in her name and he had a small pocket money account that she didn't ask about. But she told that each month she "did her accounts", adding up income and deducting expenditure and she used to insist that he joined in with this. She knew that left to himself, he wouldn't bother. She didn't have to worry about easy credit and on line activities so in some ways it was easier for her. But they were happy, they respected each other and when he died they had been together some forty years.

CW

CW - your comment brings me hope.

So do you manage all the money, this is what I want to do however all advice is to let them do this themselves.

Another question, do your friends know. My husband is perceived as Mr Perfect and I think it will be hard for me to be in a social environment with him for a while.

I have booked for Counselling next week and so is he.

Hi, HardTry,

Yes, I do, I have to and the relative I mentioned was adamant that she did, too. She told him that was how things had to be and he must have wanted to stay as a family, they were genuinely happy. Next step for me is to "do my accounts", I think that this was one of the main reasons for their success but we're nowhere near that.

What's needed for recovery is transparency but you can't rely on what he tells you, you have to check bank statements and credit reports. I didn't get transparency last time but we have it this time, he sees the need, it doesn't offend him. For my relative back then, he could have his own pocket money account without much risk. Now I would worry about loan applications behind my back, credit is much more freely available, one of my measures has been to use our joint account for his pocket money and to close down everything else.

Some of my friends know and actually at the moment I avoid the ones who don't. Someone who knows asked me to join in a girls evening with someone who didn't and I just refused outright, can't face it. So I'm not doing well in that respect but it's been a few weeks and he was gambling for years, it will take me as long as it takes. Also, he was so busy gambling that he became quite isolated, he's still not keen on socialising so this is something that we both need to work on.

At the time, I told his parents, the school and a few key friends who would support me. This was a lot more people than he would have chosen to tell, he doesn't like it at all. Too bad. But there was a specific purpose to telling them at the time. Now that the people who need to know do know, I don't feel the need to denounce him to absolutely everyone that we know. Sorry, too much Sir Humphrey Appleby there.

You'll probably get better advice from Half Life or Pangolin on that one.

Take Care,

CW

Glad to hear about the counselling, definitely a step in the right direction.

Well in a perfect world yes they would learn to manage their money properly blah blah blah, it's too late, for MY sanity I manage the money, every aspect of it and one of the few things than can send me into a hissy fit now is him showing any sign of being controlling with money. All the advice I recieved was to 'relieve' him of financial control, yes he did the calls to step change, tracked down all the reference numbers of his creditors and other details so step change could set up a debt management plan, in that aspect it was good for him to deal with the responsibility, but his wages, the household bills, mine, all mine, which I do find a burden at times, but it is better than living with the fear of waiting to find out what would be going on with it if it was left with him.

The gamblers, as I understand it, have to make it impossible for themselves to gamble, so they let go of financial control so they don't have the money, they avoid the times where the opportunities to gamble had previously come up and they keep themselves busy and occupied with something new and relatively harmless. I'm rambling, take control, for yourself, because you need it, and your sanity is more important and more recoverable than his.

Hi, the advice on here and when i made a call said more likely to gamble again if i help him pay it back. We are a couple, joint finance so i cant see a way to do that.
I am happy to take control and have acces to his accounts

Hi, Hardtry,

To clarify, he is more likely to gamble again if you step in and pay everything off for him. He should repay his own debts as far as possible but you'll need to organise how his money is doled out. Left to him, it's a temptation.

You would get more detailed advice from StepChange but for what it's worth, I would advise you to open a current account in your name and move what you can salvage into it. Leave one joint account open to manage his pocket money and his debt repayments but close all of his other accounts. His wages should be paid into the joint account and immediately be moved out of harm's way into your account, ideally by DD that comes out on the same day. You can then use his money for household expenditure. If there are any of his liabilities to be paid, then again set up DDs from the joint account for pay day. But his debts are only paid after priorities such as rent/mortgage and utilities. The joint account should be kept empty apart from the pocket money that you drip feed him.

Hope that makes sense.

CW.