Do I believe him?

Much better today as I have just been focusing on me and rebuilding my health 🙂

Good.

Why do they think we shouldn't feel hurt and betrayed and simply get on with it as if nothing happened?

Hi, Lost,

I don't know, it's a familiar theme, others have posted along these lines. I don't think that my husband understands the damage he's caused. Maybe they can't face up to it, or it takes time for them to.

My experience is that it's better with him in recovery in the sense that the children and I agree that we can see improvement. It doesn't mean that everything's ok, far from it. I hope that GA will push him towards facing up to the extent of the damage, that would help me.

To quote Pangolin, keep talking, keep getting help and support for you.

Take care,

CW

Hi Lost - hope everything is still on the mend. Just to answer your question above, the gambler will never mean the harm they cause and tend to expect that (when gambling and despite how much they have lost) they will reverse the trend and win all they have lost and more and have a great life etc. But why they don't expect the hurt and betrayal is difficult to explain. In my case, I felt probably the less I said the better, as talking about the problem (with my wife) usually ended in arguments. Don't forget the reason for the CG is usually a deep rooted problem of another nature, so that could be why people don't open up - too scared/scarred! I wish you well.

Thank you for all your messages. I have had space to concentrate on myself and come to terms of the deceit or trying to at least. Not been easy at all but I can only control my actions and thoughts only. having space helps me to realise how manipulative he is. He is able to divert the issue from the gambling to petty problems and placing the blame on me. In the past by staying in this toxic environment, it eroded my self confidence and self esteem on all levels. I finally know I am not to blame for his addiction.

Detrimental - would you be able to give me more insight about deep rooted problem ?

Lost12345 wrote:

Thank you for all your messages. I have had space to concentrate on myself and come to terms of the deceit or trying to at least. Not been easy at all but I can only control my actions and thoughts only. having space helps me to realise how manipulative he is. He is able to divert the issue from the gambling to petty problems and placing the blame on me. In the past by staying in this toxic environment, it eroded my self confidence and self esteem on all levels. I finally know I am not to blame for his addiction.

Detrimental - would you be able to give me more insight about deep rooted problem ?

Hi Lost - tricky one, because every case differs. Having gone to counselling a few years back, I discovered some insecurity from my childhood, as my Dad was violent and suffered with severe depression. My Mum was great and I always had good friends, but deep down, my Dad's situation eroded my confidence and this manifest itself in weird ways e.g. I developed a phobia of flying in my late teens and also believe I have often used gambling as a screen to 'dumb down' or escape facing up to certain emotions. Gambling would dull the pain, but obviously at the same time losing money created its own problems.

I would think it's rare for a CG to be one just because they want to and just don't care. There may be the odd one, but usually there's another reason for the lack of control/compulsive nature of a gambler.

You cannot allow the 'toxic environment' any more, not for a moment. It does seem totally unfair that the blame is pushed to you, but that is all part of the problem. This way around it leads to squabbles, which lead to upset, which leads to gambling to escape the upset, which leads to blame for the upset and around we go again! Many GCs 'create' a situation which allows them to storm off and get what they really want...a fix.

I would recommend counselling for him/you both. OK I have fallen off the wagon many times since I had it, but because I did, I found it easier to re-quit (if that makes sense) each time.

You are not to blame in any way shape or form and he is very lucky you are standing by him. Keep control of the finances at all costs. Hopefully you will start to notice a change. It will be tough at first, but keep at it.