Do I leave

Hi @Roo17 

From your post it sounds like you are continuing to have a really difficult time and your husbands behaviour surrounding money and his gambling problem which is now impacting on your wellbeing and sleep.

I observed that you published your post at 5.28am.Our live chat and helpline on 0808 802 0133 is available 24 hours a day. 

Please do call contact us  you do not need to be alone with this, we can have a chat about how you are feeling, your options and the support available. 

All the best 

Helen

You need to be honest with your self on this and think about the reasons for walking away for a few days (this is not a dig by the way).

Are you walking away because you really want him to understand how much the situation is affecting you, or is it because you feel aggrieved by the whole situation and just want to put some of it back on to your partner. It's important for you to understand exactly why you are doing it as if you walk, what will happen if your partner does not fight for you and just walks away?

I am not trying to defend your parner, but from what you have written it appears that he is on the right track; gamble free for 7 months and sending you his money each month. It will not be easy for him as it is difficult to hand everything over each month - he may be embarrased aboutthe whole situation and if he is anything like me, struggles with actually sitting down and having a conversation about important things. 

One thing i would not be doing is giving your card for him to by smokes; you could consider setting up a basic bank account and let him have a set amount each month but to stop him having to ask you for money (which will relieve some of the pressure) but only if you think he could handle the responsibility. 

Its a long and hard process coming to terms with an addication (for everyone concerned) so my main point would be to think clearly before you make any rash decisions 

Hi, 

Thanks for the reply, it's what I wanted to hear.. It's mainly cos he how much he hurt me that's why I want to do but I love him loads and I know he loves me just as much. And like you said he is making the right steps. 

He doesn't want an allowance or anything and I do trust him with card as he's never actually used my money it's always been his and the inheritance he had. I fully trust him in that way. 

I've decided that I may seek help myself to try understand it more and that I can offload a lot stuff rather than put it onto him and blame him. 

I really do appreciate your feedback and being honest. 

Hi Roo, 

What you are going through is not uncommon for a gamblers partner; your relationship has been tested and so has the trust. I am not sure if it is still running but my local GA used to run a meeting for gamblers partners were they could discuss the issues that they are facing. My mrs used to attend this and it helped her realise that a lot of people struggle with the burden of a gambling addict - it was a strange journey as she became very distant after attending the first few meetings but eventually things started to work out well. 

If you don't want (or can't) attend GA, you could write a letter to your partner explaining everything that your feeling or confide in a close friend. 

It's important to get a realistic perspective on your situation and make sure you don't make any rash deisions just to score a quick couple of points (we have all been there at some point in a relationship) - the quick couple of points that are scored often result in much longer hardship down the line. 

Another option is to call someone like the smaritans and explain the situation to them - they will listen. Sometimes just venting at someone down the phone will help as it will give you a clearer perspective. 

If you love each other, stick with it. It seems that you both have a system in place, he is not gambling and you have oversight of the money. Personally i hate money as it just causes arguments. End of the day it's just little bits of paper (well, plastic polymers now 🙂 ). 

Hello, I hope to one day be brave like you and tell my story.  I haven't told my story yet because there are so many twists and turns even I can't keep up. I play the movie over and over again in my head and it is never a happy ending.  The wounds that won't heal are my entrance into death. My body and mind have taken a fast train downhill. It's trauma, similar to PTSD. It's our alarm system in overdrive, fight flight or freeze for a dangerously long time. When we don't feel safe, we feel danger is coming and we gotta be prepared. He has to do some uncomfortable work to help you heal. You've been betrayed, love isn't enough to heal you. Find some videos of betrayal trauma. You can't help how you are reacting to fear, once you feel safe l, it will be less. I read that it takes just as long to heal as the length of the time it took to hurt you. Do it soon, your heart is probably beating too fast and it's dangerous, unhealthy, and mentally exhausting. Look up Kristen snow I think that's her name but she's an expert in betrayal trauma, to explain how gaslighting, manipulation, minimizing, unvalidating, lies, and all the pain affects your mental and physical health. She says it's like having a bear in front of you all the time. And unless somebody's been betrayed they don't know what it feels like so talking to a lot of people is like unhelpful only because there's so much to explain it's so complicated you end up feeling like you're just crazy person talking a mile a minute about how bad someone is behaving when it's so much deeper than that. And it doesn't hurt to learn this even if your boyfriend is better or getting better or getting positive results from you. Learning this information is helpful for you because it will teach you that your body is keeping score you know how to explain it better to people and you'll have to learn to trust yourself again. Take care, Kelly

Posted by: andywilliams1187

Hi Roo, 

What you are going through is not uncommon for a gamblers partner; your relationship has been tested and so has the trust. I am not sure if it is still running but my local GA used to run a meeting for gamblers partners were they could discuss the issues that they are facing. My mrs used to attend this and it helped her realise that a lot of people struggle with the burden of a gambling addict - it was a strange journey as she became very distant after attending the first few meetings but eventually things started to work out well. 

If you don't want (or can't) attend GA, you could write a letter to your partner explaining everything that your feeling or confide in a close friend. 

It's important to get a realistic perspective on your situation and make sure you don't make any rash deisions just to score a quick couple of points (we have all been there at some point in a relationship) - the quick couple of points that are scored often result in much longer hardship down the line. 

Another option is to call someone like the smaritans and explain the situation to them - they will listen. Sometimes just venting at someone down the phone will help as it will give you a clearer perspective. 

If you love each other, stick with it. It seems that you both have a system in place, he is not gambling and you have oversight of the money. Personally i hate money as it just causes arguments. End of the day it's just little bits of paper (well, plastic polymers now 🙂 ). 

Hi andywilliams1187, 

Thanks for yoyr reply, you have helped me more than I thougt with your reply.

He always says he hates money also and its the route to evil, which yes it some ways it is.

Thankfully I'm not bothered by money if you know what I mean.i do love him to bits and know he is the same. I've just got to get passed the pain and like you said not tic or tac which I was want g to do.

I have seen there is ga place near me, I have emailed to see if they can help me as I think for myself it would be good.

I just do wish sometimes that he would seek help but he never will but that's his choice, I figure if I can get advice I can always share it with him.

He went 4 years without gambling so let's hope this time it will be it.

Thank you again.

Hi Roo, 

It reads like you have had some time to process everything and think a bit clearer; there will always be times when we want to make a spur of the moment decision but it often helps to take a bit of perspective and think things through first - don't act of emotion (i know it's easier said than done!)

I can relate to your partner not wanting to seek advice - i will be honest, GA didn't work for me it actually had the opposite effect. Being sat in meetings 3 times a week with people discussing gambling just made me want to go out and gamble more. In the end i just found a healthier addiction (fixing cars/bikes) which keeps me occupied. 

End of the day money is just pieces of paper with pictures on it, made to stop people beating each other up just to get something to eat. For some reason that has always stuck with me. 

The situation you are in, really has two seperate though processes at the moment. Your partner is thinking "Ive come clean, given the mrs control of the finances. If i don't have access to funds I can't gamble so we can move on from this". Your probably thinking "didn't realise how bad this was, what else has he not told me, can i trust him again, who is this person". It's a bit of a power struggle and your partner has probably not realised the burden that it has put on you. I really do think that even if he won't get any advice, you should do so as you have now become the household accountant so its a lot of stress to take on. 

But please think any decisions through - don't make threats that you can't follow through with. Ive seen it happen before with really strong couples and one of two things happen. Either you follow through with it and it ends the relationship. Or you don't follow through with it and then the next time it is said, the threat has no validity and won't be taken seriously. Don't back yourself into a corner as it significantly reduces your options. 

It really does sound like you have a strong relationship; if GA don't get back to you defo consider the smaritans or Gamcare - ideally you want people who understand how hard the gambling road to recovery is. A lot of people (even professional counselors) fail to understand how impactful it can be as there are rarley any physical signs of distress or self-harm, it is nearly always financial hardship. 

Good luck with everything i think you will make the right decisions but advice is always around on the forum as well if you want to post a follow up/new thread etc. 

Oh and happy new year 🙂

Good afternoon Roo17, 

I am in a very similar situation to you and your partner. I have been gamble free from May 31st, going through counselling and self exclusion both online and the shops within 20 miles of myself. My partner or should I say ex partner did not stick around. I can only talk from your partner's side but what he needs now more then anything is your support, just to be there for him, if you both love each other then you can get through this, it will bring you both closer together, that I can guarantee you. 

I hope you and your partner the best for the future and hope you can work through this.