Hi everyone.
I'm hoping someone will read this so I don't feel quite so alone.
I'm messaging on here because I can't talk on the phone to the helpline.last time I did, I thought I'd be honest and let him I need support too but he didn't like it, didn't see why me or anyone else would need to talk to people they don't know and that I should have spoken to him. But I can't speak to him. He just complains that I'm either interupting his positivity when he feels ok and making it worse when he's down. I just feel like I can't win.
We've been together over 10 years and he's been gambling for almost that long. I have over the years done a lot (but not enough according to him) He has blamed his gambling on several things over the years and he stops for a few months every now and then.
I took out a loan for him and then refinanced it. (On top of lending him money over the past few years) He promised this time it would be better, that he wouldn't be out of work or leave me in a mess and then last month he quit his job because he said the job was making him unhappy and that's why he was gambling. I personally believe he has depression. He refuses to get help for anything.
Things have been difficult in the relationship and a lot of that has come from his behaviour. He gambled away his last pay from his job and expected me to refinance the loan for a longer period with a two month pay break so he could not work and sort himself out. I said no and he has barely spoken to me. He believes I am letting him down, that I am not supporting him and that I've never done enough. I think it's going to break us. As now he is using the fact I won't refinance as a way in to saying it will never work between us. He has done this in the past, said we'll be over and I've caved and said yes to loans or refinance and I can't do it this time. I've had enough. He didn't even apologise for putting me in the situation he has done. He owes me over ВЈ1,500 and this loan I'm stuck with paying is nearly £150 per month for 2 years. I'm tired of it. He comes across as so ungrateful. I'm feeding him (we rent from a friend who is letting him off with his part of the rent) and trying to be there for him but it seems that's not good enough.
He says i'm just taking the easy route out and not helping him. The easy route would not have been this. He thinks this is easy. He doesn't seem to appreciate anything and doesn't recognise how his actions over the years and behaviour have impacted me or our relationship. He says he does bit disregards it when I say I might need support and that the answer to this problem shouldn't be me refinancing again.
Hi no84
I am a recovering CG.
I am sorry to learn about your current situation.
You may not realise it, but by paying off his debts you are enabling his gambling. They are his debts, his problem, he has to pay for his actions. For 10 years you have been bailing him out. Enough!
As for his threats about your relationship? At the moment the only relationship that he is interested in is the financial assistance that you are providing. This must stop now. I can't tell you whether he is serious about ending the relationship, but is this the sort of relationship that you want anyway? Do you want another 10 years of the same?
I can tell you that he will continue to gamble unless he really wants to stop, and puts measures in place to help him stop. It is his choice to gamble or not. Just as it is your choice whether to put up with him gambling or not.
If he does want to stop, both GA and counselling are available to him. It won't be easy but it is entirely up to him. He has to be willing to put the effort in, and put in the barriers necessary to prevent him from gambling again.
Never, ever blame yourself for his gambling. He will try (and has) put the blame on you. He is trying to make you feel guilty for not bailing him out. DON'T! Bailing out gamblers is the 1st thing you learn NOT to do. His actions have consequences that he has to face by himself.
Can you get yourself along to a Gamanon meeting? You will get a lot of support there. You need to start looking out for number one at the moment.
Best wishes
Hi,
I am the wife of a CG, now in recovery but before he got there I was in a similar position. My husband wouldn't let me go to a GanAnon meeting at a time when I thought there was a problem but he denied it. I didn't go, kept the peace, we had a nice evening together instead...but the gambling and associated behaviours continued for another three years.
I say this next bit with the best of intentions: he has got you right where he wants you. You have been persuaded that as a loving gf you should take pay for him, that the problem is yours, that you shouldn't nag or complain, that if you take a stand he will end the relationship because of your behaviour. NONE of this is correct, none of it. CGs lie and manipulate, and if you read this forum, you'll see this theme over and over. I also ended up thinking thinking that black is white, that what was actually abusive was normal. Compulsive gambling isn't normal. It's fair enough to expect his love and attention (both of which presumably are being diverted by the gambling), it's normal that you should be concerned about each other, normal relationships don't involve the mood swings, secrecy and in our case, dishonesty, that comes with gambling.
My advice is to read this forum, call GamCare (surely he's not there the whole time), go to GamAnon. Hopefully these will give you support and advice so that you've got a better idea of what is normal and you know what to expect. It's much easier to deal with a CG when you know that you're been lied to and maipulated then when you believe what he's telling you.
Two key points: he controls his gambling, not you. He does NOT gamble because of what you say or don't say, or do or don't do. Secondly, whilst active, he will gamble whatever money or credit he has access to. So by paying for loans or even essentials, you are contibuting to his gambling fund.
In my case, I found out three years ago, got denials, lip service and half measures, the gambling continued. It blew up again recently, this time the evidence was there that he had taken the children's money (bank statements) so I stopped believing the lies and with the children's support, I gave him an ultimatum. Still not easy but he is in recovery, he handed over the finances, we put barriers up, he goes to GA. Most importantly, it's admitted, out in the open. Generally, it's very different to first time round because the abuse has stopped.
Keep posting and take care,
CW
You are not to blame for this situation, yes you are being blamed, but that's just because you are what he can see at that moment, when was at work, work was blamed, he loading the blame onto anything else rather than face up to that fact that it's all his own fault. You say he has left his job because it makes him depressed etc etc, it might be that he has been fired for dishonesty and so on at work, really I had no idea of the extent of my husband lies until he was well into recovery, so many things had slipped by seeming plausible while I tried to battle with the most obvious things.
I echo everything CW has said, I ever thought I was the sort of person to tolerate an abusive relationship, but the most insidious part of an abusive relationship is that the abused thinks their life is normal. start talking to family and friends about what is going on, start planning how you would walk away form this, for many of us, knowing we can walk away give us the mindset to find we can change things. You are the only sane person in this relationship, trust your own judgement. Let your eyes open, when you are feeling sympathetic you can see him as a man with an illness and detatch from what he is saying and doing and keep doing what is best for the family as a whole, on your less charitable days, you can see him for the manipulative health hazard he has become at this point, and also detatch and do what's best for the family. I'm rambling, my point is stop listening to the raving insanity that comes out of a gamblers mouth and take control of your own life, there are always people willing to help you do that if you start talking.
Thanks everyone. I think i may ring the line again. He's going out now to his brother's house. I know I can't put up with much more. I think it is over this time. He is adament it's over and that as he is never going to gamble again that when he looks back at this time of his life he will see me as the person who didn't support him when he needed it. It breaks my heart. After all I have done for him to say that. He wants me to move out and the friend whose house we rent is quite happy to let him live there on his own rent free I think.
There have been other issues in the relationship and i'm not perfect and I've never given up on him but now maybe I need to. I'm emotionally exhausted and even crying as I type this and I keep telling myself I need to be strong. I feel so annoyed and some of his friends have shown support on Facebook and it feels like he's trying to say they support him and I haven't. Yet they've not been there and I have.
You may not realise it now through your tears & pain but there WAS nothing, just as there IS nothing now, that you can do for him, except look after you! The partners & Wal have said all there is to say but I just wanted to fly by with another nod of support! 10 years is a long time to put up with the sort of nonsense us CG's spout! Who cares what his friends think, what do they know! Phone the helpline, tell someone, get to a Gamanon meeting & hang around here...This is his problem, not yours & you need all the support you can get from everywhere because he sure won't be giving you any whilst his attention is all spent on his addiction.
Chin up & look after you - ODAAT
It's not you, it's him.
In normal relationships, it takes two to argue. But it's different in a relationship with an addict. In our case, when I discussed it with the children this time round, I felt constrained because parents are supposed to present a united front. But for the time that he was in denial, the children understood that I was absolutely right and he was absolutely wrong. It's pretty much the only time when this would be the case but in the extreme situation of addiction, there's no doubt. So believe Pangolin, you are the sane one.
It does hurt, we've been there, the lashing out can be vicious. But really? Does he think that you'll look back on this period in your life and think what a fabulous man he was, how he would have done absolutely anything for you, how much he valued, respected and loved you and why oh why were you mean and horrible enough to stop paying for his gambling?
No. What you were hearing was Gamblers' Proverbial, treat it as such. Tough love is correct. Call the helpline as often as you need to, ask for counselling, tell someone.
Look after yourself.
CW
Hi no84
Unless people have been put thru what you have with your partner, they have no understanding or right to criticise. Therefore their criticism's have no basis. Try not to worry yourself about them.
Since I am from the 'other side of the fence', I too have not experienced what we CG's deal out to our partners and family. I only know that I would not like to live with a person like me when I was gambling.
Ignore anything on Facebook. The parents and partners, that frequent this forum have lived thru what you are going thru now. Their wisdom and knowledge comes from personal experience. Trust them.
Take care
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