Ive been with my boyfriend or at this moment in time my ex,for 4 years.Ive tried to understand his addiction and help in ways but i just get so angry. Its the lies that does it, not even so much the gambling.Its emotionally drains me and his answer is im always moody miserably. Past relationships ive been with gamblers (must attract them some how ) its different this time round as i want to be with him.. He has stole alot of money off me over time .All trust has gone . We both have a child each so effects them also. With the hurt stress upset betrayal worry i have a drink ( to relax ) not to get drunk or im addicted as he says but a release .I function normally every day work drive kids all of it . I cant talk to my family truely about it, i have his family but not as easy to do so. I feel down the constant worry with him us myself . I would like to think we could work things out but just dont know . I get nothing from him that he wants us, just cold .feel i have been used and he never loved me at all .
My sister used to have a glass of wine when she put the kids to bed every night to "relax" 6months down the line it was half a bottle a year down the line it was 2 bottles every night I said dayum babe you okay? She said its fine I only have a drink to relaxwhen the kids are asleep I kinda brought hher back to reality a glass yes a bottle no lol shes sorted herself out now but it can catch people out but "a drink" can vary from 1 to a bottle.similar to gambling just a quick spin can be £1 -£10-£100-1000 it catches people up untill they dont realise its a problem the only problem is theyve not won or cant pay a bill its not the gambling thats fine because people will defend what they believe untill death look at religion some obsess over it to the point theyre willing to kill/die for it.
Hello
I wanted to write to you so you know there are people listening to you. I am a compulsive gambler myself and it really hits home reading stories like yours as during this addiction you just have no idea of the pain your putting your family threw.
I cant speak for your bf (ex) or anyone else on here but not too long ago I remember treating all my family including my girlfriend with disrespect, i'd be moody and snappy and just unpleasant to be around. I'd like to think now i've stopped gambling im begining to be the person i was when my gf and I first got together.
I really do think your bf is miserable because of his gambling, this addiction has taken over his life and he's now become the person he has. It would help him and his relationships with his family if he owned up to his gambling and tryed to get help and counseling. Even just visiting this site. Personally I get loads of inspiration from the success stories on here and its a great community to be with to help beat the addiction.
I do feel sorry for family members that have been and are currently going through this. I think you should speak to him and ask him to get some help. I am pretty sure he will love you i just think the gambling is bringing him down and possibly making him feel depressed (although im no doctor so dont take my word for that). Ultimately you need to do whats best for you.
Josh
Thank you Markie_b for your reply this is a little how ive got like your sister more so when im down.Instead of finding the inner strength in me i have a drink guess its a excuse,with whats going on . I have just started seeing someone counselling and hope in time this with help me to think and be different.
Hi Josh93 .The only way he admits is when he been caught out , me going snooping etc . I think i truly didnt realise how bad it was till as time goes on i find more bits out. He has done GA counselling on here all of it doesnt do anythink (maybe for a day a week ) . All my trust has gone for him and i hate i dont trust him with anythink not just gambling . He now tells me to move on meet someone new be happy ,but i dont want .I see so much good in him just this addiction has taken over .I've started counselling for myself and hope this will help me. He is due to go into residential and i was worried if went then he would come out thinking wouldnt want me (selfish of me ) just felt that i would wait for him and its what he would do,Instead of being postive .I've realised maybe i havent been as supported as i could of but its so hard ,especially having no one to really turn too . Good luck with you also .
Hi,
He hasn't "done" GA. Or finished counselling. Because both, particularly GA, are ongoing programmes which require ongoing commitment and ongoing personal growth, uncomfortable a prospect as this may be. GA sees gambling as an emotional illness that can be arrested but never cured. The long term aim is to bring about a change in personality and some GA members who do work the programme have been gamble free for years or decades. They still attend meetings because they are still compulsive gamblers, there is no past tense, no finish line, no quick fix. A residential programme might help your OH get started but it won't cure him.
Keep your focus on you and what you need to do to be safe and well. He has to sort himself out, you have to sort yourself out, don't be distracted from your issues by his. The choice to consume the glass of wine is yours and yours alone, fine if you can take it or leave it, not fine if you really feel that you need it and you know the difference for yourself. In any event, it's worth going to CoDA or GamAnon meetings to get the help and support that you need to cope with the effect that his addiction has on you.
Take care of you.
CW
Thanks for you reply . His residential is for 14 wks, away from home all ..be hard on us all. His family are having his daughter. My ex oh wants to see my son every Friday still but think be to confusing for son when normally there Fri till Mon. And see him in wk also.feel I've been excluded from all the daughter what's going on everythink .apart from bits oh telling me... feeling very hurt used discarded ..I will be going to ga...now I've opened my eyes to all truly ..I need to find strength in me and stay positive which find hard ..
Hi
Cynical wife is right as always. This is about you and Im afraid it is time for some tough love and an ultimatum. You have to protect yourself and a gambler in the house is more than dnagerous to your finances and mental well being.
You arent the gambler and you cant cure it. If he realises what is important in life he wwill take the proper measures to sort himself out.
You need some control over the finances and your love must not be blind love. You need the strength and you may need some counselling yourself over this
Please ring gamcare as many times as you like because you will find the one to one voice very helpful and theraputic
Learn about the addiction and we are being very serious when saying that a gambling addiction can shred relationships. Im not saying he is a bad person. Im saying that when gambling gets a grip he wont know what he is doing and you both cant afford to waste any money in this way
Rule number one is you look after your food and housing money...you look after you until he shows you all the steps are in place to make your relationship the number 1 priority. He ideally needs to be living on an allowance and providing receipts for any spending. Even when that is done your eyes need to be wide open and it may always be within him. GA and recovery is a long term process
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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