Fiance gambling relapse - overwhelmed

Dear Summer,

Welcome to the Forum.

We are glad that you have reached out for support for yourself. It may help to even just to have a wider perspective on the issue and not just be alone with your thoughts. Another person’s gambling can absolutely cause stress for another person whether that is worrying about inconsistent finances or not knowing what they are thinking or may be hiding.

Rebuilding trust is a common theme in the relationship’s aspect of gambling recovery. You do not say if your fiancé is accessing any support for his gambling recovery journey himself. You do not have to wait for this for you to access support from us. You are welcome to have a more detailed conversation with an Advisor on the National Gambling Helpline 0808 8020 133 anytime.

We also have a Friends & Family themed Chatrooms at 12pm on Tuesdays and 6pm on Thursdays. You are welcome to attend and chat to others for peer support Chatrooms - GamCare .

Best Wishes,

Louise

Forum Admin

Hi Summer, 

Your situation sounds like mine. Ive been with my husband for 16 years married for 10 in May. I first uncovered his pram with gambling a few months before our wedding and was totally heartbroken. He convinced me and his parents it was a one off and not a problem we reconsolidated the debt and paid it off together and he put all the bans in place online. A couple of years later I found he was back at it an at that point took over the finances. Even with taking that step this cycle has continues and any amount of cash he can get his hands on he has gambled. Thankfully the damage he can do financially is minimal but the damage to me and the relationship has been catastrophic. Since the first instance of gambling I have unearthed something approximately every year, he’s never come clean or admitted to a problem and has to be backed up against a wall to be honest. He has become a shell of who he once was lacking in emotion and empathy and seems to enjoy very little. 

over the years my anxiety has taken a nose dive along with my self confidence and esteem. My advise to you would be if you need support tell those you trust around you if they really have your best interest at heart they won’t be judgemental of your partner. Suffering with this alone is not fair on you it’s not your burden to carry alone. I would also take this opportunity to have some really honest conversations with your finance about boundaries and what your future looks like. I avoided these conversations and didn’t push my then fiancé too hard out of fear of the relationship ending I know now that was the wrong thing to do for me and the relationship. My husband will be leaving the family home this weekend and won’t be returning until he goes and get the help he needs and is ready to be honest and vulnerable. The pain the lies and manipulation have caused me over the years were probably worse than if the relationship would have ended so I feel like I’ve dragged out the inevitable at the detriment of my own mental and physical health. 

focus on yourself, look at some counselling/therapy options for you, go to your GP, be open with someone at work so they can best support you with any resources they have, spend time with those you trust and love. 

if you want to chat on this thread I’d be happy too it’s hard finding someone who knows what it’s like living with a partner with a gambling addiction I find others much more compassionate and understanding for drug and alcohol addiction , it’s very misunderstood, even for people who live alongside it. 

Hi Summer and Mrs D , I often go through these chats to see if anyone resonates with how I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing too. I completely get the feeling of feeling overwhelmed. I am currently 7 and a half months pregnant with our 3rd child and only just found out about 2nd relapse. I am being met with no accountability on his side or e understanding exactly what he’s done to our relationship.

Because the debt has been paid off by his parents both times , I don’t think he’s ever had the reality of rock bottom. 

The next time it will be our mortgage or kids savings so I need to try and get out of this before it happens again, but trying to navigate the pregnancy and the two kids we have is pretty overwhelming! 

I found this counselling service called Breakeven which has really helped me break it down step by step about what I can do now and what to do in the future.

hope that helps 🙂 

Hi Summer, 

I can completely relate to your post and so much of what you have written definitely resonated with me. 

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years, but his gambling addiction started at least 5 years before we met, and we are both in our mid-thirties. He has probably lost 40–50k from gambling and it has really destroyed his life. Though he has been gamble free for the last 10 months, we've not been able to move forward with our lives and do a normal couple of things until very recently (and we are only at step one. Plans for a house, marriage and kids still seem very far off). 

This addiction is soul-destroying, not only for the addict but also for the loved ones who are also affected by it. Like yourself, I've always been quite a bubbly person, but during the dark times I had with my partner I became a complete nervous wreck, and it destroyed me mentally. 

I realized that the only person that can change the situation is the individual and, whilst I am so proud of my partner for how far he has come, I still will never trust him with certain things 100% (finances being one of them), so I am in the process of potentially buying a place in my own name, we don't have a joint account and I have full transparency of his bank statements, so I know he isn't gambling. 

The trust has taken ages to get back, but it's taken commitment from both sides, and we've had  both indiviudal and couples counselling. Communication is key, but if you both want to make it work, you can. 

I also highly recommend a woman's support group called WINGS that I became part of, which became my savior at times. They are all so supportive, and they helped me through some dark moments, particularly after my partner's first big relapse. 

I have never told anybody at my work aside from one colleague who told me they had previously struggled with gambling, but I found the support group and couples counselilng very beneficial. 

I really hope you are able to prioritize your own self-care right now, as it's important to support your own mental health and not become consumed just by your partner's addiction, which I know is all too easy to do. 

Keep talking, get the support you deserve and remember you and your wellbeing are important too, regardless of what choice you make for the relationship. 

Kind Regards, 

Jade

Hello everyone. I find myself on this page because after 16 years of marriage, my husband has relapsed again. Taken out a loan and gambled it away. Two years before it was the kids savings and before that, money from inheritance. I've just called time on our marriage as I feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't want to manage him / this anymore (we have separate bank accounts, I pay most bills and make all financial decisions). I'm fed up and I'm alone. I have no family (died / estranged) and my closest friends are judgemental and won't support me the way I need to be. This is because when I uncovered this (and drinking) six months after we got married it tainted a lot of my relationships and I no longer feel safe talking to them about this. I'm glad I found this as it sounds like maybe I am not alone. I've reached out to Wings as well, hoping that will help too. I'm sorry you're going through this all as well. I don't see any light right now, but maybe this will help.