Have I done the right thing? Heartbroken

Hi @Hannah_x23

Thank you for sharing on the forum and telling us what is happening for you the moment, this sounds really hard. Please reach out to trusted friends and family to support you. We are also here for you to help you to navigate this period in your life. We can offer free 1-2-1 support, you can find your local support service here: Find local support - GamCare

Please consider getting in touch, alternatively the helpline is there for you 24 hrs a day  Chat to us now - GamCare

Take Care

Jane

Forum Admin

Hi Hannah,

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened. You say you miss him & want him back, my advice is be careful what you wish for. If a CG isn't ready to stop there's nothing anyone can do they'll always find a way to gamble. You say he's been attening GA meetings & has a therapist, have you actually took him to a meeting ?. The fact he hasn't come clean in the first place about the debt sends alarm bells ringing.

As for photoshopping his credit reports you would need log in details not just for his credit reports, but banking & emails. Has he signed up for self exclusion ?. If he has he'll have an email confirming this. Never have any joint accounts with him & protect yourself. Never give him bail outs & remind him it's his debt if you are considering taking him back. If you give a CG money or hand outs you're simply enabling him to continue. Does he pay his salary into your bank ?, if not why not.

Tough love is required if you take him back not trust. Trust is the last thing a CG needs, it's accountability & transparency. Being able to access his credit report is the only way you can be sure he's not being dishonest about loans, credit cards etc. If he's nothing to hide he'll be happy to show you evidence of self exclusion & the full extent of his debts.

The relationship between CG & money is a toxic one, & he needs to understand this & give you complete control of his finances. Never take what he says at face value. Always check it out for yourself. This isn't being a control freak or abuse this is protecting yourself & also protecting him from himself.

I'm a compulsive gambler, my last gamble was August 2018. My wife has all my passwords  log in details & I'm so happy to have nothing to hide or to lie about I'm happier now than I've ever been in my adult life away from gambling. For sure I don't want my old life back controlled & owned by gambling firms, banks & other creditors.

Contact Gamcare & get the wonderful support they offer for both CGs and partners. If you take him back & discover the total debt is unaffordable contact Stepchange for free help & advice. 

Best Wishes

AL

@slowlearner Hi AL

Thanks for all your advice and kind words. I am very sure he was going to GA. His rationale for hiding one of the loans was that I'd already reacted badly to £17k of debt and he was worried another £10k would be too much for me to handle. 

After speaking with him today it seems he used his technical capabilities to somehow change what I could see when he logged into Experian (I literally watched him log in but he was using tools to basically change the page interface).

He had self excluded and had gamstop on all his devices but basically again because he's good with tech he found a way to get it off his phone 🙁

It seems we are going to stay apart. At this point it feels more like his decision than mine, as he has said he can't come back and keep hurting me. He's already looking at new places to stay while living at his mums right now.

I am truly devastated and don't know how to recover. 🙁

Hi Hannah, 

Coincidentally, my name is also Hannah. I volunteer for GamCare as a peer supporter and my husband once had problems with his levels of gambling. 

Even though you have already had constructive advice and support in the replies, I couldn't not leave a response to your post as it is so clear from your words the emotional impact this is all having on you. I can see from your follow up response that you have spoken further with him, and he has now began to actively back away from repairing the relationship from a romantic perspective. It also seems that this is not the outcome that you had hoped for. I can really identify with that as this once happened to me due to an addiction co-occurring with my husbands gambling.

I understand that you want him home terribly, I remember the feeling all too well but what you have been going through sounds concerning. I know that it may not be what you want to hear at this awful time but from my own experience, perhaps he really does need some time apart in order to have a better chance of beginning a journey of recovery. My husband unfortunately needed to see me rebuilding my life into something so much better for him to finally develop the motivation to start making serious changes. Within weeks id enrolled at university, made a bunch of new friends and had a great time while he figured himself out. Maybe when you are feeling a bit better and its a bit less raw, you could find something new for you that makes you happy and keeps your mind busy in the meantime while everything feels so up in the air. You could talk this prospect over with a GamCare adviser.

If you haven’t already, then I would further encourage you to make use of the services that Jane suggested. I only ever spoke to a GamCare adviser once, but it really helped me to find my strength. I also agree with slowlearner that he has to be ready to stop.

To answer the question in your post title, I can’t tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, but from an outside perspective, what I will say is that it seems that you both were very much stuck standing still before. Nothing was really improving on a long-term basis, just going around in circles. Now, at least something is happening whether it leads to the desired outcome or not. I know everything likely feels really up in the air right now but sometimes we have to wander a little in life while we figure things out and sometimes things have to be torn down before we can rebuild from the ashes. Whether you stay together or remain apart, try not to forget that GamCare is here, I can personally vouch for their services.

Take care,

Hannah

Hey Hannah. This is my first time posting on GamCare, and your message honestly stopped me in my tracks. It was comforting to read something that felt so genuine, so thank you for sharing it.

I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 12 years, and he’s been battling gambling for about 4 of them. It has brought so much debt, hiding, and hurt into our lives. He actually managed 6 months clean, and I let myself hope again. But he relapsed and ended up spending thousands on crypto and investing, and it felt like the ground just came out from under me.

What’s hardest is how much this addiction has changed him. He’s distant in a way that makes the house feel empty even when he’s here. I miss the person I used to come home to. I miss feeling connected to him. I miss feeling like we were a team.

I love him, but I’m tired and I’m scared. I don’t know how much more I can take, and it hurts to even admit that. I feel stuck somewhere between wanting to help him and realising how much this is breaking me.

Your post made me feel less alone in all of this. Hearing someone else speak honestly about their experience reminded me that what I’m feeling is valid. Thank you for that. Keep choosing yourself. seeing someone else do it gives me a bit of hope I’ve been struggling to find.