My wife and I have two kids together. She is currently 4 months free of gambling, but I'm just really struggling in dealing with my feelings.
So about 4 months ago, I truly found out how bad my wife's gambling addiction was. She had gambled 150k nzd. She stole money from me and would also ask friends and family to help out to pay the bills. She would then use that money to gamble again. When I found out the first time she promised she would stop. I would only find out about the gambling from by constantly asking questions and things just didn't make any sense.
I think it may have been another 2 or 3 times before I realized this was a serious problem. So eventually it happened again and I found out she was gambling again. I got really P****d, angry and annoyed etc. so I said to her you do this again and we are done.Â
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She ended up doing it again and yet again I found out from checking my account. I know I'm an idiot I should have been more on to it, but anyway the next morning I said to her I'm done. I'm leaving tonight and she got really defensive. She said that it was my fault, I should have been there for her more and how can you do this? She also texted me a bunch of stuff. So I left I ended up staying away with my parents for a week. To clear my head and think things through. I did agreed to give it another shot.Â
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She goes to meetings every week, therapy fortnightly, blocked emails and triggers. I'm also 100% incharge of the finances now. So she is doing all the right things. My wife is really trying her best and I can see it too. I'm not taking away the hard work she has been doing for her recovery. Its awesome, but I just feel heart broken, sad, angry, betrayed, deceived, and lost. I just bottle it up because she would just get upset if I express these emotions/thoughts and blame herself and cry. I just don't know if this is fixable and I don't know what to do. I know things can never be the same, but I feel so unhappy right now. I don't want to live this way. I really feel for the kids. If anyone has been through a similar situation and tried to keep the marriage alive please give me some advice.
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Dear Anonymous,
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Thank you for reaching out and describing your situation.
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Please do not blame yourself. In any relationship both parties wants, needs and feelings should be valued equally. A person experiencing gambling harm directly sometimes need time to feel ready to make changes. It is understandable to have your own feelings about this from how the situation has impacted on you. You are not alone if you have experienced confusion, stress or disappointment. Frustration and anger can sometimes be felt when we want to control something we cannot control.
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Importantly a place and space for you to be heard by a non-judgmental person or group should be beneficial. Someone separate to your usual support system as well as potentially telling someone you know for support may feel appropriate. As you mention NZD I presume you are in New Zealand you may wish to research options such as GamAnon Gam-Anon | Gamblers Anonymous Australia or SMART SMART Recovery Global
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I have included a link to our intentional support page here: International Support Contacts - GamCare
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I hope you receive some helpful peer responses too soon.
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Best Wishes,
Louise
Forum Admin
Hi,
My names Hannah and I volunteer for GamCare as an online peer supporter as I experienced gambling harms when my husband was gambling.
Firstly, it is completely normal to feel all of the feelings you have mentioned and it is normal to feel confused or conflicted with your feelings. I see your title is stating that you are struggling with your feelings and I am wondering if you are aware of the email support service at GamCare where you are buddied up with a peer supporter and you communicate via email. Users of the service can explore the way they are feeling and for many people, writing things down can be so helpful in figuring those out. I am assuming you are in New Zealand as you wrote nzd. If you are unable to use all GamCare services then maybe somewhere in your area provides a service like GamCares email peer support service and it may help you to process your feelings.Â
On the GamCare website I have only seen Gambling helpline Aotearoa, PGF Services, and gamblingtherapy.org. (Sorry I am unable to insert links on this forum).Â
Apologies if this is all not very useful but i'm sure an admin will reply to you soon with better advice.
If you have any questions regarding my own experience of rebuilding my marriage after gambling harms then please feel free to ask.
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Hannah
Volunteer Peer Supporter
Ah I see an admin replied to you while I was typing so you got some links.Â
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
