I found out my husband has been lying to me about having a job for 8 years. He has instead been gambling and trading and is in massive dept over £200,000 with credit cards and his family.
Years ago, he pretended to go to a job interview and made up colleagues and even said they were making him a partner of the company. He did impressions of them and gave them personalities. One colleague even committed suicide after spending all the companies money on a warehouse. Another got mugged and stabbed. There are many other insane stories and looking back, I can’t believe I believed it. I just had no reason not to believe my husband.
I became suspicious when he blamed the companies bank for not being able to transfer his pay. He kept getting ‘paid’ in sporadic amounts and it didn’t make sense. The company changed bank accounts 3 times and it still kept happening. He claimed the company owed him loads of money and when it comes through we would do the house up etc
He also said his main bank account was frozen after my own pay kept disappearing out our joint bank account and into his own account on the day I got paid. He said the bank had technical difficulties and would give us compensation. He even said he had been speaking to the ombudsman to get the account unfrozen. The ombudsman even had a personality and he would tell me what they said on the phone.
A few months ago I followed him to work a few times and saw he was sitting in car parks all day instead of being at work. He finally came clean after I threatened to throw him out the house unless he told me the truth. I thought he was going to tell me that the company had gone bust and he had been out of work for a bit. I never would have guessed that there wasn’t even a job in the first place. I ended up asking him to stay with his parents anyway as I was so shocked and upset that I had been in a make believe life for 8 years. We have 3 children and he lied to them too, although they don’t know what’s going on.
He has been ‘borrowing’ money off his dad which I knew nothing about. Some of this would pay our bills and some would go towards the gambling. His dad believed the same story as me that the bank are having trouble transferring his pay.
He said he did sports gambling to try and get money to do trading with. He doesn’t believe trading is gambling even though he has taken big risks and is in massive dept.
I have barely slept since finding out almost 3 months ago and have cried most days. I don’t know where to go from here. He is still trading as he thinks it is not gambling and he is still at his parents. He hasn’t told them the truth. His siblings have figured out most of it as he previously asked one of them for money and they then couldn’t find his company online. His parents still believe his lies though even though he obviously needs support and help.
The lies are so big that I don’t think I could ever trust what he says again. He hasn’t even tried to make it up to me or prove he is going to change. There has been no big apology or a promise to change. He has done little sorrys when I have messaged him about something. I we have been together 22 years and married 14 years. I’m so hurt!
Hi peachesÂ
I am the wife of a compulsive gambler.
wow
ive been married for 27 years, my husband hasn’t gambled for the last 9.
we had huge debt over many years, he earned good money but still gambled loans etc. crazy times, I didn’t work, his salary came to me so mortgage was paid. We had 2 kids.
He would say he’d stopped but hadn’t, would promise last time . First time I found out it was big debt was when our son was 18 months, 9/11 when the market crashed! He asked me to get a loan!
what helped me was Gamanon.
he eventually was ill health retired with bipolar 2. He just couldn’t function.
what I would do if I was in your shoes.
i would call gamcare and talk.
call stepchange for financial adviceÂ
be totally and completely honest, especially about the fact he got into your bank account. You need advice on how to move forward.
i would tell his parents, allowing this to continue is enabling him. He needs serious help. He’s living in a fantasy world and hoping to win it back but when he does he wants more. It’s an endless cycle. His access to money needs to be stopped.
i don’t understand how he could access £200k in debt? Do credit checks on yourself and him.
you need help and support through this. Find a meeting or talk to gamcare. Be kind to yourself this is not your fault. They are very convincing. Plus why would you not believe and trust your husband.
its tough, exhausting, terrifying, humiliating. But the main and most important thing is you both need help and you both need this to stop.Â
I was determined and found meetings therapeutic. I learnt so much from others. They totally understand.
Keep talking in here too.
Hi Peaches
I really don't know whether I should reply to your post as I've been a compuslvie gambler for 44 years. I don't want to write anything which shows any form of justification but I can't read your message and not feel your pain.
Gambling addiction is a mental illness. That's not said to put a label on it or for me to blame something other than myself. There were moments when I could have faced up to my life but I didn't have the strength and went back into the fog. I don't know how your husband was feeling and why he would go to such lengths but many lies I told were not to hide the truth but for me I didn't want to harm people with the truth. I never realised until recovery how false a statement that is. I can spend the rest of my life apologising to my loved ones but actions speak louder than words and I cannot change the past.
Firstly please take the advice from the lady that has posted as it's perfect. First and foremost you have been severely harmed and I would suggest looking after yourself and reaching out for support. Gambling addiction is worse than the most powerful drug on the planet and the harm it does to others, as I can see now, should not be underestimated. I know it must be easy for harmed family members to think they haven't done anything wrong which they haven't but there is so much non judgemental support available from people who have been there and want to help
Lastly there is no hard and fast rules but trading is gambling, end of. Raffles, scratch cards, lottery are all gambling. To me anything where there is risk and reward floods my brain with dopamine and will take me back. There are lines such as ISAs or choosing which gas tariff to take which aren't but for me even fantasy football or a free to enter competition is gambling.
I cannot possibly tell you what to do but I hope you can work out what you want for yourself and lay down those rules, whether it's to stay together and work through recovery with him which he has to agree to or finish the relationship. People can stop gambling. It will always be in me but I work each day to stop it ever manifesting again as it was my escape from life and now I don't need that. Your post will help so many people on here so my heart goes out to you for your bravery.
If you do want to give an ultimatum to your husband to move forward then I'm sure affected others can give you some advice from your side of the street and I'm more than happy to give some guidance as to what will stop and help a compulsive gambler but he has to agree to it, 100 percent.Â
Sending this post with a lot of love to you and that you find a way forward. I hope this hasn't upset you hearing from a compulsive gambler.Â
Im am really sorry to hear what u are going through this is a horrible addiction the first thing u need to do is protect yourself i have been in recovery since 2010 some people realise early on others go onto extreme lenghts however i have seen few people totally turn it around the denial stage is sadly the most dangerous part of the addiction judging by his response he doesnt see it has a problem things can change the first step is acknowleding the problem i was in denial for around 5 years once a person realises their a problem things will get better unfortunately this all varies from addict to addict u have to put yourself first and your kids👍
Hi Peaches,
Thank you for sharing your story with our forum members, who have responded so well to your post.
I just wanted to invite you to call us at any time for emotional support. Our freephone 0808 8020 133 is staffed 24 hours a day, as is our WhatsApp and Live Chat.
You mention that your sleep has been affected, and you have experienced tearfulness, which is completely understandable in the circumstances. If you would like to use the NHS for support for your wellbeing, you could talk with your GP or NHS 111.
In case you might be interested: Giving is gaining: How women support each other at "Way Forward" - GamCare
Take care,
Adam.
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