Hi everyone. I really need perspective from people who understand gambling addiction and repeated dishonesty.
My husband and I started dating in 2023. I knew he gambled recreationally and at first I didn’t have a major concern about it. At one point, he told me he had decided to quit and was self-excluding from betting sites.
One day he left his watch at my place and I saw a notification from a sports betting site with a login code. That’s when I realized he hadn’t actually stopped. It really broke my trust but after that, he showed me proof that he had officially self-excluded. I decided to move forward and try to rebuild trust.
Earlier this year, he won in a football survival league which he told me about and I was in support of. Once he won he told me several times he would invest the money in our joint stock account a few weeks past since he won the money and I did not see a deposit I was wondering about it but didn’t ask any questions and wasn’t too concerned because I trusted him. Then last night I found out he secretly found a gambling site he wasn’t banned from and ended up gambling 10K within 2 weeks and losing over $5,500 total. I didn’t know anything was wrong until I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him quickly close his phone. When I asked what he was doing, he initially said he was “looking at stocks.” After I pressed him, he admitted he had been gambling again.
The money hurts, but the lying is what is destroying me. I have told him multiple times that honesty is my non-negotiable. He has even said before that if he ever lied again, I could leave. I would have worked through a relapse if he had come to me immediately. Instead, he hid it again.
I feel so numb we have been married less than a year and I want a divorce
I’m pregnant, emotionally exhausted, and feel like my trust is completely gone. He says he’s ashamed and has scheduled therapy with an addiction specialist. But I don’t know if this is addiction behavior or a deeper integrity problem.
For those who have experienced something similar:
I feel completely closed off right now and terrified of making the wrong decision.
Any honest advice is appreciated
Sorry to disapoint you but Gamblers are expert @ Lying.Including myself. Most do not lie when they stop its the Addiction is the reason he lies.I have found i hrdly Lie when i Don't gamble.A relationship can only work if both prtiesare Honest. Relationships seldom work when they are one sided.Everybody can stop Gambling but you hve to seek help from Gamcare.Fully commited to Blocks self exclusion or even not hving a mobile phone.The Brain will automatically rewire itself when you stop, it tkes a Long time for the Human brain to adjust return to norml way of thinking. Best wishes the effort must come from him NOT YOU
Hi Mary,
Firstly, I just want to say welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I think there'll be many people that will be able to relate to your situation and support is there if you need it. GamCare run various chat rooms that will enable you to connect with people and there are also helplines/counselling/support groups etc. available.
I myself am an affected other of a gambling addict and my partner and I have been together almost 3 years.
I was a little naive about gambling addiction going into my relationship, and I was fooled by various lies and manipulation, gaslighting etc., believing in his words that his addiction was behind him and that he could no longer bet because he had self-excluded (he hadn't). He was just banned from gambling in his home country. I do, however, have a family history of addiction and traumas, and I've come to learn more about this addiction through therapy, support groups and research.
The lying for me was a real punch to the stomach and that's what let me down the most, especially during my partner's first big relapse. The addiction not only destroys the gambler, but it destroys the loved ones around them. For me, I felt hopeless. I was a nervous wreck when I discovered the extent of his lies and the money loss made me sick to the stomach, because I was really hoping, after 6 years of being single, I had met someone I fell in love with, and I wanted to have a future — kids, house, marriage etc.
My partner has been in recovery since June 2024 with two relapses in that time, the last one in June 2025 (so almost 9 months gambling free). It isn't easy, and I've really had to separate him as an addict from him, as the partner I know and love, because they are two different people and I've come to learn that it is an illness and the only way it can be managed is through proper help and recovery.
So, yes, you can stay with the person, and they can change, but they have to want to. It isn't up to anyone else, it's down to the individual to want to change. On the flip side of this, I now have very clear boundaries in place to protect myself. We have separate bank accounts. If I ask to see his bank statements for proof he isn't gambling, he sends them to me, and we've also had both individual and couples counselling for support.
My partner's addiction has been going on for almost a decade and has damaged his life massively, so we can't have kids, a house, marriage together etc. yet because of the financial mess he is in and I myself have to financially protect so that I don't get dragged into his debts etc.
I'm not going to say it's easy because it definitely isn't and there are things I will never trust him with ever again, I never openly tell him what I earn, what I have in savings, etc. I am in the process of buying a property in my name because I want to be financially independent of him. That being said, time is a massive healer, support groups and counsellking were life-saving for me and making sure I prioritized my own self-care, so I wasn't getting sucked into his mess!
It's also important to understand that every person is different, just like everyone's situation and relationship is, what works for one person may not work for another, and it's about working out what your dealbreakers and personal boundaries are.
I hope I've been able to help in some way! But whatever you choose to do, just know there is support there, and you aren't alone.
I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you choose to do, it may be good to take a bit of time out for yourself and have a think before making any decisions. I also highly recommend a support group I joined called WINGS which is a woman's only support group who have been affected by another persons gambling.
Kind Regards,
Jade
Hi Mary i am sorry to hear what u are going throw i myself have been in recovery since 2010 i was already caught out 2 years earlier by my family and friends so i had no choice to come clean 2008 however i was delustional up to around 2010 when i realised the gambling was the issue i did improve however i felt some of those people were mad going back when they were decades clean some didnt help has they had their own personal issues and Ga was a place where they could let it all out in my head i believe if i manage to get some time away i can forget about gambling i got use to this process so i was managing few month to a year then relapsing this continued to around 2017 and i managed to break free from the addiction to right after covid i felt i was cured i had no support it was the worst thing i could possibly do and i relapesed many times after until i came on here and started taking recovery seriously what i have learnt each addict is different their addicts on their first attempt gambling realise their a problem then their people who will spend their whole lives and never realise its gambling what causing it some know it an addiction but continue on has they are addicted to the pleasure off it and like the atmosphere i realised from my own past experience i wasent serious enough in my recovery on my defence i wasent aware their was other option of support like gamcare offers i believe i actually wanted to quit this time arround is what made the big difference and also realising no gambling i can do alot of other stuff and i will be financially mentally better off without gambling in the long run i never looked at from this perspective
Leave. It gets worse. I am 8 years deep and 2 kids on and I have never been as stressed in my entire 35 years on this earth. Don’t believe his lies & promises he will always have this with him and hanging over you both. Life with an addict is stagnant whether they are active or in recovery. I pray you protect yourself and your baby and get away from this terrible situation. You dont deserve the first years of motherhood to be tainted by a man who cant control his impulses. I wish you the best of luck. I left, you can too. Just dont leave it eight years like I did because in my experience it doesnt get better it gets worse.
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