Part 1:
I feel like I'm an outsider to my own life. That I've been looking in on something that ive not been allowed to be part of... Here's my story. So my boyfriend is always skint, counting down days till payday, we don't go on dates, unless I pay... Ive bailed him out he has the worst luck ('scuse the pun) every month something goes wrong- tyres on car, toothache, his daughter needs a new phone..he gets paid incorrectly, or he's emergency taxed. The list is endless. So ive gotten used to bailing him out and keeping the extent of my lending a secret to my family and my friends...
This month he owed me a grand total of £790 ... Which he promised would be in on his pay day.
I am am a supply teacher and i work for an agency which means in the school holidays I am classes as unemployed. No income. So for the last six months ive been putting a little away each week in order to cover the cost of outgoings for the two months that I will have little or no work.
The day before payday he had a dentist appointment so I have him my card (we didn't know how much it was going to cost). He took my debit card and by now he knows the pin off by heart. I spent the evening with my friend and because he'd been so moody and irritable this week and I was sure he was going to break up with me or confess that he's been having an affair so I did not contact him for over 24 hours.
24 hours later and he calls me and says he's done something really really bad- he's gambled all his wages away and all of my savings. I had no idea. I was in shock. I still am
Hi, GemLou,
Sorry to hear that this is happening but this forum and GamCare are a good choice to get help. And that's your priority, to get the help and support that you need. On this forum, we've been there.
You can't save him from himself, but you can save you. Start with the obvious - contact your bank, report your card as lost and get a new PIN which do not share with anyone, least of all him. Change all passwords that relate to anything financial.
Gambling is a horrible addiction, it's as bad as your boyfriend being addicted to alcohol or drugs. Addicts lie and steal to fund their addiction, with their nearest and dearest first in line. And with gambling, they never win because they can't stop. The mood swings, irrational anger, toddler tantrums, all are part of the behaviour to expect.
Once addicted, there are only two possibilities, either he's active, in which case expect more of the same and much worse, or he does everything it takes to go into recovery, in which case you might be able to cope with him, if you want to.
But the only person who chooses whether he's active or in recovery is him. That's one of the key things to know, he's not gambling because of anything that you say or do or don't say or don't do. And he won't stop because of anything you do or don't say or do. He can choose recovery but you can't choose it for him. No one can.
Your decisions are about what you do. If you give him money or pay for everything so that he has money, he will gamble it. And he may not have told you the full story, the spectre in this situation is loans and credit that you don't know about. I recommend that you get credit reports on him and on you, which should show up all loans and applications. You need to know what you're dealing with.
After that, some hard decisions for you. You can't make him stop but you don't have to give him money and you don't have to stay in the relationship whilst he gambles. And if he does stop, then for you to decide if long term you want to stay with a gambler.
It's a lot to take in but keep posting.
Take care,
CW
Hi Gem
I am a recovering CG.
Both CW and HL have posted words of wisdom.
Your boyfriend is a user. He will continue to manipulate whilst ever he is gambling. While you continue to bail him out whenever he has a financial shortfall (undoubtably due to his gambling), he will continue to gamble. You are actually enabling him to gamble. Secrecy is also another enabler. I wonder how many friends of his, or yours, that he has borrowed from? You don't know, and neither will they because it's a secret. I have heard of a CG borrowing from his mum...then his sister, then his brother, all the while telling them not to tell anybody because he is just going thru a rough patch.
It is definately time for you to take care of number one. You! Follow the advice given by CW and HL.
Take Care
How you getting on Gem? The shock lasts a while, keep talking
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