Tempted to just walk away from him

Hi there, first time on here and I totally understand how you feel here. My partner is a problem gambler and has had 7 sessions with a counsellor however this doesn't seem to be working as the past 2 months we've had to take out loans to pay for rent. We have made no payments on this year's council tax and have had attachment of earnings sent to our workplaces for last year's council tax. When we entered the relationship 5 years ago I had £3000 saved for college and university and that's gone because I've had to pay rent or council tax before due to him gambling his entire monthly wage away. I constantly feel like just walking out but I don't have the strength to do it having a 3 year old involved. It's difficult but I've been in this vicious circle for a year and a half now and I can't see it getting better unless he agrees to rehab at his next meeting on Tuesday. Do what you think a right for you and your children. If you leaving him is what will push him to get better it needs to be done. There is only so much us partners can do. They have to do it for themselves and there's nothing we can do about it. Best of luck x

I feel like I want to get out before it gets worse like other stories I've seen in here, but I can't just give up in him because of our son and bump. I don't trust him, I don't think he trusts himself. I hate him for spending all our money when we struggle as it is. Gah. I'm just so angry and sad.

Hi, Rainyday,

If he carries on gambling, then things will keep getting worse for you. Don't make idle threats but you should put yourself and the children first. It's no good trying to save him from himself, you can't.

If he's serious about recovery, then he should be willing to hand over full financial control to you, to self exclude from bookies, casinos and websites, to put blockers on his devices etc. If you're not seeing any of these, then you are dealing with an active CG.

If you pay for everything, even essentials, then you free up his money or loans for gambling.

I'm not sure how emotionally supportive an active CG is. My husband was active for years and after it came to light, I realised that our communication was lousy and he was no help or emotional support to me at all. In times of crisis, I had to sort myself out, I didn't feel that I could rely on him and I had to make most of the decisions because he was too busy gambling to be interested in anything else. Now that he's trying to stay in recovery, we're trying to make more effort to communicate and I can see a difference. If your husband refuses to go into recovery, you may find that it's easier, not harder, to go it alone.

Put yourself first. Like the oxygen masks on the plane.

CW

How long should I give him to stop? How many chances? What if I don't want to be responsible for keeping him away from all money? What if I don't want to try? Just feeling helpless and tired and pregnant.

Hi rainyday,

hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. I think you need to give yourself time to consider your next move. I have split from my husband due to his lack of commitment to recover. I gave him 8 months and tried everything I could but as everyone says unless they want it, it's futile. Now he has left, my life is much calmer, I hated my weekends and my feeling of frustration has eased a little. I still worry about money constantly and I have a divorce to live through but at least I am finally in control. Either choice is difficult and it took me a long while to let go. I expect a lot will depend on if he is willing to take the necessary steps towards recovery. Remember you, your little boy and bump must be your prioty.

Hello, Rainyday, how are you?

It's a few years since I was last pregnant but small children and bumps do take up huge amounts of time and energy. And of course you want someone to rely on, someone to look out for you, to share it. But as a CG, is he doing any of this? Isn't there a friend or close family member to help you? It's better to tell people close to you what's going on, you need the support and they must already know something's wrong. Gambling thrives on secrecy.

Can't advise how long you should wait. My experience was that I got lip service three years ago and the gambling continued behind my back, despite his promises to the contrary. This time round, my son came of age, he was able to access his savings account and to obtain bank statements that proved that my husband had long since cleared out that account to fund his gambling. From there, it was a straightforward ultimatum, get help or get out. It's still v fragile, he goes to GA, I took on the finances, as far as I know the barriers are up and he has stopped. But there's no trust, I'm still v angry, my son is more damaged than my husband realises, my husband is not the man I married and I didn't sign up for this. No easy answers.

Get help for you, tell the midwives or the GP, phone the GamCare helpline, whatever.

Take care,

CW

the fear of having to run all the finances is far worse than the reality. it is actually now a comfort to me that its all mine to deal with rather than a responsibility. As Mr P has recovered, he has taken mroe responsibilities in other areas, so i dont feel like the weight of the world is all on my shoulders anymore.

Fear of the future in general almost always worse than the reality, thats across the board, all you can do is prepare yourself as best you can for what may come. Which means looking after yourself, prioritising what you need so you can be the best of mums, you may or may not have time for a gambler too and working round him, but when the fear goes, you will know.

keep talking

Thanks so much for your comments. I am so glad I found this site. He is a great dad apart from when he drinks and gambles! We are trying controlling the money and him stopping drinking completely, that's the only time he gambles (he says). Just hope it works out. He's not got many more chances.