Hi, haven't posted for a while, just silently lurking. Still feel I have things to learn even if I have nothing helpful to add. So my husband has left the family home, I still attempt to control his finances. He lied to me again, promised me again, I released some of his money and yes you know the rest. I'm left feeling hurt and so stupid all over again. Left to pick up the pieces. Even though he's gone the feelings remain. I was getting somewhere slowly but I'm right back again.
Don't feel stupid, it's not your fault . Sometimed we can't put things right no matter how hard we try because the ability to do so isn't within our control . Don't be hard on yourself , none of this is your doing xx
THi Katie, I'm a CG in recovery 52 days. When I was active I would lie to my partner, cheat, manipulate and do anything to gamble. I wasn't ready to stop even though she found out two years ago. I simply made empty promises and carried on gambling. About two months ago I knew I was ready and committed fully. I want to recover more than anything in the world. I have handed over complete control of my finances and get small amounts of money for what I need eg lunch etc. My partner has complete access to my online accounts and credit reports. I am undergoing counselling via gamcare and it has helped me understand the route causes of my gambling. The bottom line is a Cg will not stop until they're ready to commit 100% and an active CG will destroy everything. Without sounding harsh there is a danger that tolerating the behavior on an ongoing basis can facilitate
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Đ²Đ‚â€¹the gambling to continue. You really must take whatever steps you need to protect yourself and the children. Take care.
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Hi, Katie
I'm sorry to hear that he has manipulated you again.
On two occasions since recovery, my husband needed to buy bigger ticket items, generally, he avoids it. He doesn't want to be embarrassed in the store by a declined card, so he wanted a reserve in the joint account. Sounds ominous but both occasions passed without incident, he bought what he was supposed to buy and with one item, they only took a deposit first time. He reported in, I promptly removed the excess from the joint account and all was well.
My point is that it's quite normal for this situation to arise. It's fair enough for you to release the money once, especially since you know that he has taken some steps towards stopping the gambling. He is at fault for abusing the money. Possibly for him it's a relapse that he regrets?
Having been caught out once, don't repeat it. Don't give him any more money for whatever it was that he told you that needed, you have funded it, it's gone and he has to deal with the consequences. For goodness sake, don't pick up the pieces, not in cash terms. And since he has demonstrated that he still can't be trusted, any future money that you release should go straight to the person it was intended for ie the creditor if it's a debt, the garage if his car was repaired or the landlord if it's his rent. Otherwise he can only have his allowance.
As to the emotional fallout, remember that he is responsible for what he does, you are responsible for what you do. Easier said than done but don't drive yourself mad over what he does, no good will come of it. And perhaps go to another GamAnon meeting?
As ever, look after you.
CW
My husband told me that he would probably always need my help with cnrolling the finances and putting controls in place. I have to say this sounded and feels like a life sentence and not one I'm sure I want to take on. I was eager and willing the first few times but now, finding myself in the same situation yet again, I cant muster up the willngness to take this on.
Dessieboy, thanks for your honesty in your post. Its good to have a perspective from "The other side".
Katie, I hope you feel reassured that we all feel exactly as you do, even though it's the worst feeling in the world. Lots of love xx
Thank you for all the replies. I am painfully aware that I'm still enabling him - that's what gets to me so much. But I hope I have learnt my lesson. Just hurts that I questioned him about it and he promised me. Perhaps I'm not the best person to control his money, I'm too emotionally involved and of course he pulled the wool over my eyes for 10 years so knows I'm easy to fool. Thing is he doesn't really have any one else to take it on. I'm struggling to know if this was a blip or a sign that he isn't really in recovery at all. Should it even be my concern as we are getting divorced? I can't let go, I guess. I'm so grateful for the support on here, thank you. I hate being lied to again.
Hi Katiecola. I know what you mean. I too am struggling to let go. Despite being separated for more than two years and starting divorce procedures, I am still emotionally involved with my 'OH'. He is my best friend, we hang out together every weekend but, at the same time, I know that I can't cope with being married to a CG. And, like you, I am also the only person that he has.
I recently went to see a counsellor at the national gambling clinic and she explained the difference to me between a 'lapse' and a 'relapse'. A lapse is more of a blip; a relapse is where all the behaviour that goes with being a CG is in full effect (the lying, the mood swings, constantly thinking about the next 'hit' etc). I don't know if that helps distinguish between the two for you.
Take care x
Hi Orchid,
I didnt know of the differentiation between lapse and relapse. It helps to know as much as possible. Thanks x
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