secrecy

Hi tootsie

No! When I discovered the truth about my husbands issue I told my parents and a couple of close friends in a matter of weeks. I absolutely had to for my own sanity. He wasn't happy about it but did accept that I needed the support. I couldn't have got through the hell I have without their help. I think you need to do what is best for you now. I still feel I'm living a lie to many people but those who are close to me know and they are ones who count. My husband and I have split up as a result of him not taking steps to go into recovery and again I couldn't have taken that step without help from those closest to me. Do what is right for you now.

Hi Katiecola

Thanks for the advice. I think we will end up splitting up too. In the past I didnt tell anyone out of loyalty to my husband and because I didt want people judging him unfairly but I think, as you said, I need to be more open with those close to me for my sanity. I hope things are going well for you xx

Hi, Tootsie,

I certainly didn't keep quiet, first time round or this time round. The aim was to tell people who needed to know, rather than merely to demean his reputation. Although my idea of who should know and his are some way apart. But I told people who I though would support me or the children, starting with the school. My son was doing his "A"-levels at a point when my husband's explanations for the children's empty bank accounts were becoming less and less convincing ("I moved the money but I'm not telling to where, stop interfering with my private finances"). My son knew full well that this could split the family. It wasn't sustainable for him to know but the other children not to know so immediately the exams were over I had to tell them all.

I immediately told my in laws, who I was v close to. My parents died before I found out and I am an only child. His parents were shocked and they don't like to talk about it or really to think about it. They want us to stay married, I suspect to avoid embarrassment and because they don't want him back! They do help me a lot in other ways, particularly with the kids, they're v generous to us so I can't complain.

And I've had similar blank reactions from other family members, they were v sympathetic when I told them but they're not in touch. Apparently they do think about me but they don't phone me!

My support comes from my friends and colleagues who know, also from this forum and GamAnon.

The other thing is that gambling thrives on secrecy so telling helps counteract that. And what if he is borrowing from the people he doesn't want you to tell?

As ever, put your needs first. Take care,

CW

Thanks everyone. Your comments endorse what I was thinking. He doesnt borrow from anyone else, thats not the issue with telling anyone. It's for support for me. It also really gets my back up that my folks think he's the bees knees and that I'm being hard on him when in reality I'm working myself ragged to make ends meet!!!! Should I be open and tell him that I want to tell them before I do or just go ahead and tell them?

Hi Tootsie

My opinion (as an ex gambler) is that you absolutely should tell people. He's got no right to demand secracy when it's having such an effect on you - it's not just his problem, it's yours too.

When I gambled (for 16 years) secracy was the absolute key for me as this way I could live in denial.

Of course it would be better if he disclosed his addiction. But by refusing to do so, he loses his ability to dictate the flow of information.

You need to look after yourself, as he isn't. That's the bottom line. However, if you need further justification - it will probably help him in the long run too.

Good luck

Louis

Hi, Tootsie,

My approach is to tell my husband afterwards, so that the fact that X now knows isn't a secret between us. However, my husband hates it. It's one of the reasons for my present difficulties with him ie that I've made a unilateral decision and acted on it first and told him afterwards, instead of duly consulting him and making a joint decision. But I know that he'd refuse regardless...his instinct is for secrecy.

Not sure this helps but the main thing is that you tell who you need to tell, you put your needs first.

Take care,

CW