Is he manipulating me or should I think v carefully about my own behaviour?

day@atime wrote:

Morning CW,seems like you have as many bases covered as possible. As to the meeting, yes it is unusual but not unheard of, but usually meetings that are shorter are due to either time constraints at the venue or because its a specific type of meeting such as newcomers. What does seem strange is their need to get it over and done with asap. The coffee break can often be when the real talking begins

I would question why the rush, we generally run over time & then people are chatting afterwards for 10/15 mins outside. That said he does seem committed to going so well done for him for that. Maybe check the Ga website for meeting times ​

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My experience of GA meetings is the same. Does his group have any open meetings coming up? More than likely it will and this would be an ideal opportunity for you to survey the situation first hand. If he says there arn't any, ask if you can ring one of his fellow group members and speak it through with them.

Hi, both,

Thanks for replying, v much appreciated.

Someone at GamAnon seemed to think that the short main meeting is preceded by a Steps meeting. According to the website, that is so. The main meeting is billed as two hours, the break is between meetings but I can see why it wouldn't go the full time. But my husband doesn't attend the Steps...I don't know for certain but I think he works then. The other group do Steps once a month. It's probably not enough.

I heard recently about the idea of a "dry drunk", borrowed from alcohol addiction. Someone who abstains but does no soul searching or self improvement, the only change is that they're not using. The anti-social addict's behaviour remains and because nothing fundamental changes, no one concerned is any happier, the abstinence brings no relief. This seems to describe our situation. Have you heard of the gambling equivalent?

I haven't got over the last blow up that prompted this thread. We're skirting round each other, not necessarily in an antagonist way but I'm not feeling at all inclined to seek closeness to him, the outburst just added to too many insults. I don't see a happy ending...the change does have to come from him taking on the program...in the way that you both do.

BW,

CW

There are plenty of dry gambling addicts! In fact that is what most are. If the overriding message on how to recover is barriers then it is little wonder people don't search any further. The thread about harm minimization made me laugh. People saying it doesn't work. Well what are barriers in essence other than harm minimization. Recovery is not found in not being able to gamble it's found in creating a person who doesn't need to.

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I'm so sorry CW... it is so hard and disappointing to watch a loved one not see that what they are doing is merely abstaining from gambling and the mind of an addict is still there:(. My son has been attending GA for 1.5 years now but I could always feel that he wasn't 100% commited to recovery. I ended up in urgent care with him last week for self harm and threats of suicide following another relapse. It breaks my heart to watch... I want to scream how do you still not get it!! Maybe I should be screaming at myself... why do I still not get that this has nothing to do with me. Will this be the "rock bottom"... I have no idea anymore.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread but meant to say ... just keep doing what you are doing and deal with the facts of the moment. You need the financial barriers for your family but in the end they really aren't going to be the deciding factor on your husbands recovery.

Take Care

Cathy

Hi, Cathy,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through the mill again with your son. Feel free to scream! It's not that it has nothing to do with you, it's that you're not responsible for what he does. If it's your rock bottom this time then so be it. Perhaps do what you can to get him the medical treatment that he needs but otherwise try not to let him manipulate you by the ultimate threat. Worry about you!

re barriers, they're there to reassure the loving family and to give the CG time to resist the urge to gamble. GA advise CGs not to test themselves, surely a total absence of barriers would go against that advice?

re harm minimisation, as an addict, he needs to abstain in order to manage his addiction. But hm is fine for me, actually I need it, otherwise I'd drive us mad worrying about relapses and slips. The sauces are not the same in this situation.

BW,

CW

Final thought: I heard about someone who has a huge amount of psych help, counselling, time on couches analysing why he gambled. But none of this stopped him, he never abstained.

At the other end, we have my dry husband, who certainly seems to be abstaining, with barriers. But who would benefit from time on a couch. Or at his GP's. Or Steps. Or something.

Presumably recovery needs both, abstinence plus soul searching. As features in the longer diaries. And in the GA program.

BW,

CW

Agreed CW! I absolutely beleive that soul searching is needed in some form. It really isn't about the money its just that for most CGs the money is the most pressing and obvious problem.To me being a long term dry gambler is like a pot simmering just under the surface... but with a little heat it's going to boil over! I get hope from seeing people on this forum and the CG's of people in my Gam Anon group finally find true recovery even after being in quasi recovery for a while. Who knows when that lightbulb moment will happen.

I find walking that fine line between helping where appropriate and minding my own business the rest of the time very tiring and stressfull. I feel I am making progress and then wham I'm sitting in emergency crying at one moment and barely able to contain my potty mouth the next.

I guess it is realizing that we will never be the same for having been a touched by this addiction. Can't say I'm always thrilled about this but there has been a lot of much needed personal growth for me that over time I think I will learn to appreciate.

I wish more than anything none of us - gamblers included- ever had to come to terms with the initials CG but alas that ship has sailed and you always show such strengh and resolve its inspiring!

Take care CW

((((()))))

Cathy

Morning Cw.

Firstly I would like to commend you for the way you are approaching your own recovery, you have taken the time to write upon many threads on both sides of the fence which I believe can offer a great deal of therapy, I hope it gifts you the same through writing.

My thoughts are do you think that you are putting more effort into recovery than your significant other? Because for me recovery is 24/7 365 days a year, it doesn't begin and end in a two hour meeting or through a session on a couch, for me those events provide opportunity to inspire and instill the desire to seek change.

From living within addiction I know that nobody but myself could bring that change, the desire to live a better life.

From experience I to have encountered a great deal of 'dry' gambler's, folk expecting the continuing day count of abstinence to bring reform and reward on it's own and for me this has an all to often devastating outcome because the addict lets themselves believe that they are only stopping to please another rather than themselves.

In fact if you read the first 18 months of my own thread I was much the same.

I understand today the commitment recovery takes, in truth more than it does to run back and hide behind addiction.

Is it worth it?

Hell yes.

Please keep doing what works for you and your recovery.

Thank you for the contribution you bring to this amazing forum.

Duncs

Thank you so much for the replies and the kind words.

Duncs, recovery is a continuous process, supported by barriers, counselling, meetings etc... but I only know this because you and the others in real recovery have shown me. If it wasn't for you all, I wouldn't have a clue what to look for. So thank you and keep flying the flag.

Cathy, I hope things will improve for you soon. If they improve for your son as well, so much the better but concentrate on you. Threats of suicide or serious deterioration keep too many of us tied in. Actually it's the one area that isn't directly addressed in the GamAnon literature that I've seen, we could do with it. Serenity and his actions don't go together but focus on your continued recovery as best you can.

Take care,

CW

Hi, Half Life, how are you getting on?

Its refreshing to see that you guys get it. Barriers are for exactly as you have all described. They are to be used to give the addict time to think a little more logically around their problem and to reduce the possibility of more damage. Then they are their to hopefully build some trust and allow our co-dependents a little peace of mind. They have however become what is being preached by most on the other side of the forum & to a certain degree in some GA rooms as the most important part of recovery. My 12 Step program mentions not once anything about barriers. The only time money is mentioned is through my financial inventory in step 4 & that is not to discover my debt, but to show me my relationship with money is as dysfunctional as most of the other relationships in my life. Yet these are by & large all that is being addressed. It is little wonder then that relapse rates are so high when addicts are being given the wrong messages. We are a confused bunch at the best of times and then we are told all you need to do is hand your money over to someone else & all will be well, of course most will latch onto that. The 1st year of my recovery was by far the easiest . It was simple. I had no option to gamble. But i still felt no different.My behaviour just found other outlets to express itself within. Just stopping gambling simply didnt cut it for me. Abstaining is enough for some but the wise founders of the 12 step program knew that for most it wouldnt be. They understood that it wasnt the drug or the behaviour that needed to be addresssed but rather the persons perception of themselves & how they fit into the environment around them. Dan x

And without warning the modem password has mysteriously reverted to default. It has previously been known to change spontaneously, but of course my antennae are twitching vigorously and my IT specialist is away at Uni, due for a flying visit next weekend.

So much for barriers. Even if there's a perfectly innocent explanation, I don't want to have to worry.

Thanks for asking, HL, I'm fine, subject to the various crises posted on this thread. Hey ho.

Take care,

CW

Hi CW, eek, that's a long time to wait...Wish I knew what it actually meant so I could grab those antennae for you & still them for the next few days but I don't even know what a modem is :-0

Thanks for bigging me up but I'm a complete amateur & like you, have learned everything I 'know' from my cyber friends!

I noticed your eek to Star earlier about kids following in their parents footsteps & just wanted to say for what it's worth that although I skipped out after Tea with my Aunty in the evenings to go play machines & then later joined her & Mum @ bingo, I have never so much as touched a cigarette because @ the time I became aware of them, I knew they were bad! I'd like to think that with you on their side they will understand the pain of gambling & never consider letting it into their lives!

Thanks for being here & looking out for us, both of you (CW & HL)! I hope you are remembering to take care of you too - ODAAT

Hi, ODAAT,

Thanks for your post, kind words are always appreciated and all reassurance is welcome. And while it's a chance to say it, I greatly admire you and your recovery and your posts all round help really help users on both sides of the fence.

Actually none of us ever saw my husband bet, we just knew that he spent hours alone at the computer. We still all have far too much computer time, even me. We do copy in part the isolation but hopefully the kids will think twice about the flashing lights of the slot machines and my eldest knows that the bookies isn't a source of income to top up his maintenance loan.

re the barriers, the modem/ wireless router was password protected, which meant, for what it was worth, that he couldn't link his tablet from work to the home network and freely go on line. His mobile is a brick. The main computer that he uses is blocked and the kids' laptops and mine are password protected but not blocked. The offending tablet isn't allowed in the house and to be fair I've never seen it inside. But I still would rather know that he couldn't set up a device without having to ask for the password.

All the best,

CW

Am having some difficulty in choosing a suitable anniversary card...