Is he manipulating me or should I think v carefully about my own behaviour?

Hello Cynical wife

Just wanted to post a long overdue big thank you for your valuable input on my thread and around the forum.

Seems to be acceptable to do that here.

Never posted in these parts before because I don't like to intrude on a thread without addressing the subject matter. Can't add much to your situation, pleased things have noticeably improved for you and your family. If you get out what you put in there's no doubt things will continue to improve for you; very impressed with your commitment and persistence which sometimes seems to come up against resistance.

Long may your excellent input and personal progress continue.

Blessings

Glint

Hey CW,

thanks for the drop by. felt like i've been a bear with a splinter stuck in my paw all day! looking forward to sleep tonight. tri x

Afternoon,

I never know which forum entry to get you on!!!!

Many thanks for popping over to my diary and your your kind words. Looking at issues from the "other side" has opened my eyes and helped in my recovery.

Best wishes

Apologies CW. Dim was a very poor choice of words. I still can't think what the correct word would be but whatever it is, no offence was meant to family and friends. I guess it's hard for me to understand why he doesn't get it. After asking him to move the money out of that account, telling him to get rid of the card, explaining how it would help...but then the money's still there and the card is hidden in his sock drawer. I go off on a tangent wondering if he's doing it on purpose. Is it a test? Or does he really think he can trust me? Our relationship and whether he enables me is something that I've been thinking about a lot recently, but it's something for my diary so I'll get some thoughts down on there sometime soon. You are right in what you say though. It's up to me to not make that first bet. It's not down to him and I fully accept that. And I know that is where he's coming from too. That he can't stop me, and that I have to stop myself.

Thanks for your input. Always appreciated. LB x

Hi CW, thanks as always for your continued support 🙂

I know the 'trust me' line means nothing & under normal circumstances I'd be delighted to be proved right but I have to keep hoping that one day it will mean something.

I'm lucky to be on 'both sides'...Whilst I don't think I will ever understand the why, I know how damaging my behaviour is as I have witnessed it 1st hand. I'd be a fool to throw away everything I've got @ home because of what I've been given here!

Don't you worry about me 🙂

My happiness doesn't depend on my mum but she's not a husband I can diviorce, she's the only parent I have so I have to have hope! Hope doesn't mean I expect anything from her! & hope has no bearing on how pi33ed off I am everytime she asks me for money.

I can't detach because of the kids but I'm willing to put up with the 'arrangement' as it is because I can't see any other solution & can't waste any more of my energy trying to figure out a different way.

The only person I can control is me - ODAAT

Of course I'm still speaking to you 🙂 I have to disagree with you though. With respect, only I know why I used the words seriously dim. It isn't "exactly what I thought of him". It was a stupid throwaway unthought through remark which seemed better than calling him an uncaring a5se which is really what I wanted to call him. It isn't what I think of him. I actually think he's a bright and intellegent man. Bright enough to realise that refusing to close the account in question ("there's direct debits that go through there") or in failling that to at least transfer the money out of the account as I'd asked him, or not shredding the card as requested (I've done that now) and then telling me (a CG) that "I don't check that account" is what? What word should I use? Naive? Trusting? Unkind? Agreed, he cannot physically stop me but surely I'm not expecting too much for him to just do the basics. What part does he have to play in this then? Is there absolutely no responsibility to be expected from him? We're told to tell our partners and seek their help and support. Put up barriers.Go to counselling. Go to GA. I' done all those things (except the GA, which he wouldn't stop me attending but doesn't think I need). But that assumes that the f&f will play their part. With the best will in the world he isn't.

I absolutely accept that it's down to me....I've said that to you and on my own diary yesterday. I'm not blaming him. It's totally my responsibility. My actions. My decisions and my poor choices. I'm not focusssing on him so that I can ignore my addiction and I'm not creating smokescreens to avoid my issues. He's a good, caring, honest man. I know he loves me and wants the best for me, but he's also not prepared to put in the effort in that's required to help me. I know if it were the other way around I'd be doing absolutely everything I could to help him. But he just doesn't, can't or won't get it. Which means I have to have even greater reserves of strenght to fight this on my own. And that's a lonely battle to be fighting. I honestly feel that I'm doing all I can to fight this right now. And I do keep on keeping on.

LB x

I agree CW that you are NOT stopping him from gambling. He chooses not to. He attends his meetings and is taking whatever steps necessary to avoid that first bet. However, I think it would be fair to say that you do have control over what he does to some extent. Maybe not overtly, but having high barriers, limited access to cash, the understanding that he has to be accountable to you for his spending and being in contol of the bank account (all instigated by you as I understand ) then it seems to me that you actually have a fair amount of control in your situation. The certain knowledge that he will lose his home and his family may also influnce his decisions to stay clean. If you hadn't taken those actions, or hadn't stuck with them, would he still be gf? Especially in the early days? Given unfettered access to cash (as I am) would he have been able to exercise such self control? Your barriers may not be watertight but ours are more akin to a sieve.

As I have said previously, I understand that this is my issue, not my husband's. He didn't cause it, he can't cure it and he can't control it. I absolutely accept that. Yet I am having difficulty understanding why it was, and still is, acceptable for barriers and control to be instigated in your relationship, but when I question the lack of it in mine I am met with the insistence from you that this is all down to me and there is no responsibility to be expected from him. Whatever you may think, I am not blaming my husband. But he does figure in this somewhere.He cannot totally be absolved from it. It absolutely is my problem, but I don't accept that it's solely mine. We're in this marriage together...in sickness and in health...and I don't believe that I gamble in isolation. If I were an alcoholic he wouldn't put a bottle of wine in the fridge. Or as a diabetic he would't bring home a box of Krispy Kremes. And if he did it would be up to me not touch them, but it would make it harder than it needs to be and it would be what? I still don't know the word to use.Naive? Trusting? Stupid? Cruel?Testing? You may not understand, but that's how it feels when the card is in the sock drawer and there's two grand in the account.

LB x

Hi CW,

Thanks for noticing i wasn't posting CW.

On a positive note, i 've attended a couple of GA meetings this week and am trying to get more involved in some recovery activities.

Please keep up the support you offer CW. You and Half Life are invaluable on here.

Tri x

Hi CW,

Hope you don't mind me posting here but wasn't sure where to reply to you and this post seems like the one the majority of people reply to you on.

Thank you for your post on my diary, it is much appreciated. I hope things are ok with you 🙂

Thanks CW, as always I appreciate your support. I could be wrong about the steps idea....maybe he's found religion!...or has genuinely been thinking back on life and decided to offer an apology. Whatever the catalyst was, it put me in a spin for a while. It also openend my eyes to the notion of forgiveness and apology. As addicts is making amends and seeking forgiveness a selfish act? A way of appeasing our guilt and making things better...it's a lot to put on the "wronged" party. It felt like he was getting more from the message than me. And I started thinking of you and HL and the other partners on here. How must that be to work through it...could I do it if I were in your shoes...is forgiveness possible? Anyway, this is becoming more than it was meant to be! Thanks again. LB x

Hi CW. I am interested and appreciative of your comments and overall perception to the subject of addiction, not only in your personal threads but obviously with your meaningful and helpful posts to others.

LifeBegins - your words about forgiveness and apology have got me thinking. Personally, my wife has stated that she could not really forgive my gambling and the destructive impact it had on herself and the rest of the family. She felt that my deceipt and secretive behaviour was on par with having an affair!

Secretivity is a personality trait. People secretly hide their feelings, thoughts, intentions and actions from other people and mold their personalities according to the experiences they have in life.

However, whether or not someone can or should forgive others for what they have done is another question. But undoubtedly, the very act of forgiveness (as in religion) will give the person who has truely forgiven, a sense of release and tranquility (forgiveness is a gift). But this forgiveness must be truely and genuinely expressed, not just for the benefit of the recipocant but also for the forgiver.

In time, hopefully my wife will forgive and understand, but perhaps only through my actions. Therefore if I were to continue gambling with a financial downfall, I would not expect any sympathy or forgiveness. But there is a fine line. Some addicts may take a while to overcome their illness and really stop their destructive behaviour, and for f&f it can be a very trying time.

Can people truely change? Can they ditch their habits? Can they recover, blossom and excell?

I believe so... But only with genuine, helpful and encouraging support.

Very proud of you CW and I hope your journey into 2017 continues. thanks for all of your support across the board. Its appreciated by this soldier. tri