Is he manipulating me or should I think v carefully about my own behaviour?

I've been there CW. Same with Christmas cards.Its tricky isn't it...I always end up going for something pretty bland

Can't blame you really everyone says the person is still there but you can't help but look at them differently can you. . I'm dreading Christmas now knowing what I know sat there with 14 family members him laughing and joking with everyone! Mmmmm

Hello CW,

Don't know where to start..I'm scared to post to you, i feel ashamed and guilty. i appreciate your support but also very strongly understand what you're going through yourself. It's not easy, ..like the road without road signs huh..never know what to expect.
I heard what you said, and i know you're right...decision is mine and i need to break few brick walls in this mind to reach the right one.
As you said i cannot keep running from myself..but i find it so so hard..because it's myself & me...& i feel i can let self destruction take place ...
I prob wouldn't b different in the relationship but that's just something i didn't truly had while dealing with this disease.

My hat off for you...i respect you & your support to both sides of the fence. You deserve peace and happiness, pls put yourself first.

Best wishes

Sandra xx

o*g CW i would of never intended to call you scary witch or something :-0. I meant im very uncomfortable on this side of the forum and the only person i truly ised to talk on here is Rachel which is not posting anymore. This is very painful diaries to read and maybe that's where guilt comes from :-/
Guilt for others having this addiction and doing all THIS to their loved ones.

Thank you for your post again. No lip service, no going round in circles - just honest straight to the point thruth! Ouch but thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am familiar with 12 steps. I attended AA before (once only 🙁 ), most of my friends on here been attending meetings and i get the picture of it.
However i completely lost connection with myself and my soul if that makes sense..hopefully i will rework it and can get bk of more deeper understanding. At least i hold onto belief i will ☺

You're doing everything you can to stay in harmony with yourself and people around you. The most amazing thing is you don't even have this addiction but you know so much more about it than most of us.

Respect dear lady and keep having your goals in sight. One day at a time, i guess that's all we can do in both sides of the fence, even if i don't agree with you guys having to do all this hard job for someone who broke your hearts. ..but that's just takes us to different chapter - soul and love chapter where forgiveness takes place...we are only humans after all 🙂

Take care

Sandra x

Like you've got the kids cooking! Nice for mum to sit back a bit (obviously your there to triage any potential disasters)

Enjoy the day and thanks for supporting both sides of the fence. Its appreciated from this soldier.

Hi CW,

Thank you soo much for your caring post, yes I am ok thanks,this sort of stuff used to make me run with open arms to gambling, not any more, I am stronger, wiser, and even more determined, because my recovery far outweighs the negative of gambling.

Hope is all well in your world and your OH is slowly but surely pushing through with the strength that abstaining and maintaining definitely gives us:))

Take care and keep looking after you.

Suzanne xxx

Hello CW,

Thank you very much for your post and i am really appreciating your thoughts.

Wondering how are you getting on?
Hope things are improving in every aspect every single day.
You are doing amazingly well in your own recovery and tbe patience and understanding you have is truly admirable!

Hope girl is doing well and hubby is walking the path alongside you (in his own recovery) and making amends in this never ending journey.

Stay safe, stay yourself and keep doing what you're doing.

You are an inspiration for us all

S x

CW, I never know where to post to you.

I just saw your post on 'feedback' and I want to say ' full respect ' .

You are such a valued member of this forum, something which you never deserved to become a member of ( no f&f should ).

I sometime see you and half - life the equivalent of Dan and Odaat. A very valuable good cop/ bad cop. And no guesses which one I have in mind for you ☺

I do follow your posts and also f&f and humbly think your OH is going to come through to be the man you married.

Similar to both sides of the fence, we both want things to happen quickly, sometimes it's not that staightforward. But whilst your OH is dealing with this life he slipped into with the help of therapy and GA. I believe that's there many good things coming your way and to your family.

A genuine strength and honor.

BW

Paul

ps.. my guise as a sleezy fox is a play on my surname and also how I see a gambling addict. A fox fits into both the urban and country side with out anyone batting an eyelid, but there sly none the less. .

Good morning CW ☺

Thank you for your kind and supportive post. One (minor) thing stood out - what's the difference between flu & man flu? I always thought man flu is kinda joke cause ohhhhh...they're never sick lol (sorry if this is not funny).
Sorry to hear they both are feeling under the weather, and hope this won't last long. Some serious cases with bugs going around and i feel for them both. Nice hot cup of tea with lemon & honey truly calms down the body, esp before sleep...my parents recipe for when i used to be poorly ☺

So good to hear the therapy is working and i truly sense the light getting bigger and brighter in your journey...keep working at it, one step at a time.

re my work. Not sure if it's the hours i truly dislike...job itself is manageable..stressful but manageable. I guess it's one of those places where communication goes on through emails and not face to face..everyone got someone to blame but not themselves and you hardly see people lifting their hands up admitting wrongdoing...vicious cycle cause place never stops and we have 4 shifts rotating 24/7.
Yesterday i took a step forward and tried to interact with ppl more. I am usually head down to business person, and maybe too much closed down. Go in, do shift, leave.
However on my appraisal i noticed a comment. " operatives comes to Sandra more and asks for help". This is still playing on my mind. I guess i can be scary in 3d world as i am on here sometimes...i want to make myself available for everyone, this is part of my job..they need to know I'm there to help at whatever cost even if i come across strict sometimes (part of my job also). Balance is hard to find...but im working at it ☺..I'm not there to only tell them what to do, I'm there to work through tasks with them...side by side
Last night i did just that. Made myself approachable if this makes sense...it's good to interact and see the trust & respect being given in return ☺

Sorry for the waffle...but the more i look into it the more i realise that job is not the issue...it is my way of dealing with situations and relationships with co workers...gave myself some food for thought here lol..

I start taking my own advice on board CW...i guess i was kinda blind to my life all this time. ..i hope i can carry on on this path of self discovery and acceptance.

Have a good day and keep making those steps forward, you're doing great in my eyes ☺

Take care and look after yourself

Sandra x

If you don't mind me answering Sandra with regards to Man Flu CW. It is a very, very serious condition only the hunter and gatherer can handle at a push. It's a sickness which I believe originates from Mars and the belief is if the fairer s*x of the human species ever catch it, it could be the end of mankind.

That is my humble opinion and I hope that clears up the matter for you Sandra.

Hi CW,

Thank you for your post on my diary ☺
You are absolutely right - riding not so good days out is a positive step forward..i do believe we come out stronger after the hurricane in our heads passes.
Yes, one great lady told me once "crying is healing" and we shouldn't run away from our emotions...that's just life and we are human beings...every tear releases tiny bit of pain and i couldn't ask for more ☺...accept it and move on!

Hope your girl is well and looking after herself. Also keeping my fingers crossed that you and your hubby finding therapy helpful and staying one the right track, looking at the same direction as united family.

Wishing you well. Have a peaceful day

S x

Morning CW, and thanks for your thoughts and advice:) I really do appreciate other folks thoughts and I do take it all on board.

OH has calmed down now, but his behaviour last weekend was nothing less than a very spoilt child, and boy did he throw his toys out of the pram lol, and this was on Mother's Day ohh lol.and all because he was getting stressed out with panting etc :)))

Regarding your thoughts about the post I wrote to another diarist, I have no illusion whatsoever that I single handed can help him, or that he thinks I can singlehanded, and that I am the only one:)) thanks for your concern, but it does help me immensely if I can show a little light to other CGs, I know with my own xperience that having outside contact, is a comforting tool for me, I have a number of phone numbers from other CGs who I know I could get in touch with if need be, and I just like to give back what I receive myself, my support is there for anyone who is genuine :))

When in the midst and grip of this addiction, we enter a very lonely horrible place, and when we want to leave that place, our world can seem even more lonely, isolated and frightening, because we have lost our way totally, I have followed this diarists difficult journey for must be well over a year now,

As I said I appreciate your thoughts, and I have no intention of not putting my own recovery first, even if it means total war with OH lol, I will never be used, conned, abused scammed in any shape or form again, and do you know what CW, this is possible now for me because of my recovery journey. and the strength that I have gained just through walking forwards on it

Hope all is well in your world,

Suzanne xxx

Hi CW

Thank you for dropping in...i did look your suggestions up...shall come back on my findings .

I am taking care of myself..are you?

S x

Just a fly by CW to say thank you for your caring support and thoughts the other day, really appreciated.

Hope all is well in your world today.

Suzanne xxx

Hi, HL,

Thanks for your comments, the support is appreciated.

Merc - if you want to post directly to me, do it on my thread, not on a third party's thread, especially one seeking initial advice. Kat's thread is for her to get advice.

For what it's worth, it's good that your gf days are mounting up but your personal comments to me have been reported as abusive.

CW