Is he manipulating me or should I think v carefully about my own behaviour?

I want to thank you for your advice and input on my diary. I truely appreciate you taking the time to help me. I undestand what you're saying about the guilt and shame. Today, when I'm back to my (more) reasonable and sane self, I totally understand it. But when I'm in the throes of it, I lose sight of that. I believe that I am bad.It feels bad. I know when I'm doing it that I shouldn't be doing it, so how can I not be bad? I also know about seperating out the behaviour from the person. It's a bit like dealing with unwanted behaviour in children. The child isn't naughty, but the behaviour (scribbling on the wall) is. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm still undecided but open to the idea of GA.I have nothing against it and can see how helpful it can be. For the time being, I want to let all my thoughts and emotions settle back down before I make any decisions, but I might go along just to see how it is so that I can make an informed decision. Never say never. I talked with my husband last night and we are going to tighten up the barriers. I'm aware that I can always find a way around them, but I understand that they buy me some thinking time. Fundamentally, I want to not want to gamble. And that takes work, courage, commitment and persistence. All traits, may I add, that you seem to have in bucket loads.

Thanks again. LB x

Good morning CW,

Gave myself some time to reflect/ get sober/ let gambling cloud lift & only now feel capable enough to chew on some cud ☺ (been teached this saying by very wise soul indeed).

Ok, as you see "stinking thinking" happens to us recovering addicts. Mainly because the brown stuff hits the fan after relapse..not only lapse in my case...continued relapse this is. I suppose it is quite easy to develop the "f**k it all" attitude if you keep letting yourself down. I for one, have those and as you know my recovery is far away from "successful"..but, still i rise ☺..& i shall take that as positive indeed.

Not gonna profess about addictions and what it does to us. You have seen plenty of examples first hand from respective mr CW. It is horrible vice to have.

I still read your posts and advice you give to others. More than often i find myself asking - "why?". Why you choose to keep the belief for us? Or you need this daily reminder of how secretive/deceitful/degrading souls can get?..or is it hope? Hope that not all is lost if human starts acting as a human in recovery...i am not saying stop all this..no..i admire you! Admire your straightforwardness and honesty. It can come as a shock for some, as punishment for others or "w*f are you thinking judgmental woman" for the rest. I say that, cause i had these thoughts before but mainly when i was in complete denial seeing my way and no other way. I failed to see the caring side you have while you kick the s***t outta me.
Yup..we're not kids no more and we are responsible for our own actions..still childish sometimes but who said this world is perfect.
I completely get your approach. I believe i would see a lot of hurt/anger/ disbelief & dissapointment in your eyes if we ever met. That's absolutely normal bearing in mind what you went through in dealing with all of this... do you deserve this? No way...you're the last person in all this who should feel like that. Being put as second or third is painful experience. Being used & abused emotionally by someone you should trust all along is hell on earth..getting the trust back is truly ongoing process..simply, how can you?
No quick fixes huh..only actions can prove if that process is indeed undergoing and if progress is taking place.

Only you can know when you feel well enough to stand tall again and let that glimpse of light back in your heart. Am not talking about getting rid off ...i suspect layers of shields you had to learn to put on to stay safe yourself, and protect your family (ie. Kids) I'm on about your honest feelings and peace coming back to your mind and soul.
You're brave lady dear CW.
Recovery requires commitment, honesty and hard work so you are enabled to see the benefits it brings...i truly hope you're getting closer to seeing all of those when you look at OH. Yes, your guard might have to stay up for a very long time if not forever, but i hope that every day you see how recovery is possible and how the person you once knew to the core is coming back to being the same & just maybe some more.

Wish you well as always.
Meetings are definitely in progress, just very busy with work/vollunteering recently...not sure if i should crawl in there lol...seriously, i think i will need to prioritise some sleep this week. But i will be back, i made a promise...

Hope your lovely kids are well and looking forward to the summer holiday and plenty of joyful activities are lined up for all of you....
..& most importantly dear CW - keep looking after YOURSELF.

S x

Hi, thanks for your comments on my threads, I guess they are support, having read a few people's observations on your comments on their threads, I guess you ruffle a few feathers here and there. I guess we need harsh truths sometimes, we do feel that we are the only victims here, when in fact we do destroy other people's dreams and goals when we are tied to them. I'm sorry you have suffered by your husband's actions, but he didn't want you to suffer, he just lost control. I guess everyone on here who is a cg, is embarassed by their actions, I am. I will stick with the absistence from now on, I am excluded everywhere, no on-line companies will have me, I want to live a normal life again and that will take a massive effort and lots of time.

Cyinical wife

Firstly i admire and respect ANY member of a family who is willing to take the time to try and understand the workings of a gamblers mind. All the feelings you have seem to mirror that of my partner. Although i get very down and upset about the way she speaks to me and treats me there is one thing i always remind myself. " it is my fault". As gamblers we are selfish. with our money with our time and with our affection. I feel that anyone who has put there loved ones through such emotional stress deserves to be treated with mistrust and a little disdain until THEY have proved otherwise. i believe that the change of behaviour and personality in my partner is the direct consequence of my gambling. Honestly i just feel glad that my partner is still here with me at least trying to make things work, and in the end if they dont its because i didnt do enough to remind her of how much she loved me before this destroyed her impression of me.

Nice post downthe...!

CW I appreciate your work. I can you see you trying your best with some....of course what you say is a barely 'tough talking' but pretty simple stuff (I hate the term common sense but...) it's just addicts, particularly those not far from a bet, are emotionally still a mess.

It's a thankless task pointing out home truths to addicts. So thanks. It's a shame that more recovering gamblers are relying on people like you and half life to bring some reality to the situation. Plus ca change!

Louis

Hey you, youre racking up a worse rep than me!! Hmmm do i offer advise or do clap my hands in applause. I agree with almost all you post. Where i would humbly suggest you reign it in, is justifying your original comments. Dont get involved, your wasting your breath & your precious time. Post what you believe, as previously said its pretty spot on generally but dont get upset that your intended audience dont like it. I have seen your knowledge of addiction grow hugely in your time on hear. You obviously put a huge amount of effort into your recovery & becoming informed about addiction. If most on here put half the effort you do into understanding this illness, that you do, this place would be a much more stable place. So what am I saying? Keep it real yes. But perhaps back off if they are not ready to listen x

Have you considered starting a diary. Taking us unthinking addicts through the recovery of a co dependent. Im sure it would open a fews eyes about how difficult recovery is from the otherside?

So & no offence intended as i think you will get the irony. You are asking people to confront things you dont wish to face yourself?

This journey we all face walking into recovery isn't an easy one. Its the same path that is forced upon families partners and friends if they are to remain in our circle. All i will say is I bow down and kiss their feet every day. CW, through posts you make on this site, i feel your an emotional and caring partner who is humbly giving us the benefit of your experience. Sometimes you may cross the line through good intentions but i have every respect for anyone who continues to walk this journey. Sometimes its hard for us all. Sometimes I want to jump off the path and stick my head in the sand again but i do have elements of choice in this addiction. I choose to try my best. Thankyou for walking this path with me. I hope, your gamcare friend, Tri

Morning CW. For what it's worth I think you'd get a lot of support on a diary. It doesn't just have to be from other f&f co-dependants, but from many of CGs too...some of us have learned valuable lessons that we could pass on 🙂

Your therapists question "why didn't I think that I deserved better?" is one that many of us on "the other side" would do well to answer. It's definitely something I've had to think about. Reading it...and your " I don't (want to) know the answer to that!"...made me wonder if at our core we're maybe not so different after all. We just took a different path in dealing with the feelings and emotions that underlie the answer to that question.

LB x

triangle wrote:

This journey we all face walking into recovery isn't an easy one. Its the same path that is forced upon families partners and friends if they are to remain in our circle. All i will say is I bow down and kiss their feet every day. CW, through posts you make on this site, i feel your an emotional and caring partner who is humbly giving us the benefit of your experience. Sometimes you may cross the line through good intentions but i have every respect for anyone who continues to walk this journey. Sometimes its hard for us all. Sometimes I want to jump off the path and stick my head in the sand again but i do have elements of choice in this addiction. I choose to try my best. Thankyou for walking this path with me. I hope, your gamcare friend, Tri

Thanks CW as ever for the support. Very much appreciated. Tri xx

Thanks again CW, you really are a diamond in the rough. 🙂 Please don't stop caring. I'd say the same about HL too but I can't find a diary post for her so if you are reading this HL, big hugs to you too. Tri

Thanks CW, i know not all agree with some of your comments but all credit to you, you dont need to be here but continue to post, personally i think the friends and family offer a different talk on things that sound aleays be considered.

KTF

Hello CW,

Firstly, please never apologise about sounding harsh. I for one truly don't expect you turning up with box of chocolates & balloons. You say how it is and it has to be said so just thank you for your honesty.
No matter what changes i make and how i try to fill my time up with socialising (vollunteering), family, work....i am just glossing over my true emotional state. Work has to start with me and not things surrounding me. Thats never gonna work cause deep down i am still me, fighting my demons and leaving the wound open so i can scratch it again.
I know i was happier during my sobriety. I know i got a lot of knowledge out of the rooms and "magic" it has offered. I am still not accepting myself as truly damaged goods and that doesn't help me for sure.
I just keep filling my rucksack with more stones on a way forward. Acceptance is truly work in progress. I fall and maybe it's not the end of my rocky road, but please know, i am not giving up. I refuse to be defeated with my own hand. I know i can do better than that and i shall strive forward no matter what!

Thank you for your post. Am wondering how are you getting on? Are you ready for the summer holidays? Hope all is well with a family and you're all well and truly staying within a "circle of trust"..ohh... i like this saying ☺..

Keep safe and sound.
One day at a time, things will only get better ☺

S x

Hi CW, thanks for the cheer 🙂

Thankfully never going to get to return the favour but you're never far from my thoughts & I hope life is much calmer in your household these days & the kids are doing well 🙂