I found out in Feb that HMRC had initiated putting my husband's company into liquidation due to an unpaid directors loan. The company address was elsewhere so I wasn't aware of any letters that would've been sent prior. My husband claimed he was unsure how it happened or how much it was and that it would be from him thinking he had taken out dividends but it had been put through incorrectly.
Today a letter came which looked important so I opened it. It was from the liquidator stating the directors loan is £320,000 and included a statement of transactions which were predominantly £100 - £500 payments going to my husbands personal account. Up to 23 transactions per day. My immediate thought was gambling and he admitted as much when he came home. I asked him to log into his personal bank account and let me look through it. I could only see transactions from Nov 23 - today and he has spent £270,000 on betting sites, including £700 just yesterday. He has £2.60 left in his bank account, a credit card I was unaware of - the payments to that are arount £600 a month so I'm not sure what the balance is. There is also a monthly payment of £700 going to a loan company.
We have a 3 year old I'm trying not to get upset in front of so I asked my husband to go to his mums house. Asset wise I'm safe as the house is in my name so I know they won't seize that.
I'm 21 weeks pregnant and it's classed as a high risk pregnancy so I'm trying not to get stressed but I feel blindsided and terrified of the future. When I had my toddler, I couldn't go back to my job due to child care so I've been on my husbands books as an employee. Since we found out the company was being closed, I opened one which I'm now director of and have access to the business bank account and do the bookkeeping so I see every transaction now.
I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't tell friends or family as they'd tell me to leave him.
After going through his bank statements and he was crying and apologising, I asked him how much he thinks he has gambled since Nov 23 and he said around 60k and had no idea it was as much as £270k which is terrifying to me. I've no idea what will happen with the liquidation process. I'm obviously assuming he will be made bankrupt. I've no idea if it could also lead to criminal charges from taking the money out the business as a directors loan. I've tried to look online but other cases I've found, the amount was much lower. He was the sole owner and shareholder.
I've no idea what to do, I'm holding back tears and trying to keep my toddler entertained while feeling crushed inside.
Update is my husband is staying at his mums tonight. He has told her and his dad everything, she has messaged me to check im okay so I know this is true. He has subscribed to gamban and has said he has reached out to GA. He said he has £4k on a loan and £8k on a credit card. He's offered for me to keep his bank card too.
We were meant to be going on a city break next week for 2 nights and my dad has my son while we're away. I've cancelled the trip as the hotel was pay on arrival and I got refunds for excursions booked. I have no idea what to tell my dad as a reason we are not going. I desperately what to tell him because I feel like I need to speak to someone but my dad adores my husband and I know if he knew this, their relationship would be damaged forever. My dad is the most financially savvy person I know and is known for how well he looks after each penny so if he knew my husband had gambled £270k in less than 2.5 years, it would be inconceivable to him.
Hey gosh this sounds really difficult for you. I’m on the gambling side so I can’t offer any reflections on being on the family friends side but if it’s half as bad as it is on this side then I know how you must be feeling and I just wanted to comment so you had some thoughts. I’ll give some perspective from my side but I’m sure there’s a family friends forum post too and also I think there might even be a family friends chat as well which might be good for you
it’s good that you have been able to have an open conversation with him and it’s good that he owned up to this because honestly he could have continued lying and many of us would - but instead he was honest even if it took him a while to get there. That is 100% the first step.
The next thing to consider is that this is an addiction, an illness if you want. This is your husbands decision but ultimately it’s being driven by changes in his brain and the horrible world we live in that pushes gambling down our throat every few minutes.
If he does not seek help now then he is very very likely to gamble again. Can you encourage him to come on here every day either using the live chat, using the forum to keep his own diary, or joining the daily chat rooms with us? I can’t tell you the difference it all makes. I stopped the first time and used this support every day. After about 6 days I stopped coming on here and guess what - started gambling again.
This time round I’m using the support every single day INCLUDING the days I don’t think need it - they’re the days that catch you out.
Secondly if he is committed to stopping he needs to register with Gamstop online which will self exclude him form all online UK based gambling websites however He then needs to register with GAMBAN. This will block all your devices from any gambling site because when people self exclude from uk ones they tend to move to offshore ones which are dodgy but in the desperation to gamble we do it and they get round Gamstop - if he uses an iPhone then email Gamban because they have a new version for iPhones that hasn’t fully rolled out yet but if you email them they’ll send instructions and it works for iPhone.
Find any old devices in the home, install gamban on every single one or get rid of them altogether. Change passwords on family devices so he can’t access them. I installed Gamban on my phone and laptop and then found 3 old phones under my bed and gambled on all of them before getting rid of them, so watch out for old devices
In the early days he needs to put all the blocks and preventions in place. If he goes into bookies then they’re are methods of self excluding from there too I’m not sure on that as it’s never been my thing but lots of the people on here will be able to help.
All of these things are about putting a barrier between him and gambling. Maybe you could manage his finances for him in these early days so he has no temptation.
It really helps to put these blocks in place and just give him a delay between the thought of gambling and actually gambling. The first few weeks will be the hardest as takes about 4 weeks on average for the dopamine in our brains to reset
Comin on here really helps. Writing a recovery diary every single day really helps. Anything else I can help with please let me know And sorry if this isn’t helpful! I just wanted to offer my thoughts as I could feel how hard it was for you and these are things I’ve learnt in my short journey that caught me out so if someone else can be aware of them before they happen it might help you and your husband
Hi Susan
Hopeful has given you some very good advice and my name is StuartB and I'm a compuslvie gambler.
All I would like to say is that ultimatums don't work. It would be worth you researching this mental illness for some form of understanding. My partner helped to signpost me to help but not push me. I know this will be hard to accept but you both have a road of recovery to walk. You are experiencing gambling harm to others and need to put yourself and your baby first. You can't carry him on his recovery, you can support and listen but I urge you not to carry him. You have to put yourself first on your recovery. He will either embrace his and do the work or not but that's down to him and what he wants.
This isn't about just stopping. There is no point in stopping but still wanting to gamble.
All that said, there is an amazing future and he can be the person you think he is. The addiction will always be there but it can be stopped and live a fantastic life, far better than anything experienced before in your relationship. It just takes work and nothing can be fixed today
@krljwuz9g2 Hi Susan
I am so sorry to hear all what you are going through and whilst pregnant too 😢. As Stuart said above, firstly, you need to look after YOU and your unborn baby. However, I can only imagine how hard this must be to do right now, knowing all you know about your husbands gambling.
I would encourage you to have that chat with your Dad. You may be extremely surprised in a good way of his reaction, especially towards you and he may want to offer you support, if not to your husband.
I remember years back, standing in the corner of my living room, terrified to tell my sister about my gambling. Telling myself, “she is never going to understand/believe why “money savvy” me has done this to myself and spent all my hard earned salary.! To my relief and gratitude, she listened, did not judge and immediately helped me out. She has been nothing but supportive ever since. Yes she may have been angry on occasions with me and voiced this and she had every right to be. The main thing though is that she is still my best friend and we support each other.
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I will keep you in my prayers tonight at bedtime.
Please take care of you.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
I am really sorry to hear this these are sadly the concequences of gambling addiction the financial side is all reliative the main thing is your parner needs on going support since taking my own recovery seriously i use to believe it was about the money if i had X amount i wouldnt gamble it was all a complete lie i use to tell myself look into Paul Merson story sadly with this addiction the more access u have in terms funds the more damage it does financially however with the right support and help no matter what stage u are at things can get better i have been in recovery since 2010 so i am fully aware it was possible👍
Hi I'm Jake, I'm a recovering addict so can't offer perspective from the harmed others side however I will say this I spent 20+years trying to bury pain, trauma and childhood issues, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and a Dissociative disorder, my gambling wasn't nearly to these figures but that is only because my wife caught me out 12-16months into my worst but still plunged 120k into the casino and racked up 26k debt. Upon looking at bank statements this was shocking for me I was gambling to escape emotions and feelings and dissociating while doing so, while that doesn't make it acceptable by any stretch I didn't think I was doing nearly as much damage as I was. But you have to put you and your toddler and unborn child first and support your husband should he choose his road to recovery this site changed my life along with therapy but maybe recommend him to this site and there is a chatroom every evening at 8pm where everyone speaks about their week or helps others starting their journey
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