Just found out husband is gambler

Hi All,

i wanted to chime in and say i found out my partner was gambling at the start of the year, and whilst he promised me it would stop it keeps happening.

I can see he is trying, and he will save up everything he earns and the one night he will slip and end up losing everything it’s so crushing.

Im at a loss of what to do, we have to keep stating from scratch and im so scared for our future. I need to know I will be able to have a life with him but i dont know if i can if the gambling never stops. Its such a scary feeling, he is my everything and i cant lose him.

any advice much appreciated 

Abi xx

@kx1hbera9o 

Good evening and welcome!

So many posts related to the initial thread!

You have not given too much details, you don’t have to but it always helps others on this forum to advise (even if at the end of the day the concerned person will decide what he/she wants to do).

It seems that you discovered it isn’t it (he did not tell you)? What did your partner put into place to stop? How is your own mood?

May I ask if you are sure that it is only recent? Any loans he could have asked for, people he could have borrowed from without you knowing etc…? 

Candy xxx

@lw9tnjzs3h 

thank you for your reply Candy,

yes I did find out. I knew something was up so I looked through his accounts and worked out what was up. Initially he was so defensive but we are at a place now where he admitted he has an addiction and he is seeking professional help, but with the NHS waiting lists it has been difficult. He signed up to gamstop and self excluded for five years, he also installed bet blocker on all his devices. The issue is, he is very knowledgable in computer science so he knows all the loopholes and when he has a few drinks his discipline just tends to fall apart.

from speaking with his mum it does seem this is not just a recent thing, he’s always had issues with gambling and being irresponsible with his money since being a teenager. he has a credit card which he payed off after I found all of this out, and I kept a close eye on his finances and he has been very open with me letting me look through all his transactions. It’s so frustrating because he was doing so well and completely out of debt even getting some savings, and then one day he will drink too much and just lose it all. I currently have his credit card whilst he will be paying it off again - he got access to it after they sent him a new card (which he did tell me about but I forgot to take it, so annoyed with myself). 

we’re now looking into private therapy options which he has agreed to. He has also agreed to go to local GA meeting which I think will help him. I really do think he knows he has a problem and wants to get better but this horrible illness has such a hold on him. It is so scary to think about the future in these uncertain times. I am trying to remain hopeful for us as I do love him so dearly and I want the future we have planned together.

abi x

Hi @abilovescats,

I hope you are finding the forum a useful and supportive space so far, and I'm really glad you have joined and can share your experiences.

Just to make you aware we do offer our own referrals for 1 to 1 support sessions. Our support is completely free, so do encourage your partner to get in touch with us on the helpline anytime if he would like to explore this option.

We also support those affected, so can offer yourself 1 to 1 support as well - so please get in touch with us too if this interests you. 

We're open 24/7, and can be contacted on Live chat/Whatsapp on our site here, or on 0808 8020 133.

Best wishes,

Phoebe

Forum Admin

@kx1hbera9o 

Good evening,

So it seems that it is a recurrent event if I might say and which has been going on for quite a while.

Regarding the credit card he told you about, he could also have given it to you when it arrived. Actually he should have done it. On the other hand he has agreed to go to meetings: he needs to go and not delay it. If he does delay it, this means that he is not committed to stop. 

I will suggest that you tell him that your relationship will be comprised if his gambling addiction is not sorted. And do not show too much empathy. I know it can be hard but it needs to be done. 

Try to look for threads by CW (Cynical Wife), MGR (Merry go round), Lethe and Pangolin. They used to be very active in replying on this forum and what they advised on other threads was gold. 

There are also two threads which are so much worth reading (look on the first page for this thread I posted the titles and dates). 

We don’t know how long you have been together etc…but you need to consider how long you are willing to give it a go. It will be a life long commitment to look after his money and making sure there is no relapse. He should consider not drinking anymore if it is a trigger (I remember ‘my’ gambler told me that it was a huge trigger for him).

Candy xxx

@lw9tnjzs3h 

hi candy,

Regarding the credit card - he did give it to me, I left it. Misunderstanding that I can’t fault him for. He has also been in contact with gamcare directly and has referred himself for 1-1 sessions. I have told him I will leave if this happens again, I know that my heart can’t take it. I love him so much but I need a future without fear of all my money going down the drain, I must give him the chance

He has also agreed to stop drinking as he recognises this as a trigger. I’m going the 1-1 cbt can provide some more insight on this. 

I have looked through a few of these threads, and to be honest I’m not interested in advice on how to leave my partner. I need advice on how to genuinely support him. I called up the gamcare line again and decided I will spend some time looking at success stories. Would seriously recommend anyone calling gamcare up, the people I have spoken to were so fabulous and even spent some time researching some things for me he wasn’t sure on and sent me an email afterwards with some excellent insight. Such supportive and kind people, even though I am not myself a gambler.

hoping for more positivity and lightness for us all

Abi xx

@kx1hbera9o 

Good evening,

I thought of suggesting to call GamCare (I did as well at the time).

I’m not sure I understood about the credit card in the first post but I now do.

Just to clarify, in one of the threads three women stayed with their husband.  This is why I recommended it as these posts are a mix of partners questioning themselves, dealing with their partner’s addiction… They also talked about where is the addiction (or any addiction) from, dysfunction, trauma etc…Both threads were helpful I thought whatever the decision some of them took.

It also enables to know what happens when partners are supporting their second half (for the ones who stayed) because if we stay we also need to be ready to deal with it and know what to expect on a long term.

All the best and good luck Abi.

Candy xxx